Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

[TigerLilly33]

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

I'd go. It sounds fun. I'd appreciate it if you provided some alcohol and a meal one night....but even if not I'd be happy to put I to a kitty.

If I didn't want yo go I'd say so.

A few years ago someone suggested similar. I laughed thinking it was a wind up and asked why would I want to pay for this. They should be happy to get a gift if I remembered 😂

She was a cfer though

Friends who have an issue when you decline something aren’t really your friends. They are users who rely on others to fund their lifestyle.

The other issue I have is that I am currently saving for a long awaited holiday in 2024. We are going to New Zealand for a month. My friends know I am going and currently saving as much as I can for it. I haven't turned down any expensive night out/weekend away (yet) with said friends due to having to save for this holiday. However, it is going to come to it very soon and then I know that will cause issues. It will be a case of ''oh you cant do stuff with your friends because you are saving up to go away with someone who lied and cheated on you'' (but that's a whole other thread! and - saying this with a nod to my friends - quite frankly my business if I want to go away with the liar and cheat)

@ihatethefuckingmuffin when you say 'rely on others to fund their lifestyle' do you mean that they just want someone to go away with/do something with ?

I don't pay for any of my friends. Can't really afford to pay for myself !

£170per couple yes, at a push. Per person absolutely not.

I wouldn't pay that to share a house with so many other people - ugh nightmare! And presumably there's food and drink and whatever excursions you go in to pay for too. If it's a joint birthday, it's a joint decision.

For the right friends, id be up for it. Surely it's worth putting the idea out there are seeing what people think?

Like hiring out massive houses for parties they couldn’t normally afford without others chipping in.

Going for meals and wanting to split bills then ordering expensive stuff.
You get the idea

I would be asking you what are you thinking. It has disaster written all over it etc.

It would be coming from a good place, not because you couldn’t afford to come out with me.

But knowing not everyone can afford lavish things I look at more affordable options anyway

The sheer level of entitlement of people these days is bewildering. Birthdays, hen & stag's, weddings... it used to be that when we had a special occasion, we treated our friends to a party. Now it seems expected for people to blow their savings on someone else's event. I wouldn't be caught dead being that grasping and inconsiderate.

The entitlement continues because people feed into it by being unable to say "No, I can't afford it"

This.

It'll end in tears …

Are all the rooms of equal niceness? Are you expecting single people to put up with sun- standard accommodation or share with strangers? Is it £170 per person or per couple? How will you do the cooking and the shopping for the cooking?

I think it’s a awful idea expecting people to pay that amount, I certainly wouldn’t be interested in going! And I think it’s cheeky that your “bestie” seems to think people will have plenty of time to save for it! Wtf!

This. You’re turning 40, not 5.

It’s be a no from me and we don’t need to find childcare. If I am looking at around £500-600 all said and done then Iw oils be going away with my besties only or my husband rather than looking to try and rub along with 14 other peoples wishes living with them for a weekend

I'd say no. It's not that I couldn't afford the £170, I could but add on travel, a present, meals and it would be more than I would want to spend on one person's birthday. Also if people are only friends with one of you owing to it being a joint party they may feel obliged to get you both a present and that bumps the cost up even more.

I of course don't know your friends so in your case I'd find out if anyone woupd be interested. If they are , fab why not go ahead. If you don't hear much from them I'd have a party and go away yourself.

Who gets to 40 and says things like 'bestie'?

Same principle as inviting someone to a party, or dinner, or a wedding; you pay, they attend. Fine for everyone to chip in for booze and food for a weekend, but if that’s what you want to do you and friend need to pay for the house. You don’t invite people to dinner and expect them to bring the food, or drink or pay for the privilege. Just because it’s a bigger “dinner” doesn’t change the principle.

This happened in our family recently when a niece tried to do a similar thing for her mum’s 60th. Caused so much bad feeling and in the end they had to shelve the idea. People declined because of cost. A party is a much better idea. If you do want to ahead with the weekend away, ask people for their views first.

Wouldn't it be best to canvass the people you want there before setting your hearts on somewhere?

Ie if we went away for the weekend our 40th's we'd like you to be there, but we're conscious of just how expensive its become. So could you tell us which budget for accomodation you would be willing to pay?

£0 sorry the budget is too tight
£50 a night
£70 a night
£90 a night

Remember you'll need to add food, drink and travel to that budget.

Then you'll know how many and which budget to look for. Much more important you're with yoyr friends than in a flash pad! You could stay in a Travelodge or Premier Inn and have a great time, booked early enough most people can afford a couple of nights away...

My friend did this a few years back for her birthday. It was much less though. I think max £200 per couple for 2 nights. She then paid for all the food and drink for the weekend (although we all cooked some of it and brought booze as it was self catering). Plus she threw a catered party with free bar. £170 pp sounds a lot even if you are paying for their meals. I guess you can ask people and see who commits. My friend got payments up front for rooms once people said they wanted to go.

You could get a group of women together and go for a cheap and cheerful girls weekend or ine night

Clearly the OP does...and so what?