Forced to invite in-laws who hate us ?!

[WorriedandScared93]

Sorry for the long post. Hand hold also needed. Really would like any thoughts on this. I don’t know if people would agree with this or not.

DP has a brother who he has not spoken to for about 3 years, nor seen. Due to a big family fall out with myself, DP, BIL and SIL- we have not spoken. We fell out due to apparently me making up a story of how SIL spoke to me rudely (very stupid and she has taken it so personally and will not allow this to drop). I told DP who bought it up with his mum (MIL) and then MIL went and confronted SIL about it. Fireworks erupted, apparently I was lying and I have twisted it. I didn’t lie- it happened but SIL I don't think could remember. I think MIL may have made it out to be worse than what it was! I apologised to her and it seemed to make things even worse?

Apparently I have not apologised ‘properly’ and organised a family meeting for myself to sit in front of basically everyone in the family and apologise for what I have said to her?

Apparently I was not forthcoming enough with my apology, I control DP and I make him miserable and I have ruined the family? They said they give our relationship a year (its now been 3 years later and 1 child!)

FIL and MIL have said they feel in the middle of this. MIL lies to try and keep everyone happy.

Very aggressive messages were sent from SIL to myself 3 years ago, pages and pages of abusive messages that resulted in threats to me. Since- we have not spoken. Her messages consisted of her children not being part of me by any means (as I am not married to DP I am basically nothing to the family), she has also stated that herself and her family are nothing to do with us and wish to be left alone, never to contact them again etc. Which of course myself and DP have respected their wishes.

Me and DP have a DS who is turning 1 in March. We are planning him a first birthday party end of March with family and close friends, nothing massive just personal. We are due to send the invites out ASAP, due to the bad post at the moment this gives people time to RSVP and plan what they are doing for then. This is the first event myself and DP have organised ourselves- hence the issue we are facing where we are not wanting to invite SIL and BIL with their kids.

MIL has been begging me and DP for weeks to send the invite to them, to basically just keep THEM happy. We haven’t spoken to them or seen them for 3 years. Although they are DP’s brother and SIL- MIL sees them as family and they should be invited. I would feel the same if perhaps such hurtful things were not said to me from SIL.

MIL has said BIL has asked about DS and that he would like to meet him. Myself and DP have not seen this at all in him, so we think this is a lie just to keep the peace and for us to send the invite. A lot of lies are being told by MIL and it is overall just very toxic.

This stems from years of abuse gaslighting and serious deep-rooted issues between DP and BIL, as well as SIL and me. It’s to a point where im dreaming about it so much and it’s making me ill. Especially postpartum, it caused some PND with me- they did not try to reach out to us when we had DS to see how we were getting on, we really thought they would have tried to build a bridge with us. They did not congratulate us on the pregnancy or birth of our first child. SIL has blocked me on all messaging services and social media and BIL is ignoring DP completely. This is stonewalling to the extreme x100.

They have ignored all olive branches we have sent out in the past such as kind messages asking for them to see our new DS and any phonecalls we have tried to call them. We have stopped trying the past 6 months I would say.

FIL apparently told MIL he has threatened that he likely wont come to the party if BIL isn't invited. Even though it is his own grandson’s birthday party. I am so sad they are putting their feelings before myself and DP’s.

Surely it is up to us who we want to come? My issue was only wanting people around DS who love him, want to know him and have made every effort to be in his life.

Do I bite the bullet and invite or do I just not invite them and really feel everyone’s wrath. but keep MYSELF sane and happy, and allow myself to enjoy the day without being miserable at my son’s party just to keep MIL and FIL happy?

To be honest I know what I would like to do- that is completely get rid of them from my life, not invite them to the party and just keep myself happy for once and move on without anymore attempts of olive branches and totally soul crushing of my self esteem.

If I fall out with inlaw’s so be it- but sadly that is the only way I would like be happy. DP feels we should invite them to keep the peace (he likes a quiet life).

Thanks to anyone who has got this far!

Reconciliation should not happen at 'events' - weddings / parties etc. It's just too much drama and extra stress you don't need.

If you do want to reconcile, do it privately. It sounds like you don't want to though. Leave it up to your DP

@GetThatHelmetOn you are right!

billy1966 has nailed it. Wise words. Listen to them and take note.

WorriedandScared93 · Today 11:05

@SinnerBoy they are older than us and had their kids first and are able to throw demands at everyone in the family. If MIL doesn't obey what they want they have threatened she will never see kids again.

Oh god, what an awful person she is. I don't envy you in your situation.

@Brefugee you are right there and that's the approach I'm taking now.

I really wish I could be friends with people on here in real life, I literally have no one telling me this. Just reading comments on here has made me feel so much better. Xx

Why would not inviting them actually cause a shit show, when they have ignored your other attempts at contact? You're being dragged into their illogical way of thinking. Stay clear headed about what normal relationships look like.

I think you need some stock phrases for MIL / anyone who asks

"The party is for DS and people he knows"

"We have invited / text them x number of times and had no response. I don't think they want to know us anymore"

"I'm not inviting someone who ignores me for 3 years"

"They have made their choice to distance themselves from us. That's fine. If they want to change it they can give me a call"

Just repeat with no emotion.

@SinnerBoy awful isn't it.

@Ellie56 I have taken note of @billy1966 's comments on my 'notes' section of my phone!! Wish I had people in my life who told me things like this.

Thanks @bumpytrumpy also taken note!

Would they actually come if you invited them? I am by no means suggesting you invite them but I wander if a way round it is to invite them knowing won't they won't come? You can photograph the invite etc so show inlaws so they don't claim not to have been invited.

Please don't take this as me thinking you should at all, your child's first birthday party is not the place for family drama, trust me we have had plenty of that in our family and it's no fun for anyone waiting to see what fireworks there may be.

You only need to read this and follow the excellent advice given to the letter.
Christ life is too short for this drama.

@houseofboy they are the type of people to secretly turn up (not tell anyone) and completely cause a shit storm- let their kids run riot and ruin the whole event. They likely would just stand there with a face like thunder and just cause a general elephant in the room.

Well unless you want to spend the rest of your life dancing to their tune you can't invite them, can you? It would be as ridiculous as you currently mega-stressing about all this instead of getting your DH to sort out his family and leave you out of it.

They likely wouldn't turn up anyway. & unless you and your DH grow a pair, in years to come your DC's will likely end up being gaslighted by them too

These types of stories are a study in being very careful to look at a man's family when you're considering marrying him. If he hasn't sorted out his toxic family then they will become a nuisance.

In your shoes I'd ignore them all and just do what I wanted. Life's too short by far for bullshit.

Ah was hoping it was a clever way round it for you so you didn't have to have h to en but didn't look like the bad guy. Please don't invite them then. It's not the place for family drama, in laws will have to suck ot up, if they are that desperate for a reconciliation then they need to ask the BIL and SiL to apologise. Not acknowledging the birth of a child in your family is just awful it's not hard these days and if they can't do that common decency then they don't get to come to the first birthday.

I would leave it all up to your DH to sort. After all, they are his family. I just wouldn’t get involved and when it all goes tits up he will see it for himself and have to do something about it.

just leave him to it, then you don’t have to be the “bad” one.

If MIL doesn't obey what they want they have threatened she will never see kids again.

Your poor MIL. Seriously, at least you have some control over what you can say or do. But the above is absolutely awful, and it does explain why MIL is desperate to try to get things back to how they were. It may well be that she knows that she's the one who might pay the price if DIL goes off on one about the party.
What a vicious threat from her own son and his wife. She must be worried sick.

By all means stick to your guns, but do cut MIL a bit of slack in how you communicate with her. You can have your boundaries while still expressing them kindly and with empathy. I adore my DGCs and can't imagine having that threat held over me and being powerless.

I would say you're the 'nasty' one whatever you do. So you may as well do what works for you surely?

Why do any of that?
she’s an idiot but why feed it?

Who cares if you're the nasty one? Although it's not nasty to avoid these in laws at all costs.

If anyone accuses you of being the nasty one, just say, "Yep. So don't cross me. I am the nasty one so get lost and don't ever bother me of my ds again."

Hoppinggreen

Why do any of that? she’s an idiot but why feed it?

She has some bizarre pathological need to put me down, show how clever she is and how stupid I am. She always ends up screaming at me, even if she ends up admitting I'm right. It's why I won't go to her house, or socialise with her.

I was just responding because she was trying to belittle me in public again.

By insisting you apologise they are trying to dominate you and take control.

Don’t invite them. And as for this grand public apology they want you to make...fuck that. However, I also think that it’s a shame that this is only going make a bad situation worse. Does your DH want to heal things with his brother? Could he arrange to meet him privately and try and bury the hatchet. Either go for a drink or introduce him to your son. That might be a first step in at least you all being able to be civil together in the future.

Big old Fuck That!! Under no circumstances let them into your child's life regardless of their threats. Your job is to safeguard your DCs from this sort of emotional fuckwittery, which also means staying away from it completely and cutting them off because them affecting you will affect your DC.

Tell MIL that they aren't invited. Their behaviour is appalling and you don't cave to emotional blackmail. If FIL doesn't want a relationship with his GC that's his decision but relatives don't get to walk in and out of children's lives because it fucks them up so he needs to decide if he can compartmentalise his feelings on this and have a separate relationship with both sides of the family or get to fuck.

If you want a big party, have one! Just because some posters don't look back at theirs with any enthusiasm, this is your DS, that's the point!

I'm afraid I'd be telling MiL that actually, all this stress and upset means you won't be renewing contact until SiL makes the full public apology YOU require. No? Ok. YOU would never deny her contact with her grandchild based on another unrelated trouble maker, and they are very welcome in your child's life but people who create such strife are a terrible influence on a young child and won't be welcome.

From the sounds of things, though, if I were you I'd smile sweetly and say gosh, a child's party is no place for this kind of thing! Tell SiL to let me know when she wants to make peace and I'm sure we can forgive all this for the sake of a brotherly relationship.

Re all your worries about being the 'nasty' one - sounds like with this dynamic you are always, always going to be the bad guy. Nothing you do will ever please them entirely. So why bother trying? The only person you are ever going to be able successfully please is yourself. So focus on pleasing yourself.

If DH wants to make up with his brother, that's between him and his brother. Not. Your. Problem. Everything else? Make peace with the fact they've built a fantasy version of you in their heads, stop trying to control their bonkers perception of you, and crack on with the plans you originally made.