Forced to invite in-laws who hate us ?!

[WorriedandScared93]

Sorry for the long post. Hand hold also needed. Really would like any thoughts on this. I don’t know if people would agree with this or not.

DP has a brother who he has not spoken to for about 3 years, nor seen. Due to a big family fall out with myself, DP, BIL and SIL- we have not spoken. We fell out due to apparently me making up a story of how SIL spoke to me rudely (very stupid and she has taken it so personally and will not allow this to drop). I told DP who bought it up with his mum (MIL) and then MIL went and confronted SIL about it. Fireworks erupted, apparently I was lying and I have twisted it. I didn’t lie- it happened but SIL I don't think could remember. I think MIL may have made it out to be worse than what it was! I apologised to her and it seemed to make things even worse?

Apparently I have not apologised ‘properly’ and organised a family meeting for myself to sit in front of basically everyone in the family and apologise for what I have said to her?

Apparently I was not forthcoming enough with my apology, I control DP and I make him miserable and I have ruined the family? They said they give our relationship a year (its now been 3 years later and 1 child!)

FIL and MIL have said they feel in the middle of this. MIL lies to try and keep everyone happy.

Very aggressive messages were sent from SIL to myself 3 years ago, pages and pages of abusive messages that resulted in threats to me. Since- we have not spoken. Her messages consisted of her children not being part of me by any means (as I am not married to DP I am basically nothing to the family), she has also stated that herself and her family are nothing to do with us and wish to be left alone, never to contact them again etc. Which of course myself and DP have respected their wishes.

Me and DP have a DS who is turning 1 in March. We are planning him a first birthday party end of March with family and close friends, nothing massive just personal. We are due to send the invites out ASAP, due to the bad post at the moment this gives people time to RSVP and plan what they are doing for then. This is the first event myself and DP have organised ourselves- hence the issue we are facing where we are not wanting to invite SIL and BIL with their kids.

MIL has been begging me and DP for weeks to send the invite to them, to basically just keep THEM happy. We haven’t spoken to them or seen them for 3 years. Although they are DP’s brother and SIL- MIL sees them as family and they should be invited. I would feel the same if perhaps such hurtful things were not said to me from SIL.

MIL has said BIL has asked about DS and that he would like to meet him. Myself and DP have not seen this at all in him, so we think this is a lie just to keep the peace and for us to send the invite. A lot of lies are being told by MIL and it is overall just very toxic.

This stems from years of abuse gaslighting and serious deep-rooted issues between DP and BIL, as well as SIL and me. It’s to a point where im dreaming about it so much and it’s making me ill. Especially postpartum, it caused some PND with me- they did not try to reach out to us when we had DS to see how we were getting on, we really thought they would have tried to build a bridge with us. They did not congratulate us on the pregnancy or birth of our first child. SIL has blocked me on all messaging services and social media and BIL is ignoring DP completely. This is stonewalling to the extreme x100.

They have ignored all olive branches we have sent out in the past such as kind messages asking for them to see our new DS and any phonecalls we have tried to call them. We have stopped trying the past 6 months I would say.

FIL apparently told MIL he has threatened that he likely wont come to the party if BIL isn't invited. Even though it is his own grandson’s birthday party. I am so sad they are putting their feelings before myself and DP’s.

Surely it is up to us who we want to come? My issue was only wanting people around DS who love him, want to know him and have made every effort to be in his life.

Do I bite the bullet and invite or do I just not invite them and really feel everyone’s wrath. but keep MYSELF sane and happy, and allow myself to enjoy the day without being miserable at my son’s party just to keep MIL and FIL happy?

To be honest I know what I would like to do- that is completely get rid of them from my life, not invite them to the party and just keep myself happy for once and move on without anymore attempts of olive branches and totally soul crushing of my self esteem.

If I fall out with inlaw’s so be it- but sadly that is the only way I would like be happy. DP feels we should invite them to keep the peace (he likes a quiet life).

Thanks to anyone who has got this far!

Also she threatened DP but I have no idea what she threatened him with
well she dont got nothin to use does she, all she can say is 'obey my demands or you'll never see me again', and the response would be 'bring it on ma that would improve my life no end'😃

I'd probably give the invite to MIL to post so they can't say they didn't receive it. But I would invite them, I never got to know my cousins growing up as our parents never got on and I feel I missed out on a load, especially seeing how close my partner is to his cousin's. It's always the kids that lose out when adults fall out. You don't have to like someone to be in the same room as them.

@Danielle9891 I do actually agree with you and I wanted our child to be involved with their cousins. Issue is SIL and BIL don't want their kids involved with us or our DS. It's all on their terms and if DS asks us one day why he didn't see his cousins I will explain why.

@Danielle9891 MIL will also leave the room if me and DP are there and BIL calls us and vice Versa. Although she says nice things she is showing there is still an issue in her actions

@PlanningTowns agree with that all

I’ve been through this and out the other side. In my case SIL and MIL started to oust me completely and demand a lot of access to my DS without me there, whilst stirring up real hatred about me and even ignoring me on the street!

I never thought this would happen to me! I didn’t do or say a thing. It was awful. Self esteem tumbled.

The main thing is OP, like me, one day you will wake up and NOT CARE that you are the bad guy. You will always be their fall guy. Like me, once I was tainted as such (and not married so again in their eyes, not part of their family anyway), they never let go. Like you, wanted me to sit in front of them and ask them how I offended them - like wow! Bunch of bullies.

Because the thing is, @WorriedandScared93 now they have made us the bad guys, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT WE DO. We could be Angel Gabriel and still be the bad guy. So it is completely freeing. We never have to be manipulated by them again, as there is absolutely nothing to be gained for us by it.

And another really good reason - they will put you down in front of your child, and they will manipulate the child also. My in laws did this to my DS who has special needs. Of course they are going to do this, do you think they will stop just with you? So keep them well out of it. If they behave, they can come visit you on your terms.

I didn’t do or say a thing. It was awful. Self esteem tumbled
she saw you as a soft touch who wouldnt push back.....and she couldnt help herself.
My MIL was deliberately and pointedly rude to me one xmas about 10 years back, aint seen her since, I only went to be polite now I dont have to....happy days😎

Wow thank you @Bananasinpyjamas21

@Soothsayer1 yes happy days! How did you get away with not seeing her? My DP would be bugging me. Do your kids (?) still see her?

Mil sounds like areal shit stirrer…..

Tell her to keep out of it and stop stirring

I agree with all the comments/suggestions you have already been given. If you have reached out since the birth of your child and they have not responded wanting to meet their nephew, then why on earth would they expect an invite to his birthday party?

You could try one final time to reach out to them, give your MILs history of lying to try and resolve the issue, I would include her in any communication to make it absolutely clear. You could say that what has happened in the past is in the past. You’ve apologised. You have heard that your apology was not in the manner they wanted. You now have a son and if they feel they would like to meet him/resolve the conflict then please get in touch. Give them a month or so and if no contact, move on with the invites without including them. If MIL and FIL then chose not to attend, that is their decision.

You're parents now OP. Grown ups! Time to act like it, and tell anyone who doesn't like your choices in life to jog on. Don't be bullied by your DP's family, time for them to pay for their treatment of you, and be sure that DP knows that too!

If your PILs disown you then consider it a bonus. People like that don't add anything to your life.

@MinnieGirl she constantly shit stirs to keep the peace. She also sent a card behind my back and made DP write it to DP's Nephew a couple of years back. I didn't know this but found out this went on behind my back. Apparently my name wasn't on it according to SIL but DP has said it was.

Anyone know any good books for what I'm dealing with?

This stems from years of abuse gaslighting and serious deep-rooted issues between DP and BIL
So it appears there have been problems with this family long before you came on the scene? Bil treating DP badly, Mil condoning it and pushing DP into putting up with it, probably FiL opting out of the drama and being absent. All his life DP being programmed to accept this treatment.

Then you come into DP's life and maybe he starts sticking up for himself a bit, doesn't tolerate his brother's behaviour or MiL interference? You then get the blame for this. Occasionally DP wavers and gives in and engages with their nonsense (e.g the nephew's card) 'proving 'to them all that you are the problem and picking on you instead of DP for a change.

DP needs help to learn how to distance himself from his family. You can support him in that (though only if he sticks at it for the long term - if he gives up and starts expecting you to play happy families with them, then he can't expect you to tolerate that). Both of you need to protect your DS from this family dynamic too. You sound motivated and willing to read and learn so that's a great start - encourage DP to do the same.

Go to the 'Stately Homes' thread in Relationships and read some stories there, especially MonkeyFrom Manchester who is 'you' in her situation but dealing with a toxic MiL rather than SiL. There is also lots of suggestions for good reading material for you both.

Unfortunately with relatives like these you don't have the opportunity to create big events without it going pear shaped and being more trouble than it's worth. The exception being if you and your partner are both happy to cut all the toxic people out completely.

The fact that you've apologised twice and it wasn't enough suggests that nothing will be enough and you're being roasted in a way that will never, ever end.

Your mil is either toxic herself (likely) or simply can't think of anything but getting her family back together again and sees you as having some power to achieve that. In reality you very likely have no such power as sil doesn't sound like someone who could ever be appeased.

You need to sit down with dp and agree a policy that will stand the test of time as life is too short for this aggro and you don't want it tainting your child's early life. Whether that is to have no high profile events like this (it already seems not worth it), to invite sil with a note saying you're happy to move on and look forward to seeing them if they're happy to do the same, cut the whole family out, tell mil firmly you'll be having nothing more to do with sil and ride out all the merry hell that still ensue - you've got to choose a position together and then let this go.

The comment about dp having his head easily turned is the one I find most concerning. No wonder they think he is being controlled- he has probably been controlled all his life. But it makes him unable to pick a fixed position and the thought of someone so close turning on you must be horrific. However even he should be able to appreciate that you have done what you can to resolve this and it's now becoming a toxic saga that needs to be resolved somehow.

If you can stand to send the invite with the note, I think I would personally do that in the knowledge that sil's bitterness will probably torpedo family relationships in a different way in the near future, but you will then be able to cut contact knowing you've done all you can and with your dp hopefully thoroughly sick of the drama and able to see this too. I'm saying this for the sake of your marriage. You actually have no obligation to deal with someone who has been abusive and if you feel you can't, you can't. But there will probably be a price to pay with your partner if you do this just now.

What you're dealing with is probably narcissistic rage and the impact of narcissistic parenting on adults and their marriages. Learning all about it would be exhausting.

It would be easier to acknowledge you can't change it, it's unlikely to ever stop, you will always be the bad guy, your partner will always carry some pain and guilt about this and you gave to salvage what life you can by detaching from it. It all boils down to - be seen to be reasonable and then pick the right moment to permanently detach. There's really no need to understand it from the inside.

have

@Reindeersnooker thank you for your comment- DP's parents have always been interfering for as long as I can remember. I think they use inheritance against the brothers or what they potentially 'could have' which is a family run business and money. I don't need any of it if it means putting up with this for the rest of my life.

I wouldn’t want these people anywhere near my child.
Pil won’t come to your house? Great! Stop going to theirs all the time. They have a choice. They can visit their grandson or not. By all means continue to visit, but call them out in their refusal to visit you. They moan they don’t see you? Well you won’t visit us, we can’t force you….

As for the party, of course you won’t invite Bil and Sil, they have given explicit instructions you are not to contact them so you won’t. And we really don’t need to keep discussing this Mil…

No one year old needs a party! A quiet relaxing day with mummy and daddy not idiots who are toxic and haven’t bothered with him so far…. Stop talking about the party, it’s giving Mil ammunition. Just bat her away…. We’re not sure we are having a party now Mil…

I wouldn’t trust any of this family, and especially Mil…
You need to sit down with your DH and have a frank talk. This behaviour will affect your child so you need to act now. Mil is already going behind your back to your DH. That needs to stop. Personally, if they live near by I would seriously think about moving…

Why isn't your dp on your side for this? His family are being awful to you.

@Bog same reason it has always been. DP is thoroughly controlled by in-laws and his parents give him money when he needs it etc, they are well off and I think DP and BIL know that.

@MinnieGirl thank you for your comment. I won't be trusting MIL alone with my DS anymore. As she bows and cowers to BIL and SIL I don't trust her with my child who she puts second.

Well if your dp needs money then that's his problem. Maybe he should find a better paid job or cut down on unnecessary things?