Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

[TigerLilly33]

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

There’s no harm in asking as long as it’s clear there’s no obligation. Some will be up for it, some won’t

If it’s so far in the future I can guarantee loads of people will be up for it when it’s mentioned…..then all pull out as the date gets closer!

Are your friends the type who normally go away together and do big group events like this?

if they were all willing would that be something you would enjoy?

I didn’t know so many grown adults can be so unnecessarily bitchy 🤷🏼‍♀️

Personally I hate this trend for going away for adults birthdays and then being expected to pay and give up my time.

It's your birthday and I'm really not that arsed about it.

I would buy a gift, get a card and wish them Happy Birthday but that's as far as it would go for me and I am fortunate enough to be able to afford it.

You go and celebrate it however you want and leave me to spend my money and time on something really worthwhile.

I didn’t know so many grown adults can be so unnecessarily bitchy 🤷🏼‍♀️

We would go if it was good friends and would be a laugh, might find it hard to get babysitters though but we certainly wouldn’t feel pressured to go if we were invited. If I was you I would message round with a date and price and make it clear there is no problem if they can’t or don’t want to make it

me and my friend have different friendship groups so the people attending won’t necessarily know each other.

Stick to the 4 of you going away. If you want your friends to celebrate with you throw a normal birthday party or organise a meal out, close to where you live.

16 people sharing a cottage for a weekend is my idea of Hell. I wouldn't go even if it was free.

£340!a couple for a holiday they haven’t chosen is a lot of money. What will people do with their kids?

If it was a close friend just one of us would go. We have no family nearby to take our kids.

Nah, I would barely be able to make that happen for a wedding but a birthday? No.

It’s unreasonable to your friends. It’s £170 for the accommodation but then multiply that at least 2, 3 times for the true cost. It’s just greedy. This is exactly the same when it comes down to those awful hen and stag do’s , that end up costing the participants £100s.

To make it more affordable for everyone why don’t you and your friend pay for everyone’s accommodation?

Yes send an email sounding out the idea and asking how many/if any would want to go, mentioning you appreciate the commitment and totally understand it might not be for everyone.

Would your friend and you be prepared to do the same for everyone else on that list? Could add up to quite a lot of £££ 12 times 160 is nearly two grand!!!

Blimey some right misery guts on here! If I could afford I’d go and have a great time. If I couldn’t afford I’d just politely decline. Maybe if you go ahead you and your friend can agree to fund the food and drink?

No idea why it’s offensive to see if a group of friends want to have a weekend away together really 🤷‍♀️

I recently attended a friend's 50th. They gave us four months warning, and left us to book our own accommodation. £70 for a pub room and £10 fuel worked for me. £170 would not have done.

This month I couldn't afford anything. YANBU

Ah, well no then, I wouldn’t want to come. If it is a group of really good mates then yes, but I wouldn’t be interested in coming not knowing I’d get on with everyone.

Oh god, I definitely wouldn't want to come then. I can afford to but hanging out with a bunch of strangers on a trip I didn't necessarily choose, and paying for the privilege? Just no.

No way!! That is not going to end up as £170 per person, with that number 'splitting everything evenly' it will end up being more like £500-600 when food/drink is included and expecting anyone to do that for a 40th is ridiculous. Also, how is it going to work if lots of people decline and you are left with somewhere that sleeps 16 - do you invite B listers or are those who accept going to have to pay more?

If they have to save for it it is too expensive and shouldn't be proposed.

But she expects everyone to stay in the same house? That’s a definite hard no from me-it’s difficult enough being on a night out when you don’t know people, never mind dealing with them first thing in the morning too!

The consensus has to be there for a group holiday irrespective of the birthdays, which is really just a nice excuse! If you have a wider mutual friendship group who you know would likely be keen, because you’ve gone away all together before then crack on. If not, and you’d be inviting people who don’t actually know each other, then nope, sounds shit, and I don’t think anyone would be keen to spend the time and money.

Go away the 4 of you and invite other friends to a night in the pub or something more low key would probably be best.

Sounds like a journo writing a story to me

@TigerLilly33

From a neutral prespective

So this is a (possible multiple) 16 bed "cottage" from Friday night to Sunday night?

For £170

What else am I getting for this?
Food?
Electricity?
Entertainment?
Transport?

Am I going to have to put up more cash for these and one or more nights out in a town paying for transport to and from a venue?

From what you have posted and given that you and your friend will probably want gifts as well.

My answer would be a resounding no.
and that would be a very polite way of putting it.

Can't think of anything I'd like to do less. You know you're different groups of friends. I'd trust your instincts on this or you and your friend as hosts pay a much larger contribution.

That just makes it even harder, if not everyone knows each other.

The only time I've been on big group weekends away that have worked have been if all the friends were old mates, well aware of any snoring/meanness/food fussiness/issues around hygiene; if the accommodation was cheap or free (ie, someone's parents' holiday house); or if the birthday person was heavily subsidising it. I have been on a few that really, really haven't worked, including one where one couple actually left in the middle of the night, never to return.