Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

[TigerLilly33]

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

If you look upthread you will see that I have posted about eating out drinks etc.
I was curious to find out what others thought of as fun.
Sorry if that somehow offends you.

Who said it offends?

It struck me as an odd question, with the ‘surely something must be planned?’

Well yes, why wouldn’t it be? Other stuff will be spontaneous.

It pretty much boils down to catching up and enjoying each other’s company. No real mystery.

Just make sure no one sleeps on a sofa in the living room!
(Hope some people know what thread I am referring to!)

It does help if the group are broadly on the same page with their likes/expectations.We go away as a group of 6 families and have done for years but stay in simple places and do alot of walking. If you wanted plush accommodation and lounging in front of a log fire on a fluffy rug it is not the trip for you!

I wouldn’t go to the grown up sleep over but I would go to a party for a while.
Keep your original plans to go away with each-other & put money together for a joint party for friends & family instead.
Going away with other people is not something I enjoy but this is because I am disabled.
My physical ability & daily life is not like normal able bodied lives so to stop myself from feeling inferior & miserable the whole time we are away I push myself too much meaning I don’t actually enjoy the time away & it leaves me very ill once I get home if I don’t crash while away & then feel embarrassed.

Everyone is an adult and can say no if they want to...
All you can do is put the idea forward, say how much it will roughly cost and gauge an idea from everyone who is and is not up for it. Don't book anything until you get numbers.

That's tacky. Invite your friends as guests (i.e. YOU pay for the cottage) not as customers (they pay). If you cannot afford to do that then don't invite other people. So no, you are not being unreasonable.

I would feel awful and incredibly embarrassed about not being to afford to come. Please don’t put that pressure on good friends.

YABU £170 is very reasonable for a weekend away too

Also unless your friendship group is struggling why assume everyone is strapped for cash?

It is very reasonable if you are going away where you want with who you want, you couldn't pay me to shack up with others on a weekend away not of my choosing, which is what this sounds like

Which is £340 per couple. Loads of people don't have that kind of money lying around.

Also unless your friendship group is struggling why assume everyone is strapped for cash?

People usually want to spend their money how they want, not be dictated how they spend it and that doesn't change if you are strapped for cash or not.

Fully agree.

£340 wouldn't be a lot of money to me for a weekend, but I would want to spend it on a weekend of my own choosing, not someone else's.

It's like being invited on someone else's choice of holiday. You might have the money and the annual leave, but you probably want to choose for yourself where to go.

Sorry, meant to quote User17956743

Good thing no one is dictating anything then isn’t it

Its an invite not a summons and all that

And on the flip side loads of people do

Most know their friends financial situations so unless the OP knows this is an issue for those invited it’s a bit of an odd barrier.

Then you’d just decline no?

Yes, of course.

But if OP and her friend book a place for 16 people and half of the invitees decline, the weekend will then be twice as expensive for everyone else. And then more are likely to drop out...

Most people don't want to spend a full weekend and £170pp on something that they didn't choose. Particularly if half the people attending are from a different friendship group so you don't even know everyone who'll be there.

And it's not as if £170 is the full price. Once gifts, food and drinks are added in, it will be closer to £250pp, minimum.

Then they’d look for smaller accommodation

goodness me, how adults struggle so much with basic shit baffles me on here

I disagree. Most people don't know their friends' financial situations in that much detail.

There are obvious clues, but the idea that you can know for definite that your friend has a spare £500 (min. cost per couple once all the extras are included) to blow on a weekend away is nonsense.

Of course they do. Unless you’re not that close to your friends that is.

It’s pretty apparent when they’re struggling, most know their friends salaries and rough outlays too.

A lot of people can only afford one holiday a year (if they're lucky) and I think expecting people to spend their money, annual leave, childcare costs and precious time on a break of your choosing is a little selfish. Inviting people to celebrate your special birthday is great and maybe expecting them to pay for a meal or a few drinks at a party is the limit. Feeling pressured into paying for a cottage, travel, food and drink for weekend, possible childcare costs, a gift they'll inevitably want to give (x2) and spend weekend with people who they don't necessarily know that well (or at all) is not my idea of how to spend my one and only escape for the year.
Either stick to the 4 of you and/or pool your money and put on a night out/party that more people will be happy to attend and spend their money and time on

Since most people would decline it's a bit of a waste of time planning it anyway

Are you also friends with the OP?

As it’s always a bit odd when posters claim what most of someone else’s friends or family would or wouldn’t do.

I can almost guarantee as long as the dates were free every single one of my friends could and would jump at an opportunity for a group trip away. But then again, we like each others company and aren’t poor.

Also don’t understand the angsting! You are all adults if you can’t / don’t want to go - don’t! In our group someone will put on the large what’s app group “x and us are going here this date be lovely if you come if you want to join let me know by 29th” end of. Then it may be 4 of you or others may choose to join. If they don’t that’s fine too. Why are posters hand wringing about being under pressure?