Forced to invite in-laws who hate us ?!

[WorriedandScared93]

Sorry for the long post. Hand hold also needed. Really would like any thoughts on this. I don’t know if people would agree with this or not.

DP has a brother who he has not spoken to for about 3 years, nor seen. Due to a big family fall out with myself, DP, BIL and SIL- we have not spoken. We fell out due to apparently me making up a story of how SIL spoke to me rudely (very stupid and she has taken it so personally and will not allow this to drop). I told DP who bought it up with his mum (MIL) and then MIL went and confronted SIL about it. Fireworks erupted, apparently I was lying and I have twisted it. I didn’t lie- it happened but SIL I don't think could remember. I think MIL may have made it out to be worse than what it was! I apologised to her and it seemed to make things even worse?

Apparently I have not apologised ‘properly’ and organised a family meeting for myself to sit in front of basically everyone in the family and apologise for what I have said to her?

Apparently I was not forthcoming enough with my apology, I control DP and I make him miserable and I have ruined the family? They said they give our relationship a year (its now been 3 years later and 1 child!)

FIL and MIL have said they feel in the middle of this. MIL lies to try and keep everyone happy.

Very aggressive messages were sent from SIL to myself 3 years ago, pages and pages of abusive messages that resulted in threats to me. Since- we have not spoken. Her messages consisted of her children not being part of me by any means (as I am not married to DP I am basically nothing to the family), she has also stated that herself and her family are nothing to do with us and wish to be left alone, never to contact them again etc. Which of course myself and DP have respected their wishes.

Me and DP have a DS who is turning 1 in March. We are planning him a first birthday party end of March with family and close friends, nothing massive just personal. We are due to send the invites out ASAP, due to the bad post at the moment this gives people time to RSVP and plan what they are doing for then. This is the first event myself and DP have organised ourselves- hence the issue we are facing where we are not wanting to invite SIL and BIL with their kids.

MIL has been begging me and DP for weeks to send the invite to them, to basically just keep THEM happy. We haven’t spoken to them or seen them for 3 years. Although they are DP’s brother and SIL- MIL sees them as family and they should be invited. I would feel the same if perhaps such hurtful things were not said to me from SIL.

MIL has said BIL has asked about DS and that he would like to meet him. Myself and DP have not seen this at all in him, so we think this is a lie just to keep the peace and for us to send the invite. A lot of lies are being told by MIL and it is overall just very toxic.

This stems from years of abuse gaslighting and serious deep-rooted issues between DP and BIL, as well as SIL and me. It’s to a point where im dreaming about it so much and it’s making me ill. Especially postpartum, it caused some PND with me- they did not try to reach out to us when we had DS to see how we were getting on, we really thought they would have tried to build a bridge with us. They did not congratulate us on the pregnancy or birth of our first child. SIL has blocked me on all messaging services and social media and BIL is ignoring DP completely. This is stonewalling to the extreme x100.

They have ignored all olive branches we have sent out in the past such as kind messages asking for them to see our new DS and any phonecalls we have tried to call them. We have stopped trying the past 6 months I would say.

FIL apparently told MIL he has threatened that he likely wont come to the party if BIL isn't invited. Even though it is his own grandson’s birthday party. I am so sad they are putting their feelings before myself and DP’s.

Surely it is up to us who we want to come? My issue was only wanting people around DS who love him, want to know him and have made every effort to be in his life.

Do I bite the bullet and invite or do I just not invite them and really feel everyone’s wrath. but keep MYSELF sane and happy, and allow myself to enjoy the day without being miserable at my son’s party just to keep MIL and FIL happy?

To be honest I know what I would like to do- that is completely get rid of them from my life, not invite them to the party and just keep myself happy for once and move on without anymore attempts of olive branches and totally soul crushing of my self esteem.

If I fall out with inlaw’s so be it- but sadly that is the only way I would like be happy. DP feels we should invite them to keep the peace (he likes a quiet life).

Thanks to anyone who has got this far!

@Reindeersnooker good advice, particularly the last bit re trying to understand disordered people, whatever the disorder.

Over my long life I have met various nice "relatively"😁
normal people like myself, spend years bending themselves out of shape trying to understand nasty, unkind, controlling, manipulative people in their wider lives, and get NOWHERE.

My advice is always the same "STOP IT......not your job to understand, facilitate, nor fix these people. Back away........, avoid where possible and if that is difficult grey rock/medium chill them with nothing but banality"....it works.

Also NEVER be alone with someone who is nasty. Remove yourself immediately from their space so they never get a chance to upset you.

When you do these things it becomes a habit.

You attend 1 out of 3 events they will be at, you never drink alcohol, and you always have an early start that means you never stay long.

Once you are determined to be in charge, it can be done.

Unfortunately in the oP's situation with in laws like that, I wouldn't see them for dust and I would be telling my partner to not involve me in anything to do with his family's toxicity.

Life is just too short.

If the OP was my daughter I would be warning her to be very wary of such a damaged man from such a toxic background.

The parents are damage, her partner is very weak and damaged, so her child is the next generation in this damaged family.

It is hugely important she protects her child from his heritage of disfunction IMO.

Thank you very much billy again for your advice @billy1966 I've actually sent a pm to you if you don't mind.

Speaking from experience (my brother wasn't invited to our wedding and we faced the same pressure.) Explain to MIL that this is about your son, a special occasion for you and is not the time or place for family reunion. You want to enjoy this special occasion without being on edge and hope she understands that. That said, make it clear you would be more than happy for her to arrange a get together so they can meed your son and mend fences but that you feel this would be the wrong occasion

Thanks @Cherry85 we have decided to not invite them.

Whilst that decision probably won't go down very well it's already made me feel mentally better to know I've made a decision for myself for once when it comes to the toxic family

Out of my family, DH probably likes about 2 of them. The rest of them have a penchant for drama and he just can't be arsed. He does weddings and funerals and the very occasional family event outside of that if it's with the people he likes.

And you know, I'm fine with that - in fact because he doesn't give a flying fuck what they think of him, he often gives me the get out clause of blaming him if there's something I've gotten dragged into that I don't want to do. For example this year I was worried that DM would come to us (yet again!) for Christmas when really, I've a few other siblings that are overdue a turn - so DH said to me that if it comes down to it, to just say he wanted a Christmas with just us and let him be the baddie, because he couldn't give two fucks what they think of him.

So maybe it'll be empowering for both of you if you remain the baddie - provided of course you get to the place where you couldn't give a toss what they think of you.

FWIW, DS has grown up hearing the conversations about my problematic family and he's got a wise little head on his shoulders. He loves his nan, but can also see that she's sometimes hard work, and we can't pander to her all the time. He's learning through us that it's ok to step away, not get guilted into something and to not reward horrible behaviour is a pretty important life skill that some of us here are still figuring out. I still am anyway.