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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

377 replies

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:30

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

OP posts:
Blocked · 27/10/2022 20:00

I hate things like this. It's so awkward saying no but I don't want to save hundreds of pounds for someone else's birthday weekend away when I could be spending it on my children, or my house or my car. Just have a normal birthday party.

treesfieldssun · 27/10/2022 20:31

Blocked · 27/10/2022 20:00

I hate things like this. It's so awkward saying no but I don't want to save hundreds of pounds for someone else's birthday weekend away when I could be spending it on my children, or my house or my car. Just have a normal birthday party.

This. I want to spend my money on what I want. Which is also my house/dc/car/ holidays

Isinglass20 · 27/10/2022 21:00

It seems to me OPs friend is wanting a 1930s ‘weekend party’ in a grand house with huntin shootin fishin library butler service and kitchen staff and all you could drink. Only large companies schmoozing wealthy clients do that.

Kissingfrogs25 · 27/10/2022 21:04

Isinglass20 · 27/10/2022 21:00

It seems to me OPs friend is wanting a 1930s ‘weekend party’ in a grand house with huntin shootin fishin library butler service and kitchen staff and all you could drink. Only large companies schmoozing wealthy clients do that.

It’s not a terrible idea if she could afford it! Asking others to pay for her dream birthday is a bit much unless they are very very close friends

Upwiththelark76 · 27/10/2022 21:31

So in this situation I’d say no if I was asked. It’s an awful lot of money .
However everything is relative so you’d be right to put the feelers out and see what comes back

totallybonafido · 27/10/2022 21:38

Nope, I wouldn't go. Just declined something like this. £1,000 per couple for a weekend away, for accommodation alone and not factoring in food/drink/activities!! I have it but don't want to spend it on that when there are many other better things to spend it on.

wentworthinmate · 27/10/2022 21:45

It would be a no from me if invited, it’s not just £170 though is it?

MadMadaMim · 27/10/2022 21:58

If it's close friends, go for it.

We've done this for all the 'milestone' birthdays and we always have an excellent time. The most recent was at Camber Sands to celebrate x 2 50ths.

Why not ask people making it clear that it's just to see interest and nothing planned at the moment. Based on the response, you can plan accordingly.

I think it's a non issue in that it's not a big deal - people aren't being forced to go!

Justbefair · 27/10/2022 22:19

I'm sure all of your friends would love to celebrate with you but, even though I dearly love mine and they me, none of us would expect to give up a whole weekend and the expense of it. Several couples if arranged then fine, have done that. Maybe the option of the weekend away and also a different normal meal/pub session? X

RampantIvy · 27/10/2022 22:25

Blocked · 27/10/2022 20:00

I hate things like this. It's so awkward saying no but I don't want to save hundreds of pounds for someone else's birthday weekend away when I could be spending it on my children, or my house or my car. Just have a normal birthday party.

I don't understand why it would be awkward. You just say "I would love to come, but it is behind my budget. Perhaps we could go for a meal out/you could come to dinner/other nice thing to do"

Wanda1249 · 27/10/2022 23:04

One can never really know the health of your friends' finances so it could be a 'big ask' to invite all your friends. It could make those who couldn't afford it feel very left-out. There are lots of ways you could celebrate that would not cost too much. I personally feel that if you want your friends with you to celebrate you should pay for it e.g. a hog-roast party which you pay for and ask your friends to contribute salads and desserts and bring their own booze. You pay for the bubbly for the toast. Good luck and have a good time.

mapofeasterireland · 27/10/2022 23:23

Wow. This is eye opening. What’s more worthwhile than being with your friends and family? Literally not much. I’d love an event like this. It’s totally horses for courses this question.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 23:39

mapofeasterireland · 27/10/2022 23:23

Wow. This is eye opening. What’s more worthwhile than being with your friends and family? Literally not much. I’d love an event like this. It’s totally horses for courses this question.

Wow. This is eye opening. How many PP are so comfortably off that they are unable to imagine that £170 is simply beyond the budget of millions of people?

Of course being with friends & family is worthwhile.
But of OP's "bestie" really valued being with people, she wouldn't price them out of a birthday celebration. So for her, this isn;t about her friends & family. It's about an audience &/or cost-sharers in her grand scheme.

mapofeasterireland · 28/10/2022 00:00

I’m sure she can read the room with what her mates can afford. People often do weekends away like this and then a dinner for people who couldn’t come or afford to come. Seems pretty standard…. In some circles 🤷🏻‍♀️

KettrickenSmiled · 28/10/2022 00:10

I’m sure she can read the room with what her mates can afford.

Are you? How bizarre.
OP - who is this woman's best friend - thinks otherwise.

Which of you do you think is more likely to be correct @mapofeasterireland ?

Roxy69 · 28/10/2022 00:43

Blocked · 27/10/2022 20:00

I hate things like this. It's so awkward saying no but I don't want to save hundreds of pounds for someone else's birthday weekend away when I could be spending it on my children, or my house or my car. Just have a normal birthday party.

This exactly.......but it could be worse, they could be suggesting fancy dress as well.

a1poshpaws · 28/10/2022 02:06

It'd be a big fat NO from me - however much I like my friends, I'm not in a position to put celebrating birthdays before the things I want/need myself.

RoseGoldEagle · 28/10/2022 05:35

I could afford it, I would resent my entire weekend taken up by your birthday so I would decline.

This is so weird to me. I get not being able to afford it. But why would it be so awful spending a weekend with your friend on their birthday? I just spent the weekend at my friends house for hers, obviously no accommodation costs, but would you not even do that as it was giving up a whole weekend on them?

OP it’s the mixed friendship groups that I think make this more difficult. If you had one really good group of friends who go away together anyway, this could be a great excuse to arrange that and then it would be fine. But in your case, if you really want couples/friends who don’t know each other to come, I think you and your friend need to pay, or at the very least heavily subsidise the accommodation, and also pay for a meal/catered event for the birthday element of the weekend. You have to accept that it goes from being a lovely weekend away (when people all know each other) to a weekend for X+Y’s birthday (when they don’t), it really does give it a different feel and will impact on how much people are happy to spend.

emptythelitterbox · 28/10/2022 08:30

These things are getting out of hand. Pretty soon everyone will want to do this and people would have 5 or 6 a year.

Tell her that honestly her birthday is mostly important to her and not everyone else. Most people other than parents aren't going to care that much.

Adnerb2468 · 28/10/2022 16:00

Depends on how rich your friends are.

banomom · 28/10/2022 18:27

I dont think either of you are being unreasonable. I have been reading some of these posts and I would prefer to go away with friends for a 40th. Gift buying is more difficult than ever, and would much rather have time with my friends. I think that is a "reasonable" price for a weekend away, especially if its all planned for you!! Whatever you girls decide, I hope your 40th is fabulous!!

FrippEnos · 28/10/2022 19:42

A question to all those saying great fun, done this before and it was really enjoyable etc.

What exactly did you do for the entire weekend?
Surely something must be planned?

luxxlisbon · 28/10/2022 19:47

Totally normal in my circles. Nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate with people you love, it’s how plenty of people mark special occasions.
If you don’t want to go then don’t. If someone is too meek to say they don’t want to go and spend money they don’t have to do something they don’t want to that is their problem and no one else’s.
But this is mumsnet and if you expect more than a card for your birthday you’re entitled, so…

luxxlisbon · 28/10/2022 19:53

FrippEnos · 28/10/2022 19:42

A question to all those saying great fun, done this before and it was really enjoyable etc.

What exactly did you do for the entire weekend?
Surely something must be planned?

Have you never gone on a weekend away with anyone to imagine what you would do?

Typically we would all get in on the Friday night, a few people would be in charge of making dinner for everyone and we would have drinks and a catch up.
Saturday morning laze about with coffees and make breakfast.
Maybe drive to a local village on the afternoon, see something cultural or historical depending on location. Probably do a nice big walk and stop off for a drink or two and a pub lunch.
Cook a dinner back at the house, maybe watch a movie or play a few games with a glass of wine.
Sunday morning probably have breakfast together and maybe a walk to blow off the cobwebs before all driving our separate ways.

OohMrBingley · 28/10/2022 20:13

FrippEnos · 28/10/2022 19:42

A question to all those saying great fun, done this before and it was really enjoyable etc.

What exactly did you do for the entire weekend?
Surely something must be planned?

Yes, of course things are planned. And some things are spontaneous.

It can’t really be that hard to envisage, is it?

It’s friends hanging out, enjoying each other’s company. It doesn’t really matter what you do, it will be fun.

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