Forced to invite in-laws who hate us ?!

[WorriedandScared93]

Sorry for the long post. Hand hold also needed. Really would like any thoughts on this. I don’t know if people would agree with this or not.

DP has a brother who he has not spoken to for about 3 years, nor seen. Due to a big family fall out with myself, DP, BIL and SIL- we have not spoken. We fell out due to apparently me making up a story of how SIL spoke to me rudely (very stupid and she has taken it so personally and will not allow this to drop). I told DP who bought it up with his mum (MIL) and then MIL went and confronted SIL about it. Fireworks erupted, apparently I was lying and I have twisted it. I didn’t lie- it happened but SIL I don't think could remember. I think MIL may have made it out to be worse than what it was! I apologised to her and it seemed to make things even worse?

Apparently I have not apologised ‘properly’ and organised a family meeting for myself to sit in front of basically everyone in the family and apologise for what I have said to her?

Apparently I was not forthcoming enough with my apology, I control DP and I make him miserable and I have ruined the family? They said they give our relationship a year (its now been 3 years later and 1 child!)

FIL and MIL have said they feel in the middle of this. MIL lies to try and keep everyone happy.

Very aggressive messages were sent from SIL to myself 3 years ago, pages and pages of abusive messages that resulted in threats to me. Since- we have not spoken. Her messages consisted of her children not being part of me by any means (as I am not married to DP I am basically nothing to the family), she has also stated that herself and her family are nothing to do with us and wish to be left alone, never to contact them again etc. Which of course myself and DP have respected their wishes.

Me and DP have a DS who is turning 1 in March. We are planning him a first birthday party end of March with family and close friends, nothing massive just personal. We are due to send the invites out ASAP, due to the bad post at the moment this gives people time to RSVP and plan what they are doing for then. This is the first event myself and DP have organised ourselves- hence the issue we are facing where we are not wanting to invite SIL and BIL with their kids.

MIL has been begging me and DP for weeks to send the invite to them, to basically just keep THEM happy. We haven’t spoken to them or seen them for 3 years. Although they are DP’s brother and SIL- MIL sees them as family and they should be invited. I would feel the same if perhaps such hurtful things were not said to me from SIL.

MIL has said BIL has asked about DS and that he would like to meet him. Myself and DP have not seen this at all in him, so we think this is a lie just to keep the peace and for us to send the invite. A lot of lies are being told by MIL and it is overall just very toxic.

This stems from years of abuse gaslighting and serious deep-rooted issues between DP and BIL, as well as SIL and me. It’s to a point where im dreaming about it so much and it’s making me ill. Especially postpartum, it caused some PND with me- they did not try to reach out to us when we had DS to see how we were getting on, we really thought they would have tried to build a bridge with us. They did not congratulate us on the pregnancy or birth of our first child. SIL has blocked me on all messaging services and social media and BIL is ignoring DP completely. This is stonewalling to the extreme x100.

They have ignored all olive branches we have sent out in the past such as kind messages asking for them to see our new DS and any phonecalls we have tried to call them. We have stopped trying the past 6 months I would say.

FIL apparently told MIL he has threatened that he likely wont come to the party if BIL isn't invited. Even though it is his own grandson’s birthday party. I am so sad they are putting their feelings before myself and DP’s.

Surely it is up to us who we want to come? My issue was only wanting people around DS who love him, want to know him and have made every effort to be in his life.

Do I bite the bullet and invite or do I just not invite them and really feel everyone’s wrath. but keep MYSELF sane and happy, and allow myself to enjoy the day without being miserable at my son’s party just to keep MIL and FIL happy?

To be honest I know what I would like to do- that is completely get rid of them from my life, not invite them to the party and just keep myself happy for once and move on without anymore attempts of olive branches and totally soul crushing of my self esteem.

If I fall out with inlaw’s so be it- but sadly that is the only way I would like be happy. DP feels we should invite them to keep the peace (he likes a quiet life).

Thanks to anyone who has got this far!

Your DP will get to the point where he sees you and your DC as more important than MIL, his DB etc. This could be that moment.

One day he will wonder why he would want to inflict the same issues he has with them upon you and his child?

Remember he has had his whole life shaped by this. It can take a very long time for some of us to see passed it.

This.

You have married poorly into a toxic family.

You are at the beginning of a long road and have agency as to how you want that life to be.

As @AgentJohnson has 100% accurately written, this drama is going nowhere unless you make it 100% clear to your husband that YOU are done with his family and THEIR drama.

Your marriage is unlikely to survive, and he needs to know it.

Weak people pleasers are the worst partners, because inevitably they save their people pleasing for EVERYONE except their partner.

That puts YOU in the position of having to parent your partner too.

This emascultes them and changes how you see them.

The death knell for a good marriage.

Lots of much older posters see this and their advice is framed by seeing further down the road than you.

You have power now.

Cancel the party and have another smaller one if you wish with people you like.

Put serious distance between his family and yours.

His mother being a liar means she is utterly untrustworthy.

His brother and wife will NEVER add any positivity to YOUR life.

Forget about them all completely.

Drama will follow them until you have enough and want a divorce.

Don't even think of having another child until you see how your husband behaves with this issue.

Keep your family, friends and career close, you need all 3 when you marry badly.

Apologies for the early negativity but the reality of marry poorly into a batshit family is that nice women end up bitter and full of regret because they didn't put their foot down fully at the beginning of their relationship.

You need to detach emotionally and tell him that you are DONE with his family and you WILL protect yourself from HIM and THEM if he doesn't have your back.

He needs to know that you see THEM and HIM very clearly, and you will not be dragged into any further drama, nor be dragged down by them.

Full unequivocal strength is what is required by you now.

I really wish you well.

I wouldn't invite BIL, SIL, FIL or MIL.

What a load of drama.

MIL needs to keep her fucking beak out!

If FIL & MIL are in the middle it's because they have put themselves there.

You can't please everyone & your OH needs to learn this.

Why does he want to please his rude family at your expense?

1000000% this.

Billy is wise.

Listen to what Billy says.

Think of it this way. When a child throws a strop or a tantrum, you don't reward the child by bringing them to a party or giving them attention. You redirect your attention away from the child to someone or something more interesting and worthy of your time (at that stage).
These adults are throwing an almighty tantrum asking you to 'apologise properly'. I mean who the fuck do they think they are to determine what is and isn't a 'proper' apology???? Ignore their tantrums, ignore them, divert your attention to more pressing and important things worthy of your time/attention.

Enjoy living your life without their cloud of doom hanging over you.

It was most definitely not her place to even hint at an invitation being extended to someone else. She has WAY overstepped here.

Your DH wants a quite life? What could be quieter than having these batshit crazies out of your lives and not having any influence on how you live?

No. No, and thrice no!

Just realised you aren't married and the birthday isn't until march.

This is a lot of unusual drama for a first birthday? Invitations months in advance?.

Be wary of being sucked into drama again.

A party is NOT the place to sort it out.

You don't have to do anything that you don't want to.
You have a voice, use it.

It sounds like MIL is trying to stir it up. Why isn't she this obsessed with Christmas? Why would they want to come to his party if you're blocked?

I'd say to her, I've apologised, they didn't accept it, so I'm respecting their wishes. Although if she s text you such vile stuff you're owed an apology too!

If your MIL is the real problem, and if SIL isn't as bad, and you want to keep it civil, phone SIL and say MIL wants you to come, is this want you want? You don't know what MIL is saying to her. It's best to avoid texts, and just phone, texts get misread.

It sounds like she's sent some nasty stuff, so I personally wouldn't bother. I'd show MIL the nasty texts and say this is why I'm not inviting them so sod off!!

Your MIL and FIL are batshit crazy, and they sound very much like a lesser version of my stepfather, albeit

Your DP needs to tell his parents that BIL has ignored invitations to see your child in the past so unless and until he replies there is no point inviting him. At least that should put the ball in BIL's court.

But really it sounds as if you are better off with the whole lot of them out of your lives.

Sorry, pressed send way too early by mistake there!

Your MIL and FIL are batshit crazy, and they sound very much like a lesser version of my stepfather, although the effect will eventually be similar.

Having said that, they're not actually batshit crazy, they're manipulate, coercive, controlling and self-centred individuals who believe that the world revolves around them. It doesn't. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to get away from that sphere of influence but it needs to start somewhere. Starting with refusing to invite BIL and SIL to the party would be a good start. You and your partner have absolutely nothing to gain from the invite except a load of grief. By refusing to acquiesce to their demands, you would be taking a step towards demonstrating that they're NOT the ones in control of your lives.

I would also recommend the book below, for both of you. That's the book Mrs Unicorn got me to read and started my journey off to being able to get away from the suffocating, draining and life extinguishing environment I was in, even as an adult. You may both find it useful as a starting point and access other resources afterwards.

Good luck.

Do not invite them. It will be another slap for them to give to you when they don’t come. Your MIl has stirred the pot, she has thrown granades and you have been blamed for them. Tell her to now butt out as she has caused enough trouble already. Cut these people off permanently and stop feeding the family drama that Mil has created . Good luck OP!

Your DH and his brother are the ones who should be talking at this stage, if anything is ever to be resolved. Not necessarily mentioning the party, but to find a way forward for family relationships long term. I'd suggest that your DH contact his brother to invite him to the pub or something. They are the siblings who are having to live with the result of a spat between their partners.

I have some sympathy with MIL. I'd struggle to bear it if my DDs fell out so spectacularly. It would be heartbreaking. And even more frustrating if my family had fallen apart due to an argument between their partners.

The PILs might not be handling it well, but nor are any of you. But I do think that of things are ever to be fixed, then the brothers are the only ones who can sort it. They need to talk, and you and SIL need to reflect on the fact that your actions have broken up someone else's family. Personally, however unfair it might be, in yours or SILs position, I hope I'd be able to let go of my stubbornness for the sake of the PILs and their sons.

I hope that some kind of compromise on this 'apology' can be brokered by your DH and BIL.

This

The whole situation sounds ridiculous. It's unclear to me how much of a part you'e contributed to the drama, but it sounds like at least a bit.

What's done is done though and in your shoes I would not invite them. MiL should have considered this before caused the issue in the first place. If Fil doesn't show up, ignore it.

My only additional input is that you need to start being the angry and aggrieved party to your DH. No more Mrs Doormat, get on your high horse and be offended. People pleasers need to know that they need to please you too, instead of expecting you to be the person without boundaries or feelings.

Agree with PP's not to involve MIL as an intermediary, she's twisting the messages as she passes information along and causing drama.

I would suggest don't invite BIL/SIL. Do invite PIL's but don't engage in conversation about invites other than thier own.

Also give it a rest until nearer the date as it's too soon. Could you make it more casual rather than formal written invitations and RSVP's ?

*billy19668 · Yesterday 23:46

Excellent advice.

I'd say don't invite the SiL.

Mine's Hell as well. I've had very little to do with her for 3 years, but we have a family Whats App group and at the weekend, her brother asked about the cold. I told him the back of the house is lacking cavity wall insulation, but I'm waiting for a grant to get it done.

She weighed in that, as it was built before 1920, the walls are solid and that I'm talking rubbish. I had my hand inside the bloody wall in April, when we were having building work done and the builder said, "No wonder it's cold, look at this."

She's absolute poison, lies to me and about me.

I pointed out that I'd had a grant for the last house, again, she called me an idiot. I pointed out that the surveyor had showed me the cavity, using an endoscope. I needed wall ties replacing, so had that done first. She just kept on that I'd been ripped off and had solid walls, so I just wrote "Bollocks. You have no idea what you're on about."

My wife had a go at me for being rude to her!

Tell your DP that you don't want them at an event you are hosting, even if he's hosting it with you. But that you are happy for him (and DS if he wants) to develop a relationship with SIL and her DH. Then step back.

Stick to your guns about not inviting them to events you are hosting, but leave the other stuff up to your DP. You don't have to have a relationship with these batshit grudge holders.

I don't like most of my ILs and i don't see them, i don't visit and i don't send cards or whatever. It works for me. I know they are rude about me behind my back: I don't care. Life is too short to spend time with people who are horrible to you.

For them, no matter what you do or not do, you are the nasty one anyway so just ignore and do what you please.

It is your party you invite who you want there.

Brefugee · Today 10:41

Tell your DP that you don't want them at an event you are hosting, even if he's hosting it with you. But that you are happy for him (and DS if he wants) to develop a relationship with SIL and her DH. Then step back.

I think that's very good advice.

@Lampshadered yes me and DP have not been invited to birthday parties!

I will no longer be speaking to MIL regarding this. Also I have spoken to DP and he agrees not to invite them- he wants to see if any effort is made within the next 2 months or if we could meet but neither of us are betting on this!

Not inviting them will cause a shit show but to be honest I am past it and a lot of the comments on here have MASSIVELY helped me out things into perspective! I wish I could print some of these out and shove them on my mirror I look at every day to remind me!! Thank you so much.

@SinnerBoy thank you- that's what I will suggest to him. DP is very 'us' or nothing sometimes though. He is weak at times and probably would not have a relationship with SIL and BIL without me. They are very strong characters who likely would turn his head against me which they have done before very swiftly.

@SinnerBoy they are older than us and had their kids first and are able to throw demands at everyone in the family. If MIL doesn't obey what they want they have threatened she will never see kids again.