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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Anyone just done with life at middle age

255 replies

HadEnoughNow1 · 23/12/2022 12:51

Anyone else feel in their forties feel they’ve just had enough of life? I feel it’s all such an effort for such a mediocre life. Constant drudgery and daily grind for the occasional joy such as holidays. If I was told tomorrow I only have 6 months to live I think I’d feel relieved.

OP posts:
Appalonia · 27/12/2022 11:17

Actually I've found it really comforting that other women feel similarly to me, sometimes you just need to express things and to be heard.

janneites · 27/12/2022 11:28

You are also the only poster to get their remarks on this thread removed. Mine got removed because they quoted yours.

Yes

Sorry, I was one of the people who reported her!I couldn't work out why you'd been deleted too as you'd only cut and paste quoted the deleted post. Realised it's against the guidelines to quote deleted posts, the quote part usually disappears, so fine, but probably couldn't as it was cut and pasted!

janneites · 27/12/2022 11:36

How is it 'supportive' to facilitate a 'pity party'? To encourage people to be suicidal?

I don't think it's appropriate to call it a pity party. You've already been deleted once for offensive comments and been asked to stop.
Many posters have offered suggestions and others were intending to try HRT and/or antidepressants.

Many just want to talk about feelings in this age category and have found it helpful. That is a good thing not to be alone.

janneites · 27/12/2022 11:37

Appalonia · 27/12/2022 11:17

Actually I've found it really comforting that other women feel similarly to me, sometimes you just need to express things and to be heard.

Agreed

Sowhatnextthen · 27/12/2022 11:37

Can we please take the arguments off, it was a really interesting thread and one I can relate to at having just turned 45 and feeling like there isn’t much to look forward to

Itemremovedfromthebaggingarea · 27/12/2022 12:11

I really feel like we are all a little in shock after Covid and lockdown. The rug was pulled out from under us and whilst life is difficult at certain times anyway, we’ve come through turmoil and are evaluating everything more than perhaps is usual.
Chuck in menopause, ageing etc and it’s quite a cocktail. I’ve felt like everything is hopeless and bleak from time to time lately. I’m just putting the head down, getting on with it and hoping it passes.
I have no answers but I do get what some of you are saying…

janneites · 27/12/2022 12:59

It would be nice if this stayed as a support thread. Circumnavigating this middle age, and discussing how we're getting on.

MNHQ
ImaniMumsnet · 27/12/2022 16:49

Hi everyone, we are in the process of deleting a number of threads that break our talk guidelines for being personal attacks, goading and generally not in the spirit of the site.. We would like to ask that you please post within talk guidelines or we will have to take this down.

Theskyoutsideisblue · 27/12/2022 17:24

I think it could be supportive if someone could kindly do one. Feeling as we mainly all do is not a coincidence and does not mean we need anti depressants or are suicidal. We just need to talk and find out we are not alone in feeling this way

Original poster
HadEnoughNow1 · 27/12/2022 18:40

Thank you for all your messages. It is certainly an eye opener that so many other women my age feel this way and kind of reassuring as when I thought it was just me who felt this way it made me feel like I’d made a failure of my life. I’ve had a good few days trying to be grateful for what I do have. I think perhaps we are all told as children that if we work hard and put our minds to it then we can have any life we want. Of course that isn’t true really and I think that’s perhaps why so many adults end up disappointed with life.

OP posts:
HotChoxs · 27/12/2022 19:07

It's an epidemic.
I went to get 'professional help' over this and spent about a year in it from the end of 2021.
I came to the conclusion that it's ok to feel as I do about the fact the country is broken and I can't always make good decisions in a broken system. Once I opened up to people I found that a lot felt the same about it and most of the crap that was happening to me was due to things outside my control.

I'm not going to put up with others implying it's an individual problem regardless of consequences.

I'm fine with my anger and disgust at people gaslighting and minimising the situation we're all facing and I hope people start making their voices heard.

CranberryPecan · 27/12/2022 19:26

I'm 49 next year and agree. Not that I want to be dead, but I definitely don't feel like there is a lot to look forward to until I retire (c.20 years away - it's a long time!).

I hate my job and seem to have lost a lost of va-va-voom in general in the last few years (perhaps due to lockdown apathy and perhaps hormonal as well as stresses at home). DP who is a big older earns the main income, is massively overworked, stressed and really miserable in his job (and often grumpy at home) but it pays fairly well and the pension is good so financially he can't easily make a big life change.

In any case, we're stuck here in our current location working to pay the gas bill and support the kids at uni - and once we're free of them, we are likely to have significant care responsibilities for four aging parents either looming or upon us.

It's all pretty depressing. I feel like we might get five years free of responsibility to live the live we actually want, before we have to start making sensible decisions for our own old age - and the likelihood is we'll be needed for childcare at that time of life anyway.

popularinthe80s · 29/12/2022 08:38

I relate hugely to what people are saying. Yes, the idea that this is an individual problem to be exercised, medicated or therapized away is gaslighting - we're not broken; we're waking up to the reality of life behind all the platitudes of 'work hard and be kind and everything will work out'.

Oblomov22 · 29/12/2022 10:38

MNHQ please don't delete thread. That's overzealous and unnecessary. It's a good thread, an interesting discussion. Please deal with the few rule breakers separately and don't punish us all, unfairly.

emptythelitterbox · 29/12/2022 10:48

Yes, just turned 60 and had some periods of deep darkness.

peri-menopause and menopause was hell.

What type of work do you do?

RosamondVincy · 29/12/2022 12:13

I've name changed from previous posts. I suggested the support thread, but wouldn't feel qualified to start and guide one. This thread might now do in the meantime until full?

I definitely recognise, for me, it's connected to peri menopause, ageing, health, and stresses and pressures of external factors. DC almost grown up and lots of change on the horizon.

Klippetyklip · 29/12/2022 12:25

I’m late 50’s and feel the same. I had an early menopause and still take hrt so I can’t say that is the cause. I think it’s a combination of knowing what’s around the corner with regard to an elderly parent (who clearly expects me to retire early to take care of them which is a joke) and work/money. Neither myself or DP have decent pensions and after a series of redundancies over the last few years and it then taking months to find work and ever decreasing wages (I’m now on minimum wage, DP in a low wage, high stress job he hates but it was all he could get) I doubt we can make it to 67 without severe financial hardship. Plus the drudgery of cleaning, cooking etc and no chance of a holiday in sight. Some days I think what’s the point.

MNHQ
CarolineMumsnet · 29/12/2022 12:28

Thanks to those sharing support and links here. We're sorry to hear what some of you are going through. When some of the subjects discussed on this thread are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. Please do take a look at our Mental Health page. Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

HamBone · 29/12/2022 13:15

think it’s a combination of knowing what’s around the corner with regard to an elderly parent (who clearly expects me to retire early to take care of them which is a joke

@Klippetyklip i can relate to this. My Dad expects me to put him first in my life, my own hopes/needs/wants are secondary to his. It’s quite amazing how selfish some elderly parents are! I’m getting through it by just carrying on and helping him as best I can and letting the torrents of abuse wash over me-I know I’m not a bad daughter who’s let him down. The one positive aspect is that we learn from this and I’ll never have the same expectations of my children!

Fuwari · 29/12/2022 13:26

In that sense I'm "lucky". Dad passed years ago (abusive alcoholic) and my mother was extremely neglectful. Leaving me at 13 with said alcoholic, abusive dad was just one example! So while I maintain LC with her, I won't be lifting a finger to help her in any way. And no partner means no in laws. So I don't/won't have any elderly relatives to care for. I see my peers doing it and it consumes their lives. So I am kind of glad I don't have to deal with it.

malificent7 · 29/12/2022 13:34

I get it op. 44...just started hrt. So sad that many women feel similar. I am not scared of death as life is too knackering. I am introverted but live in an extroverted world.

happySaturdays · 29/12/2022 16:31

Yeh I know what people mean

I work hard in demanding job and we just try and do as many hols / short breaks with friends to break it up

I think in the past (80s-2010s) people 40-50ish had retirement to look forward to and women worked 2 days and men often stopped at 50-55. Now it's all been taken away

A lot of people 30-50 had the crappy gen x latch hey kid / divorced parents childhood or millennials had the crap 'entry to work' with no jobs pose 2008 then endless crappy recessions and government taking away support then tax rises after Covid

It's like both generations now 40-50 haven't really had a 'good era' yet. Maybe it will come ? Whereas the generation above us ages 55-70 seem to have it better ( currently, could change!) and it makes us think 'what's in it for us'

Sunnytwobridges · 29/12/2022 17:18

HadEnoughNow1 · 27/12/2022 18:40

Thank you for all your messages. It is certainly an eye opener that so many other women my age feel this way and kind of reassuring as when I thought it was just me who felt this way it made me feel like I’d made a failure of my life. I’ve had a good few days trying to be grateful for what I do have. I think perhaps we are all told as children that if we work hard and put our minds to it then we can have any life we want. Of course that isn’t true really and I think that’s perhaps why so many adults end up disappointed with life.

Yes, I remember being told if I worked hard enough/put my mind to it I'd be successful. It has been very disappointing to see that no matter how hard I worked it didn't really make a difference.

malificent7 · 29/12/2022 18:18

One cannot be succesful in a society where hard work dosn't pay and benefits aren't enough to pay the rent either.

I think the agenda is to wear us into the ground so we don't have the energy to rise up like the French. In that was JRMogg and co can hoard all the cash.

Manasprey · 30/12/2022 00:36

happySaturdays · 29/12/2022 16:31

Yeh I know what people mean

I work hard in demanding job and we just try and do as many hols / short breaks with friends to break it up

I think in the past (80s-2010s) people 40-50ish had retirement to look forward to and women worked 2 days and men often stopped at 50-55. Now it's all been taken away

A lot of people 30-50 had the crappy gen x latch hey kid / divorced parents childhood or millennials had the crap 'entry to work' with no jobs pose 2008 then endless crappy recessions and government taking away support then tax rises after Covid

It's like both generations now 40-50 haven't really had a 'good era' yet. Maybe it will come ? Whereas the generation above us ages 55-70 seem to have it better ( currently, could change!) and it makes us think 'what's in it for us'

I think that's it. We've been shit on all the way.

Tuition fees and loans to pay off.
Stupidly inflated house prices.
Not great choice of jobs in my area after uni.
The childcare years.
Watching your pension age go up and up.
Thinking you were doing OK..... then all the prices went up at once.
Knowing you've still got about 25 years left until your pension, but aware that death and dementia picks off your family around that age.

None of my relatives in their 70s worked into their 60s. They didn't have fancy jobs; hadn't even stayed in school past 15, but they were able to save and retire. I'm rich, by their wages, but I spend my money on driving to work, childcare and fuelling both house and bodies.

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