Forced to invite in-laws who hate us ?!

[WorriedandScared93]

Sorry for the long post. Hand hold also needed. Really would like any thoughts on this. I don’t know if people would agree with this or not.

DP has a brother who he has not spoken to for about 3 years, nor seen. Due to a big family fall out with myself, DP, BIL and SIL- we have not spoken. We fell out due to apparently me making up a story of how SIL spoke to me rudely (very stupid and she has taken it so personally and will not allow this to drop). I told DP who bought it up with his mum (MIL) and then MIL went and confronted SIL about it. Fireworks erupted, apparently I was lying and I have twisted it. I didn’t lie- it happened but SIL I don't think could remember. I think MIL may have made it out to be worse than what it was! I apologised to her and it seemed to make things even worse?

Apparently I have not apologised ‘properly’ and organised a family meeting for myself to sit in front of basically everyone in the family and apologise for what I have said to her?

Apparently I was not forthcoming enough with my apology, I control DP and I make him miserable and I have ruined the family? They said they give our relationship a year (its now been 3 years later and 1 child!)

FIL and MIL have said they feel in the middle of this. MIL lies to try and keep everyone happy.

Very aggressive messages were sent from SIL to myself 3 years ago, pages and pages of abusive messages that resulted in threats to me. Since- we have not spoken. Her messages consisted of her children not being part of me by any means (as I am not married to DP I am basically nothing to the family), she has also stated that herself and her family are nothing to do with us and wish to be left alone, never to contact them again etc. Which of course myself and DP have respected their wishes.

Me and DP have a DS who is turning 1 in March. We are planning him a first birthday party end of March with family and close friends, nothing massive just personal. We are due to send the invites out ASAP, due to the bad post at the moment this gives people time to RSVP and plan what they are doing for then. This is the first event myself and DP have organised ourselves- hence the issue we are facing where we are not wanting to invite SIL and BIL with their kids.

MIL has been begging me and DP for weeks to send the invite to them, to basically just keep THEM happy. We haven’t spoken to them or seen them for 3 years. Although they are DP’s brother and SIL- MIL sees them as family and they should be invited. I would feel the same if perhaps such hurtful things were not said to me from SIL.

MIL has said BIL has asked about DS and that he would like to meet him. Myself and DP have not seen this at all in him, so we think this is a lie just to keep the peace and for us to send the invite. A lot of lies are being told by MIL and it is overall just very toxic.

This stems from years of abuse gaslighting and serious deep-rooted issues between DP and BIL, as well as SIL and me. It’s to a point where im dreaming about it so much and it’s making me ill. Especially postpartum, it caused some PND with me- they did not try to reach out to us when we had DS to see how we were getting on, we really thought they would have tried to build a bridge with us. They did not congratulate us on the pregnancy or birth of our first child. SIL has blocked me on all messaging services and social media and BIL is ignoring DP completely. This is stonewalling to the extreme x100.

They have ignored all olive branches we have sent out in the past such as kind messages asking for them to see our new DS and any phonecalls we have tried to call them. We have stopped trying the past 6 months I would say.

FIL apparently told MIL he has threatened that he likely wont come to the party if BIL isn't invited. Even though it is his own grandson’s birthday party. I am so sad they are putting their feelings before myself and DP’s.

Surely it is up to us who we want to come? My issue was only wanting people around DS who love him, want to know him and have made every effort to be in his life.

Do I bite the bullet and invite or do I just not invite them and really feel everyone’s wrath. but keep MYSELF sane and happy, and allow myself to enjoy the day without being miserable at my son’s party just to keep MIL and FIL happy?

To be honest I know what I would like to do- that is completely get rid of them from my life, not invite them to the party and just keep myself happy for once and move on without anymore attempts of olive branches and totally soul crushing of my self esteem.

If I fall out with inlaw’s so be it- but sadly that is the only way I would like be happy. DP feels we should invite them to keep the peace (he likes a quiet life).

Thanks to anyone who has got this far!

Agree with this. Have a say out the 3 of ye and forget the party for this year

Ask Harry and Meghan what they would do? Your stories are uncannily similar 😁.

I would not invite them. Wouldn't care about whether they think that is a good reason to cut their own son out of their lives. If they do, then who needs parents like that?

It’s all been said really and some excellent advice on here as always. I feel so sorry for you that in spite of the abuse you’ve received you feel pressurised into inviting these toxic members of your husband’s family back into your lives. Do NOT do this under any circumstances. You have been more than reasonable and have been treated appallingly. If FIL doesn’t want to come then that’s his choice and you’re better off without him. Enjoy your little one’s day and think about yourselves rather than empowering these poisonous individuals. You clearly want the situation to be resolved but from what you say this is not going to happen and old wounds will just be opened again. I’m all for attempts at resolution if both sides are happy to compromise but in this case it appears that this is not possible. Time for you to move forward and not look back.

Have your PIL seen the abusive text messages? If not send them, and either way say you will not tolerate having an abusive individual near your child. The end.

No way should you invite them . This party is about your son and could ruin his party.

IF DH wants to build bridges , he should reach out to his brother and offer to meet him with or without their children to chat. This should be completely separate for you or the birthday party.

If PIL don’t like this they need not come. Hopefully they will be happy enough to hear that that an olive branch has been extended outside of the party.

No I really wouldn't potentially ruin my child's 1st birthday party. If you want to reconcile then do it away from the party.

This party sounds more trouble than it's worth - why would you bother?

You have a mil problem. She’s a shut stirrer and shouldn’t have got involved in the first instance. She’s probably enjoying the drama she’s caused. What has your ds’s birthday got to do with mil either? You invite who you want there. That slso includes telling your dp to grow some fucking balls, bloody wimp!

OP, I don't know how to say this, I am not one to say LTB but your partner's family is so completely fucked up, do you really want to live like this? Your DP is also now putting pressure on you and will put MIL, SIL, everyone and anyone, before your needs. Think about it; what do you get out of this relationship? You're trapped. You're the family scapegoat. MIL blames you, SIL blames you, BIL blames you, FIL won't come if you don't invite SIL. Your own partner is saying you have to do it or they'll be unhappy. You can't even move away from it to get away from it, because your DP cares more about being disowned, than he cares about your needs to get away from them. FFS! What do you get out of this messed up relationship? Ask yourself what do you get out of it? EVERYONE's needs in that fucked up family come before yours. Everyone else needs to be made happy.

At your expense.

And, you're not even married to him! And this is your life, trapped, unable to so much as even move away.

If I were you I'd take your son and run. Far. As far and as fast as your legs can metaphorically carry you. Your DP will NEVER put you first. EVER. You realise that, right? It's bad enough you are now tied to him with a child. No one deserves this fucked up clown car of a family and you'd be mad to marry into it now. Get on strong contraception now if you aren't already, and then make plans to leave. Personally I'd say to them inc 'D'P that "you can all go and get stuffed" and walk out the door with a suitcase. Go to your parents and stay with them. Anywhere. Just get out and go. You will never be a priority with your partner. And everyone in his fucked up family will be made happy at your expense. Who needs this? I'd rather be dead or living in a tent on the street than deal with this. Nothing is worth this. Do you and your son the best Christmas present ever and leave that shitshow in time for Christmas.

Been in a similar situation. Decided to do what was best for DH, DC and myself. Didn't invite SIL and her family due to not speaking for a few years.

MIL and FIL didn't attend. This was their choice and they have to live with it.

Don't invite someone you have no relationship with just to appease your in-laws. They need to respect your decisions, choices and boundaries.

Nah no invite for horrible people.

Your party. Your choice.

Plus why would you want the drama at such a special occasion ?

Definitely don’t invite them and don’t invite your MIL either if she carries on - they’re all toxic

I realise it’s not what you asked but you’re sending out invitations for a baby’s birthday party four months in advance?

You inadvertently upset your SIL.
So you apologised
So she blocked you and asked you not to have contact with her and her family.
Fair enough. You will continue to respect her wishes.

So now, I would cancel the party …let MIL know that it’s cancelled. If she asks why it’s cancelled say because it is ridiculous that a birthday party is causing too much family upset which is getting everybody down.
Then, just before your DS’s birthday organise a smaller, more spontaneous, more discreet get-together without any fuss or drama, just for those you really want there, so that the people you don’t want there won’t even know it’s happening or has happened.
Don't feed the drama with any more reactions OP.

They've never met your son, despite invitations...it would be batshit to invite them to a party of a child they've never even bothered to meet.

You DP needs to think about his boundaries. If you give in on this it will not suddenly make the family less demanding it will make them feel they can ask you for more.

You both have your young son to think of now and what kind of dynamic you want him to grow up within. If your in laws decide to sulk that should n't change where your boundaries are.

If I was him I would be saying to them, look we have invited them to meet our son and tried to smooth things over. They chose not to.My wife and my son will always be number one to me obviously and his birthday party will be the people he knows and love and care about him and my wife and me.

So now, I would cancel the party …let MIL know that it’s cancelled. If she asks why it’s cancelled say because it is ridiculous that a birthday party is causing too much family upset which is getting everybody down.
Then, just before your DS’s birthday organise a smaller, more spontaneous, more discreet get-together without any fuss or drama, just for those you really want there, so that the people you don’t want there won’t even know it’s happening or has happened.

I agree with this ^^ and everything @billy1966 said.

Why on earth did you apologise in the first place for something that wasn't your fault?

No you don't invite people just because your blackmailed into it

Allow FIL not to come if thsts how he wants to be maybe print out the vile messages from sil and send them to him with the invitation and tell them they need to pack it in or YOU will send it out to the wider family just so everyone knows what really happened 🤔

Don’t invite them! Your child’s first birthday party isn’t the place and if your MIL and FIL don’t come then it’s their own loss, they will probably regret that.
If it was me I’d cut them out my life for good. But if your husband doesn’t want this could you say to MIL that if BIL and SIL want to contact you before the party you would meet up with them to discuss things. They have until March to contact you, if they really wanted to meet your son they can reach out before the party.

I agree with the majority. Don’t invite them. They sound nasty.

Honestly if it were me, I wouldn’t have a big party with MIL and FIL there either. I would just invite friends and other positive people. Have MIL and FIL over for some cake cutting another day. They don’t sound nice either.

I know this is your first child and the party feels like a big deal, it really doesn’t need to be. Why have such a stressful sounding party at all?! It’s giving you literal nightmares! The baby is one, he doesn’t care. Make it lower key. You’ll enjoy it more, I promise. It’s not a wedding.

Yeah I’m inclined to agree with this.

I know I said it in my above post, but the party it sounds like you’re planning sounds way over the top and far too much drama.

Don't invite them.

Have they invited you to anything, have they reached out to you, have they sent any olive branches - no! So don't do it. You've apologised and sent the odd olive branch which has been ignored. No point flogging any dead horses

If your fil and mil won't come, then so be it. Their loss.

Stop taking about this to them. If they mention sil, simply say you don't want to discuss her and the subject is closed.

Also if you ever were to meet up again a meaningful personal event you have put effort into where there are innocent bystanders is surely the worst possible place to do it?!

Is this relationship really worth it with his family?

I would send a note with the invitation to say that you are prepared to draw a line under past unpleasantness. Say that you would love to see them at the party and for them to meet DS if they are prepared to do the same.

The ball will be in their court. (and they probably won't come). Win win.