Forced to invite in-laws who hate us ?!

[WorriedandScared93]

Sorry for the long post. Hand hold also needed. Really would like any thoughts on this. I don’t know if people would agree with this or not.

DP has a brother who he has not spoken to for about 3 years, nor seen. Due to a big family fall out with myself, DP, BIL and SIL- we have not spoken. We fell out due to apparently me making up a story of how SIL spoke to me rudely (very stupid and she has taken it so personally and will not allow this to drop). I told DP who bought it up with his mum (MIL) and then MIL went and confronted SIL about it. Fireworks erupted, apparently I was lying and I have twisted it. I didn’t lie- it happened but SIL I don't think could remember. I think MIL may have made it out to be worse than what it was! I apologised to her and it seemed to make things even worse?

Apparently I have not apologised ‘properly’ and organised a family meeting for myself to sit in front of basically everyone in the family and apologise for what I have said to her?

Apparently I was not forthcoming enough with my apology, I control DP and I make him miserable and I have ruined the family? They said they give our relationship a year (its now been 3 years later and 1 child!)

FIL and MIL have said they feel in the middle of this. MIL lies to try and keep everyone happy.

Very aggressive messages were sent from SIL to myself 3 years ago, pages and pages of abusive messages that resulted in threats to me. Since- we have not spoken. Her messages consisted of her children not being part of me by any means (as I am not married to DP I am basically nothing to the family), she has also stated that herself and her family are nothing to do with us and wish to be left alone, never to contact them again etc. Which of course myself and DP have respected their wishes.

Me and DP have a DS who is turning 1 in March. We are planning him a first birthday party end of March with family and close friends, nothing massive just personal. We are due to send the invites out ASAP, due to the bad post at the moment this gives people time to RSVP and plan what they are doing for then. This is the first event myself and DP have organised ourselves- hence the issue we are facing where we are not wanting to invite SIL and BIL with their kids.

MIL has been begging me and DP for weeks to send the invite to them, to basically just keep THEM happy. We haven’t spoken to them or seen them for 3 years. Although they are DP’s brother and SIL- MIL sees them as family and they should be invited. I would feel the same if perhaps such hurtful things were not said to me from SIL.

MIL has said BIL has asked about DS and that he would like to meet him. Myself and DP have not seen this at all in him, so we think this is a lie just to keep the peace and for us to send the invite. A lot of lies are being told by MIL and it is overall just very toxic.

This stems from years of abuse gaslighting and serious deep-rooted issues between DP and BIL, as well as SIL and me. It’s to a point where im dreaming about it so much and it’s making me ill. Especially postpartum, it caused some PND with me- they did not try to reach out to us when we had DS to see how we were getting on, we really thought they would have tried to build a bridge with us. They did not congratulate us on the pregnancy or birth of our first child. SIL has blocked me on all messaging services and social media and BIL is ignoring DP completely. This is stonewalling to the extreme x100.

They have ignored all olive branches we have sent out in the past such as kind messages asking for them to see our new DS and any phonecalls we have tried to call them. We have stopped trying the past 6 months I would say.

FIL apparently told MIL he has threatened that he likely wont come to the party if BIL isn't invited. Even though it is his own grandson’s birthday party. I am so sad they are putting their feelings before myself and DP’s.

Surely it is up to us who we want to come? My issue was only wanting people around DS who love him, want to know him and have made every effort to be in his life.

Do I bite the bullet and invite or do I just not invite them and really feel everyone’s wrath. but keep MYSELF sane and happy, and allow myself to enjoy the day without being miserable at my son’s party just to keep MIL and FIL happy?

To be honest I know what I would like to do- that is completely get rid of them from my life, not invite them to the party and just keep myself happy for once and move on without anymore attempts of olive branches and totally soul crushing of my self esteem.

If I fall out with inlaw’s so be it- but sadly that is the only way I would like be happy. DP feels we should invite them to keep the peace (he likes a quiet life).

Thanks to anyone who has got this far!

I wouldn't invite them.

I think this is really good advice if you want to consider the possibility of contact. However, I wouldn’t invite them. They either don’t want to come or they just want to cause drama.

Imagine the stress in the run up to the party and at the party. No way should SIL be invited, she sounds toxic. Don't invite them. It's up to MIL & FIL what they then do.

Just don't invite them. If your child's grandparents choose to miss out then so be it, it's their loss.

What a lot of unnecessary playground drama. And tbh OP, you have played your own part in "reporting" your SIL to your MIL in the first place! As with all these things, I would like to hear everyone else's side of the story before I come off the fence.

What I would suggest is you all meet up independently of the party. Perhaps in a neutral place? Is there another family member who could mediate? Perhaps frame it as some kind of Xmas get together or truce.

Agree beforehand that everyone will be civil, no shouting. And then let everyone have their say - "their truth" - without interruption. And then once everyone has had their say, you can then all do your mutual apologies "I'm sorry you felt like that, it wasn't my intention to offend you" etc etc or agree to disagree - whatever - and then move on in some kind of truce. In the end, this is your DP's family and it benefits everyone if you're not all at constant loggerheads or blocking each other which to me is the height of ridiculousness.

MN will encourage you to fan the flames, go NC, block everyone. I don't think that's the right approach.

Be the bigger person. Your DP will thank you and you can carry on with your lives without all this hanging round your necks. You don't have to be best friends with the SIL, you don't even have to like her but don't let the antipathy break up the family. I would say that to her as well not just you.

Your problem is that you ate making this event too big which feeds into this notion that you are excluding these relatives from some kind of important family party. If you are only asking close friends for a bit of cake and some food one afternoon you don't need to be discussing invites. I would simply ask those that need lots of notice by sending a quick text. Nearer the time tell the IL and again keep it low key.

I agree with this. Your mil as “mediator/manipulator” has made things worse in the past. I would not be rising to any suggestions from that quarter. Invite only people who you want and if they don’t want to come because someone else has not been invited, that’s their issue. Your DP needs to manage his own relationship with his brother.

I would tell your MIL that it’s between your DP and his brother to sort out but there will not be a reunion at your DC’s birthday party. If there are any bridges to mend, it will have to take place separately. Then leave it entirely to your DP and just keep repeating that if his brother wishes to get in touch, DP is available to talk.

I also agree with @billy1966.

I would also say to disengage with all of them. It’s up to DP to manage his family. Your MIL sounds dreadful, and DP needs to protect you from her manipulations. Tell him to sort it out, but be clear you won’t put up with their shit.

So your SIL was a rude twat to you, you told your husband she’d been rude to you, he told his mother, who told the SIL, who kicked off, told a load of lies, demanded you apologise to her in front of the whole family, she was a threatening abusive cunt to you, your MIL is lying to you to get you to reach out to them, and your FIL is threatening not to come if you don’t invite the pair of cunts to your son’s party?

Nah. They bring nothing to your lives except abuse and angst. I’d be tempted not to bother with any of them.

Don’t invite them

And be clear with your PIL that while you are sorry it’s distressing for them, B/SIL are too difficult to have in your life. Anytime the PILs bring it up, have a standard phrase to shut it down. It will always bother them but you just have to live with that.

Block your SIL

crack on with life

@WorriedandScared93 your DP has "FOG" fear, obligation and guilt. He needs to recognise that he has been conditioned by his upbringing and that this is not a normal or healthy relationship to have with his parents. Have a read of this website or any other on FOG.

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

As soon as you said the whole family will stonewall you if you don't invite them. They are called "flying monkeys" like the Wizard of Oz, they are also in the FOG relationship with your DP's Mother, they too do her bidding as they know how they will be treated by her if they go against her wishes. I don't know a huge amount about it but have picked up on this from the Relationships board which covers all relationships including parental ones. You might find it helpful to post on there too asking about the relationship between Dp and his Mum.

I also completely agree with everything Billy wrote. Don't back down. Have the party you want with the people you invite. If your PIL choose not to attend then that is on them, not you.

God no, don’t invite them. You’re not being nasty, it’s not normal to invite people who abuse you to intimate family occasions. If you do invite them they’ll either throw it back in your face or, worse, turn up and ruin the whole day. Do you really want to risk that? If your MIL and FIL want to try to sort this out then that’s for them to do- not you.

Remember that they asked you never to contact them again. You are respecting that.

If they wish to contact you and say they now wish to be contacted then that is an entirely different matter.

This will drive them mad and make you look virtuous 🙃

Nope, don't invite. You don't need the stress, and do you really want people that toxic around your child?! Honestly if MIL and FIL are so caught up in the drama that they want to miss time with their grandchild, that's on them, it's their choice. Threatening that is childish, selfish and a power play. If they win this they'll do it again with something else. Acting as if their grandson means so little? Then they shouldn't be in his life either. F them all

These toxic people have had a year to meet your son. Do not invite & ditch the miserable, interfering in laws.

Of course, you don't invite them! Why ruin your own day? Given they didn't even say congratulations when your child was born, they don't deserve an invitation now.

I can confirm, with the benefit of considerable hindsight, that @AgentJohnson is right. Your DP is the family people pleaser, the family assumptions are that he will have chosen a partner who is similar. They expected to ride roughshod over you in the same way. That’s not happening, so you are the evil one.

We have been very LC with DP’s parents for over 20 years. He visits his parents alone.

I stopped the cycle. My children have grown into confident adults. The fact that I have nothing to do with DP’s ghastly relatives is just a bonus.

This.

Explain that it's hard for you to get past x y and z that SIL said/did (have you kept the batshit messages for proof if needed).

If DH wants to re-establish the relationship then he should do the groundwork and he should be ensuring that all the ILs know that you are to be respected, both when you are there and when you aren't there, before there's any chance of meeting up again.

A party isn't the right place to mend fences or have family drama.

I do have to wonder why the need for such an elaborate event for a child's 1st birthday. It's 4 months away, a text to family and friends would be fine as an invite.

It sounds like you are inviting the drama deliberately, this isn't a wedding, and I think you are caught up in the drama.

I would suggest to your husband that if he wants to reconnect with his brother they do that separately, just the two of them.

Sad for the parents in this situation a massive fallout between two dils have caused a rift within the family. I do think your partly at fault here. I don't particularly like my sil, I see dbro seperately with his dc and he sees mine, she's confrontational and highly strung personality. There should have been a way for the family to still see each other without the drama between the two dils. They clearly tried to mediate but trapped between two sons. Not a nice position to be in.

The family sound as though they enjoy the drama this creates.

Do you all live locally? Would you see each other lots before this? Or is it easy to "not see" them by not attending the few times a year gatherings?

It sounds as though they have DC. Have you/DH continued to have contact with the.? Sending cards/presents on birthdays and Christmas and asking after them via MIL and FIL if necessary? If not, then I'd suggest it's hypocritical to expect them to show interest in your DC. Who they have not met and had no prior relationship to.

I agree with the pp. This doesn't need to be a big thing now. Your DC isn't 1 and the party isn't until March. You don't need to organise it and send invitations now for a children's party in 3 months. Post is not the only way to communicate invites. Let people know the date if it's important to you to have them there and they are likely to make plans. This doesn't include BIL and SIL. If they were to come, it shouldn't be the first time you have all met. Send a Christmas card and gifts for their dc. Extend (another) olive branch - season of peace and joy and all that. If they show signs of behaving maturely and putting it behind them, call them and arrange to meet up somewhere neutral, let the dc all meet. If that goes well, mention the party. If they don't, then wouldn't invite them. FIL can suit himself and come or not.

if I don't invite them I am the nasty one and will likely be stonewalled by everyone else in the family now

But if you haven't spoken to them in 3 years, presumably their children had birthday parties you weren't invited to so you're not the one setting a precedent here.

Stop engaging with MIL about this. Live your life, don't waste time on people that don't care about you.

Hmmmm what did you say about SIL to kick it all off? Seems very much like you prefer things the way they are. Massive amount of importance being out here on something that in the scheme of things is not important. Do you resent BIL bringing up that you aren’t married? Is that why you want to make the 1st birthday in to quite a big event? I’ve never received a printed invitation to a 1st birthday in my life and tbh I would find it insane if I did. There’s obviously more going on here than included in your overly complex OP but what it comes down to is that they are your partner’s family and if he wants them there you should invite them

How about you?
Does he want to keep you happy?
Its impossible to keep everyone happy so he needs to choose who is more important