Page 11 | Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

Pirrin · 26/10/2022 14:50

I'd happily join in if I knew everyone/most people. Birthday celebration is a decent excuse to get togyehr so long as its not too me me me. Not keen to pay for a weekend away sharing bathrooms etc with strangers though. But that's just me - many wouldn't be bothered.

I would make sure that a) everyone was told v clearly no gifts and b) a decent plan for how food and drinks would work was made before inviting people so they don't say yes and then get and unexpected €400 extra charge.

Nosleepforthismum · 26/10/2022 14:50

Don’t do it OP. It’s actually a nice idea and I’d be up for it but it’ll be like organising a hen party. Guarantee you’ll have loads of “oh yes, count me in” with about 50% dropping out last minute. It’ll be a nightmare.

Ponderingwindow · 26/10/2022 14:52

I see op claims to have flounced.

at 40 I definitely didn’t want to be cramming into a rental house with a bunch of people I don’t know well. I don’t want a less than ideal room while someone else gets a great room. I don’t want too many people sharing a bathroom. I don’t want to deal with the
forced cooking when I would much rather just go to a restaurant on holiday. I don’t want to eat food I don’t enjoy. I don’t want to deal with the noise from people staying up late or getting up early. Basically I am a curmudgeon and I like it. I want my own space.

you are also going to have the problem that someone on the guest list is going to decline and costs will go up.

SkylightSkylight · 26/10/2022 16:55

Octomore · 26/10/2022 11:30

I agree with PPs - this isn’t a reasonable expectation to place on people. People shouldn't have to "save up" nearly £200 to attend their friend's birthday celebration.

@Octomore that don't have to, they can decline the invitation.

SkylightSkylight · 26/10/2022 16:57

Ponderingwindow · 26/10/2022 14:52

I see op claims to have flounced.

at 40 I definitely didn’t want to be cramming into a rental house with a bunch of people I don’t know well. I don’t want a less than ideal room while someone else gets a great room. I don’t want too many people sharing a bathroom. I don’t want to deal with the
forced cooking when I would much rather just go to a restaurant on holiday. I don’t want to eat food I don’t enjoy. I don’t want to deal with the noise from people staying up late or getting up early. Basically I am a curmudgeon and I like it. I want my own space.

you are also going to have the problem that someone on the guest list is going to decline and costs will go up.

@Ponderingwindow

...and that's fine, you can/coukd choose what to do for your 40th. I don't see how that impacts what the OP's friend chooses to do for her 40th.

TeenDivided · 26/10/2022 17:01

SkylightSkylight · 26/10/2022 16:55

@Octomore that don't have to, they can decline the invitation.

Show quote history

They can decline.
But some people are people pleasers and will feel they have to say yes.
Some other people will be optimistic and think they will save up, but then won't and will drop out late leading to bad feeling.
Some people will say yes, but when people drop out won't be able to absorb the increased cost.

If friends need to save up for it, it is a bad idea to suggest it in my opinion.

SkylightSkylight · 26/10/2022 17:02

FurAndFeathers · 26/10/2022 14:26

I did this for my 40th except I rented a cottage for 9 and paid for it myself. I planned in advance so everyone had the dates and I had lots of time to save.

i wouldn’t host a party and expect friends to pay for the room hire so I don’t see this as any different. If you and your bestie cannot afford to pay as the hosts then you can’t afford to do this.

@FurAndFeathers

that was lovely you could do that

however, not everyone can afford to & that shouldn't stop friends celebrating & having fun together. I have no problem
paying my share of something if I want to go (I also have no problem saying 'no thank you' if I don't want to do something).

.

daisyjgrey · 26/10/2022 17:05

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:55

me and my friend have different friendship groups so the people attending won’t necessarily know each other.

A hard no.

OohMrBingley · 26/10/2022 17:48

I think it sounds like fun.

But there’s absolutely no question - you and your friend absolutely have to pay for the cottage.

No worries if it’s a bit of a stretch - you have time to save.

jetadore · 26/10/2022 17:53

£170 for accommodation, probably at least the same again for drinks, food, etc. I wouldn’t be going.

FrodisCapering · 26/10/2022 17:59

Honestly? I think it's really entitled behaviour. I could afford that price but I'd rather spend the money on my kids. People find it awkward to decline so it's potentially putting them in an difficult situation.

00100001 · 26/10/2022 18:44

OohMrBingley · 26/10/2022 17:48

I think it sounds like fun.

But there’s absolutely no question - you and your friend absolutely have to pay for the cottage.

No worries if it’s a bit of a stretch - you have time to save.

Ha! Yes. Agreed.

Badnewsoracle · 26/10/2022 19:53

I'm doing this with my friends for my 40th, but I'm paying! I'd never dream of asking people to pay to come to a birthday weekend away. A meal is different!

FurAndFeathers · 26/10/2022 21:38

SkylightSkylight · 26/10/2022 17:02

@FurAndFeathers

that was lovely you could do that

however, not everyone can afford to & that shouldn't stop friends celebrating & having fun together. I have no problem
paying my share of something if I want to go (I also have no problem saying 'no thank you' if I don't want to do something).

.

Show quote history

Good for you!

are you the OP?
cos my post was directed to them as they asked for opinions.

my advice remains. If you want to host an event and ensure everyone can attend then you need to actually host it. Not just organise it and expect friends to save up in order to fund your preferred birthday celebration.

Vonniee7 · 26/10/2022 21:46

Definitely put the feelers out first to see what your numbers will be. It's unlikely all 16 would agree to it therefore the cost would be more per head or you'd be looking at different accommodation options.

openscanofworms · 27/10/2022 08:10

I think it depends on the ability of friends to pay. I have some who wouldn’t blink and would be there but others who would have to say no. The only time I’ve been away for something like this and they paid for all of us! I don’t suggest you need to do that but what happens if someone says no, what does the price increase to? When do you draw the line and say let’s scrap the idea? I think go back to your original idea and then have a meal out with friends!

SkylightSkylight · 27/10/2022 10:19

FurAndFeathers · 26/10/2022 21:38

Good for you!

are you the OP?
cos my post was directed to them as they asked for opinions.

my advice remains. If you want to host an event and ensure everyone can attend then you need to actually host it. Not just organise it and expect friends to save up in order to fund your preferred birthday celebration.

Show quote history

@FurAndFeathers

you seem a bit confused about how MN works, never mind.

you're entitled to your opinion I'm entitled to disagree with it.

HTH

treesfieldssun · 27/10/2022 10:49

I've attended several expensive birthday events which have cost me at least £250 each time. I have felt obliged to attend each one. I have had to borrow money/'gone into debt to attend most of these. I'm a people pleaser who cannot say no. The birthday events have all been within my social group. It's getting ridiculous now. One particular person in the group has a lot more free time than others and is forever wanting to go away/book events etc for special occasions. I just cannot afford these and don't want to be spending my money on them. If I didn't go it I think it could potentially be a huge game changer friendship wise in the eyes of some of my friends within the group.

As an side, I no longer want to spend my money on going to any events - that includes concerts/spa's/random weekends away etc. There is a day out currently being discussed on our group chat for next year. It will cost around £200 each for ONE day.

Atomsaway · 27/10/2022 11:37

I think it’s an unreasonable ask in the current economic climate.
I hate it when people invite you to a celebration and then ask you to pay hundreds for the privilege. I wouldn’t ask my friends.
This goes for extended hen weekends, etc too. I think a nice meal out is sufficient.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 12:12

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it.
Bestie isn't answering your objection with this glib comment.
Bestie is STILL feeling entitled to ask several other people to shell out £170 to do what SHE wants for her birthday.
It makes no odds how long people have to deal with the discomfort of being asked to find cash they may not have.

But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?
Of course they can't.
This issue isn't whether they have the money now or how long it might take them to get it.
The issue is your friend's selfishness.

Has she not encountered the cost of living crisis?

VenusClapTrap · 27/10/2022 12:28

I can’t believe so many people are incapable of saying “No thanks, it’s not my thing / I can’t afford it.”

All this angst about causing offence and losing friendships. Resentment because of an invitation to an event. It’s unreal!

They need to teach assertiveness in schools.

RampantIvy · 27/10/2022 12:43

I totally agree @VenusClapTrap. There are far too many people pleasers on MN who tie themselves in knots making up all sorts of ecuses when a simple "I can't afford it/It is beyong my budget/I'm skint" would do. I don't think it is shameful not being able to afford something.

I either have better friends or my friends know not to ask me to do anything unreasonable because they know I am not afraid of standing up for myself (assertively and politely, I'm never rude)

2Rebecca · 27/10/2022 12:56

I wouldn't want to go with that many people and would be telling my friend that if she wants a large jamboree she can do that with her friends and I'll just go away with my husband. I'd be a bit peed off that she is totally changing the weekend

ExtraOnions · 27/10/2022 13:00

For my 50th I wanted to go to a Michelin Starred county house hotel for an overnight stay with a meal etc.

so exactly a year before (on my 49th) I told friends I’m family .. “I’m doing this, would be lovely if you came, but I understand it’s expensive, so I understand if you can’t”

HollyPupp · 27/10/2022 13:19

treesfieldssun · 27/10/2022 10:49

I've attended several expensive birthday events which have cost me at least £250 each time. I have felt obliged to attend each one. I have had to borrow money/'gone into debt to attend most of these. I'm a people pleaser who cannot say no. The birthday events have all been within my social group. It's getting ridiculous now. One particular person in the group has a lot more free time than others and is forever wanting to go away/book events etc for special occasions. I just cannot afford these and don't want to be spending my money on them. If I didn't go it I think it could potentially be a huge game changer friendship wise in the eyes of some of my friends within the group.

As an side, I no longer want to spend my money on going to any events - that includes concerts/spa's/random weekends away etc. There is a day out currently being discussed on our group chat for next year. It will cost around £200 each for ONE day.

Maybe you should work on yourself and learn to say no to people then. No one forces you to attend events.