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Original poster

Forced to invite in-laws who hate us ?!

181 replies

WorriedandScared93 · 13/12/2022 23:40

Sorry for the long post. Hand hold also needed. Really would like any thoughts on this. I don’t know if people would agree with this or not.

DP has a brother who he has not spoken to for about 3 years, nor seen. Due to a big family fall out with myself, DP, BIL and SIL- we have not spoken. We fell out due to apparently me making up a story of how SIL spoke to me rudely (very stupid and she has taken it so personally and will not allow this to drop). I told DP who bought it up with his mum (MIL) and then MIL went and confronted SIL about it. Fireworks erupted, apparently I was lying and I have twisted it. I didn’t lie- it happened but SIL I don't think could remember. I think MIL may have made it out to be worse than what it was! I apologised to her and it seemed to make things even worse?

Apparently I have not apologised ‘properly’ and organised a family meeting for myself to sit in front of basically everyone in the family and apologise for what I have said to her?

Apparently I was not forthcoming enough with my apology, I control DP and I make him miserable and I have ruined the family? They said they give our relationship a year (its now been 3 years later and 1 child!)

FIL and MIL have said they feel in the middle of this. MIL lies to try and keep everyone happy.

Very aggressive messages were sent from SIL to myself 3 years ago, pages and pages of abusive messages that resulted in threats to me. Since- we have not spoken. Her messages consisted of her children not being part of me by any means (as I am not married to DP I am basically nothing to the family), she has also stated that herself and her family are nothing to do with us and wish to be left alone, never to contact them again etc. Which of course myself and DP have respected their wishes.

Me and DP have a DS who is turning 1 in March. We are planning him a first birthday party end of March with family and close friends, nothing massive just personal. We are due to send the invites out ASAP, due to the bad post at the moment this gives people time to RSVP and plan what they are doing for then. This is the first event myself and DP have organised ourselves- hence the issue we are facing where we are not wanting to invite SIL and BIL with their kids.

MIL has been begging me and DP for weeks to send the invite to them, to basically just keep THEM happy. We haven’t spoken to them or seen them for 3 years. Although they are DP’s brother and SIL- MIL sees them as family and they should be invited. I would feel the same if perhaps such hurtful things were not said to me from SIL.

MIL has said BIL has asked about DS and that he would like to meet him. Myself and DP have not seen this at all in him, so we think this is a lie just to keep the peace and for us to send the invite. A lot of lies are being told by MIL and it is overall just very toxic.

This stems from years of abuse gaslighting and serious deep-rooted issues between DP and BIL, as well as SIL and me. It’s to a point where im dreaming about it so much and it’s making me ill. Especially postpartum, it caused some PND with me- they did not try to reach out to us when we had DS to see how we were getting on, we really thought they would have tried to build a bridge with us. They did not congratulate us on the pregnancy or birth of our first child. SIL has blocked me on all messaging services and social media and BIL is ignoring DP completely. This is stonewalling to the extreme x100.

They have ignored all olive branches we have sent out in the past such as kind messages asking for them to see our new DS and any phonecalls we have tried to call them. We have stopped trying the past 6 months I would say.

FIL apparently told MIL he has threatened that he likely wont come to the party if BIL isn't invited. Even though it is his own grandson’s birthday party. I am so sad they are putting their feelings before myself and DP’s.

Surely it is up to us who we want to come? My issue was only wanting people around DS who love him, want to know him and have made every effort to be in his life.

Do I bite the bullet and invite or do I just not invite them and really feel everyone’s wrath. but keep MYSELF sane and happy, and allow myself to enjoy the day without being miserable at my son’s party just to keep MIL and FIL happy?

To be honest I know what I would like to do- that is completely get rid of them from my life, not invite them to the party and just keep myself happy for once and move on without anymore attempts of olive branches and totally soul crushing of my self esteem.

If I fall out with inlaw’s so be it- but sadly that is the only way I would like be happy. DP feels we should invite them to keep the peace (he likes a quiet life).

Thanks to anyone who has got this far!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/12/2022 12:31

moleywoleypie · 14/12/2022 11:31

I would say you're the 'nasty' one whatever you do. So you may as well do what works for you surely?

This is so true.

The saying " you should only ever value the opinions of people you value", really rings true for me.

Who cares what these people that you don't like think of you.

"Other people's view of me, is none of my business".

Very freeing to believe this.

If your partner can have poison about you poured in his ear and he would listen and believe it, you have even bigger problems than you realise.

Where are your family and friends?

Living too close to toxic family is a receipe for disaster with a weak partner.

There are many excellent posters that will give you super realistic advice.

I have read threads on here where in 5-10 pages posters have probably received a thosand pounds worth of therapy condensed for them in bite sizes.

I've learnt so much myself!

It comes down to this salient point, you cannot have a happy calm life if you surround yourself with nasty, unpleasant people whom create and love drama.

It will never happen.

So you really have to create the life you want by making wise choices as early in your life as you can.

I have happily dodged quite a few bullets in my own life through really hearing the wisdom of those generous enough to share with me.

Best of luck.

Brefugee · 14/12/2022 12:34

If you think they are going to show up you need to have a clear strategy of what happens if they just arrive out of the blue.
Starting with telling MIL not to tell SIL any details of the party (can you rely on her and other invitees to do that?)

Or you need someone from your side of the family to run interference and, if necessary, eject them.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/12/2022 12:41

WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 11:05

@SinnerBoy they are older than us and had their kids first and are able to throw demands at everyone in the family. If MIL doesn't obey what they want they have threatened she will never see kids again.

Has anyone ever called her bluff on this?

I would.

She sounds like the type to cut her nose off to spite her face. If she threatens to not see her grandchild(ren) again, so be it. She won't have a healthy respectful relationship with the parents of the grandchild(ren), so she doesn't automatically acquire access to their children.

Call her bluff!

LakieLady · 14/12/2022 12:42

Life's too short to waste time on unpleasant people. And cutting toxic people out of your life is very liberating.

Any adult who manipulates other adults in the way your SIL is trying to manipulate your PILs is barking and best avoided. If your PILs are prepared to dance to her tune, that's their problem, not yours.

No-one needs this sort of shit in their lives, save for barking drama queens like your SIL.

PeachyIsThinking · 14/12/2022 12:43

We have a complicated relationship with one set of in laws, I just let DH take the lead in all of that. I think it’s assumed it’s me but meh, not my concern. His family, he chooses. Every year I ask him if he wants to go see the other party and every year he says I: if he changes his mind 😷 go with him or stay home as he chooses.

So that’s my general advice about navigating such things but I’d add a caveat that a birthday belongs to you two and your child alone unlike some many other more generic events- you shouldn’t feel or be placed upon under any pressure at all with that one and I’d be tempted to scrap the whole formal
thing and just get together at some nice place for a day out with friends

Snazzysausage · 14/12/2022 12:46

Of course you shouldn't invite them. In your shoes I would explain to mil/fil what you've said here
You've apologised already
You reached out to them and invited them to see your newborn son
You've tried calling them.
They've ignored all your attempts to be civil going forward.
You've now drawn a line under the matter and it's finished.
Which it is,any relationship you previously had with them is dead in the water. Email all this or message it to mil so there is no misunderstanding about it and say you will not be discussing it further.

Azandme · 14/12/2022 12:52

"MIL sees them as family and they should be invited"

Ah but SIL has categorically told you that you are NOT family, so you won't be inviting them on the basis that it was she who ousted you from the family.

bananaboats · 14/12/2022 12:53

I wouldn't be inviting any of them including MIL & FIL!

newtb · 14/12/2022 12:54

Hope you've kept the threatening messages. You could have reported her to the police.

Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 13:14

@newtb I have them all saved. She said she was going to show my friends and family messages I had sent in the 'past'?! God knows what these are.

Also she threatened DP but I have no idea what she threatened him with.

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Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 13:15

Very true and that's something I will shove onto them @Azandme

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ZebraLyghts · 14/12/2022 13:34

Omg OP this is very similar to my situation.

DH's sister fell out with us after we had our DS (not a fertility issue on her end, it was actually us who struggled with that, it took us several years to conceive).

DH extended the olive branch several times. My MIL also lies to keep the peace, pretends everything is fine etc.

Anyway, we recently had a little family party for DS's 1st birthday. SIL came (unexpectedly), totally ignored us and sulked for the whole party, then made a big scene when she left! I'm still absolutely furious about it tainting the day tbh and will be having nothing to do with her from now on.

My advice is: don't invite them! Just invite the people you want and care about

GG1986 · 14/12/2022 13:57

It's your child's 1st birthday which to you is a happy and important day, why ruin it by being forced to invite people who don't like you and you dont like, just to keep the in laws happy? You have reached out to them in the past and been ignored so why bother. If fil doesnt want to attend the first birthday party then that is his problem, not yours.

SeveruslyFrazzled · 14/12/2022 13:59

God no. Don’t give your MIL this power. Say no.

Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 16:47

@LindorDoubleChoc I can certainly see why they chose to do what they done. I do think our situations are similar yes!

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 16:47

Going to make myself a cup of tea and sit down and re read all these comments, thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 16:51

Another thing is we always have to take DS out to the inlaw's (MIL and FIL). They never come to us. FIL cleared off out to his friends last time he knew we were coming.

It's cold and freezing and I don't fancy taking him out in this!

Apparently I've caused the rift in his family. So things have been happening past few weeks that make sense for them all to hate me. MIL just keeps the peace for an easy life, like DP. All these people having issues with me can really take a role on your self esteem. I am on 100mg Sertraline just to have to deal with a lot of this and postpartum at the same time.

I am waiting for 2023 as there is going to be some serious changes.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 17:00

@StClare101 I sent the messages all to MIL. 3 years ago when I first got them and also more recently to remind her of why we have chosen we don't really want to invite them.

I also said this is why we are not inviting them to the party etc. i told her how it made me feel, at least a good 2 paragraphs. all I got was 'I am sorry you feel that way' and nothing else. As if it's all in my head?

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 17:03

@Herejustforthisone exactly that, every word ...

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 17:07

@MrsDorrington this is what I intend to do now. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedandScared93 · 14/12/2022 17:17

Just bought myself this!

Forced to invite in-laws who hate us ?!
OP posts:
Sartre · 14/12/2022 17:30

Let them stonewall you if they really want to, they sound like massive prima donnas anyway. Such a huge overreaction to something and nothing, people really do baffle me. Don’t invite them, that goes without saying.

PlanningTowns · 14/12/2022 17:47

Start no, not in 2023.

the party is in March so no need to send invites this side of Christmas when tensions are already running high.

don’t invite them, no good will come of it.

take control of you, you can’t control what others think of you - don’t try it’s a war you will never win.

setting aside the rift, the MiL in all of this is living the drama, stop feeding it don’t engage with her. She is obviously more worried about losing contact with BIL than you guys.

and do not allow your child to visit BIL without you or dh.

Cherrysoup · 14/12/2022 17:49

Nosleepforthismum · 14/12/2022 07:42

I would tell your MIL that it’s between your DP and his brother to sort out but there will not be a reunion at your DC’s birthday party. If there are any bridges to mend, it will have to take place separately. Then leave it entirely to your DP and just keep repeating that if his brother wishes to get in touch, DP is available to talk.

I like that.

Meanwhile, tell mil to butt the fuck out, she’s making everything so much worse.

Bonbon21 · 14/12/2022 17:54

Bottom line is that you are NEVER going to please everybody so you might as well please yourself!
If they do not / cannot bring happiness to the event then they should stay away / not be invited.
Life is far too short to dance attendance to all these entitled people.
And the wee one will never miss what he has never had!