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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone just done with life at middle age

255 replies

HadEnoughNow1 · 23/12/2022 12:51

Anyone else feel in their forties feel they’ve just had enough of life? I feel it’s all such an effort for such a mediocre life. Constant drudgery and daily grind for the occasional joy such as holidays. If I was told tomorrow I only have 6 months to live I think I’d feel relieved.

OP posts:
BuHao · 23/12/2022 13:42

No, absolutely not!

I’ve built a very fun life for myself, in a party city abroad. I have a very fulfilling sex life, and a cleaner. I love going out dancing and travelling.

Best of all, my children will both soon be at university, so I’ll have even more freedom.

I’m sorry you feel this way about your life. Instead of taking medication, maybe you need to make some more fundamental changes to the way you live your life?

Notthetoothfairy · 23/12/2022 13:43

Nope, I’m 40 and the happiest I have ever been (much more money, secure job, kids growing up).

twohomesneeded · 23/12/2022 13:44

It can be a battle to stay in the positive. I've had anxiety for years, kept in check with therapy and meds. I try and do meditation to keep myself grounded from the 'what ifery' that comes with anxiety. I've had depression too where I just didn't care if I lived or died. So I get it.

When I'm in a good place I can see that I don't make time for myself, put my needs first. Yesterday a small thing occurred - DH isn't interested in Christmas so no decs up, but I like it and for the first time ever I thought I'll get some decs because I like them and that should be enough. And not feel guilty! It's sometimes the small things and I felt happier for it.

I would suggest OP you start going back to your GP and tell him how you feel and be honest. You are worth their time, you are worth investing in. Get the menopause checked out too in case that has any bearing on how you are feeling (I'm on HRT too). Once you start to feel a bit better, you can start to look at what you want to change, what you can change. Small steps can lead to sometimes enough of a change to lift that weight of 'just existing' we can all feel.

antelopevalley · 23/12/2022 13:45

My early forties were the best time of my life. My late forties and early fifties though!
Suicide rates peak at this age for both women and men. This is the age when you are most likely to be dealing with elderly parents and kids, to have a friend/s die about your age, and to have health problems yourself. I didn't have massive health problems, but issues with anaemia due to peri menopause and thyroid, the tiredness of which added to my sense of drudgery.
I know it is hard, but you need to rediscover joy in your life.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 23/12/2022 13:46

Instead of taking medication, maybe you need to make some more fundamental changes to the way you live your life?

Hmm
redboxer321 · 23/12/2022 13:51

Feel the same although I am a bit older. Wake up every morning and wish I hadn't. Just feel I don't have much to live for. I'm always somewhere between slightly or hugely tortured by events past and I can't see that ever changing. I could go travelling in a few years and sometimes I wonder if I might like to do that but the reality is I'd be just as miserable.

Octomingo · 23/12/2022 13:53

I get it. I would say I'm content, but it's tinged with the nagging feeling that this is it: it can't get better from here.

I'm getting older. Dh is quite a bit older than me, so looking at illness or death for him a lot sooner than me. I'll probably be a widow by my 60s, but will be too haggard to pull.

I'm where I want to be in work, but am dangerously expensive, so worry I will walk the walk of the middle aged educator.

My body will never be as fit as it is now and even now, in not as fast as I was. My knees hurt.

Parky04 · 23/12/2022 13:56

I have no desire to die anytime soon, but life is overrated!

Dotjones · 23/12/2022 14:01

YANBU. The unkind part of me would say you're lucky to have reached 40 before realising that life is a pointless struggle. Many of us reach that conclusion a lot younger.

wejammin · 23/12/2022 14:09

I'm 38. I would say on a day to day level I'm fairly contented, but the thought of another 40 or 50 years of life makes me feel decidedly negative.
I have 3 children, 1 is autistic and his future worries me. My parents are still in good health but I worry about how life will be when this changes. I love my DH but we rarely have fun together. We work, we pay bills, we do stuff with the kids. We both have stressful jobs.
Maybe it will feel different when the children are less demanding. I seem to spend a lot of time worrying.

Karmagoat · 23/12/2022 14:09

Yes I feel the same. 47 and for the last few years life has just become a boring endless drudge of work and constantly worrying about my teen dd (I love her with all my heart but fuck me is she hard work).
I'm probably Peri menopausal too and I have bipolar, add to that the shit show that has been the pandemic,cost of living ect ect it just all feels a bit shit don't it?
I do try to find joy in things but finding it increasingly harder.

EternalCountrygirl · 23/12/2022 14:15

I'm in my late forties now and have felt like that for a year or so. I think it's part perimenopause, part boredom and distinct lack of excitement or anything new or magical in life these days, and part that my teenage kids seem to speak so rudely and disrespectfully to me and, whilst they do still need me, they don't think they do, and parenting them is an impossible and thankless task! It can make me feel very down. However! I got myself a dog about a month ago, a 10 month old puppy who has definitely improved things. I spend time outside walking and training her and she actually wants my time and attention! Have you the opportunity to try something new? Something that suits you that's just for you?

Sunnytwobridges · 23/12/2022 14:22

jetadore · 23/12/2022 13:01

Yeh, I’ve felt like this since I was about 14 tbh.

This. I’ve felt the same way since I was about 23/24 after my first love ghosted me. I did have a few years of feeling up when I met someone that I thought would be with me forever then he cheated and that was that. I was around 40 then and have felt this way for over ten years.

1983Louise · 23/12/2022 14:59

If you think your 40s are bad wait til you get into your 50s. It's so bad I can't wait to be 60 in July lol. I would suggest having your bloods checked, I felt like this a couple of years ago and I was diagnosed with an under active thyroid. I'm now on meds and feel so much better 😊.

Iwanttoslowdown · 23/12/2022 15:09

Yes I relate to this - just feel like I’m trapped really. And this grind of never ending cycle of work and paying bills.

neverendinglauaundry · 23/12/2022 16:07

I think this is a sign you need to make major changes to your life.
What were your dreams when you were younger? Can you take some concrete steps to change things?

Rowthe · 23/12/2022 16:12

I can see where you are coming from ut not as bad as you.

At my age I feel o should be sorted for life now.

In a good paying job, life sorted and should be able to start enjoying life, holidays etc.

Instead the huge fuck up in this country,.cost of living crisis.

It seems every few days there is a new Crisis. Is the electricity gonna go off?

Nothing available on shelves, having to wait weeks for delivery of simple things. I've been waiting over 2 months for car parts.
Mortgage rates.

All the strikes.

Basic sevice being disrupted.

What should be a time to enjoy all the hard work over the last few years, f'ed up just by circumstances.

nilsmousehammer · 23/12/2022 16:18

Yes, I hear you. I think its in combo the menopause and the fact that everything seems so grim, unpleasant, uncaring and hard in the UK at the moment. And seeing so many family members struggling with kids with awful unmet needs and caring needs and no answers or help in sight.

6poundshower · 23/12/2022 16:22

Yes OP, feeling similar to you and came on to write a similar post but found yours first.

I feel I've never had a proper life. Had parents who split when I was very small and were so focused on themselves I just got dragged through 2 decades of various trauma. Escaped that but took it all with me in my head and was so alone and confused, unprepared in the world. Spent my 20s making huge mistakes, squandered what could have been so many opportunities had I been a different person. Never married. Just used and ended up on my own, completely alone looking after DC through my 30s. Barely ever doing anything for me, always doing everything on my own. Worked hard but any time I'm not working it hits me. Now I'm early 40s, and just feel sad and like there is no hope.

You go to the GP and they will give you whatever dose of something. That will numb it, repress it a little. You can go to therapy to complain about it over and over but that doesn't change the fact you're feeling this way because life is boring and hopeless. And people say try doing something new but that's hard when you have kids, can't go out much by yourself. And noone wants to make new friends.

I'm not sure what the answer is. I don't like self pity. Or drinking to take the pain away. Or eating. Xmas feels really pointless. But I have the sense lots of people are feeling this way. Maybe some are just better at distracting themselves than others.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/12/2022 16:23

I hear you completely!

Catastrophejane · 23/12/2022 16:27

OP - I feel for you. It’s completely understandable you feel this way, but please don’t give up hope.

I’m also 40’s and have moments where I wonder what the point is, but it’s not constant.

this age is really difficult - lots of my friends are struggling with big life events.

would suggest going to doctor and get a change of anti depressants. Different ones can really make a difference

Runaround50 · 23/12/2022 16:29

Yes I feel the same.
No money, hit 51, OH older, so probably will be dealing with illness : death in the next 10 years. Life feels a slog. Plus in the midst of menopause and facing some health conditions myself.

Coldfeets · 23/12/2022 16:30

🌷I think it is very good to share these feelings as life is not the complete blessing we are often lead to believe it is. But I would also along with all the good advice and thoughts here OP say that how you feel is not just about you - we are dealing with a dehumanising culture and political and social situation that in itself -in my opinion - does not value the everyday lives of ordinary people. So how you feel is not a failing on your part but an understandable reaction of a sensitive thinking person. So as well as getting help, get a bit angry at how things are and even just helping at charity thing, or making tea after a church thing or helping at a school thing where you are with people trying to make everyday life better by doing a little bit of something positive might make you feel that 10% better . And sometimes 10% is all we need to then do something else that makes us another 10% better. and little by little we move ourselves towards moments of appreciating life again. all best everyone

Oakbeam · 23/12/2022 16:31

YSBU I’m in my 60s and don’t feel remotely like this.

Oakbeam · 23/12/2022 16:32

YABU