Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

[TigerLilly33]

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

Often these things then become an annual event as they are so fun.

They aren't all friends if you read the thread.

@MandalayFray we like each others (sic) comany and aren’t poor

Wow! Good for you. You and your friends go enjoy your good company but not everyone's in the same boat (probably a yahct in your case, obvs). OP has already stated that they don't necessarily share same friends so can't not know everyone will enjoy each other's company. And well done for not being poor and ensuring your social circle is not dirtied by 'poor' people but I think you'll find that some people open their friendship circles a little wider to include people not just the upper classes and can't automatically expect them to fork out for a holiday on a whim

@MandalayFray has just popped on the thread to tell us how well off she is and hasn't bothered to read the thread.

This really isn't true! A lot of people don't discuss much about their finances at all, they talk to their friends about other things. And it isn't always apparent when someone is struggling because people are often proud.

Also - not having £500 spare for a friend's birthday isn't the same as "struggling"!

We would pay that for a friends birthday

You’re asking in the wrong place, OP. This is Mumsnet so a group holiday is hell on earth as is spending money on doing things for other people.

In real life, you know what is appropriate for your friends and their likes/dislikes and budgets. My group of friends would be all over this, for example.

most know their friends salaries and rough outlays too.

No, really they don't @MandalayFray. We never discuss money with our friends or family. Our finances are private, and so are everyone else's that we know.

I have never - not once - discussed salaries or finances with my friends.

But you can still get a general feel. There are lots and lots of lots of indicators.

What an odd post.

But you can still get a general feel. There are lots and lots of lots of indicators.

I don't disagree with that. A lot of our retired friends go on a lot of holidays, so I know they aren't skint.

Yet, she is asking people on MN for opinions. She is obviously nervous about asking people to spend this amount of money and so maybe either knows some of her friends can't afford it or she's not sure of people's financial circumstances. It's great when you've all got friends and know the ins and outs of their financial circumstances but this is not the case for everyone. Some people might be living on breadline, be in huge amounts of debts, have other commitments but don't want to divulge these to family and friends but would still feel obliged to try find the money if put in an awkward position by family or friends when it comes to celebrating a special occasion. Why is this not understood by some people or why do you think our opinion about this is outrageous just because you feel like you're a better friend because you don't have to worry about money?

@Eggygirl - I think the point is that Mumsnet is dominated by anti-social, hermit-like people with rabid social anxiety, who never answer the door, or speak on the phone.

I exaggerate. But only slightly!

So inevitably, you’re going to get a lot of people saying the OP’s idea is their ‘hell on earth’. And that has indeed been the case.

I think it sounds like a great idea, but I do think the OP and her friend absolutely have to fork out for the accommodation, instead of asking people to pay.

@OohMrBingley and you're directing this comment to me because...?

OP has not mentioned anything about people not wanting to go and celebrate her birthday because of the (bizarre) reasons you've suggested. She was asking if it was OK to ask people to fork out the cost. I was addressing this part of her post and giving my opinion that, in my case, its not something I would do.

I'm not sure if this is cross-wires,you meant to quote someone else or whatever but don't drag me into your crazy idea that everyone on MN has rabid anxiety and don't answer their front doors. Not relevant to what I was saying and totally not interested in getting into a debate about it with you

In your circle you might not, but for many finances aren’t a taboo subject anymore.

older generations seem to be the ones who are least likely to discuss finances with anyone, let alone friends.

Id consider that struggling

You have summed up the average MN user perfectly 😂😂😂

This in spades

@MandalayFray you're obviously very super rich and tou have every right to boast about it as much as you want, here, IRL, at school gates, down pub, in the golf and yacht club but by god, bet you're ridiculed by all those around you as one of those people who can't help but mention every penny you spend, every holiday you book, every designer handbag you buy...or they try avoid you at all costs.
Off you fuck and go spend some of mummy and daddy's money

I was just responding to your post above to LadyHarmby, explaining where I thought she was coming from. I wasn’t accusing you of anything.

<backs away cautiously>

@OohMrBingley no need to cautiously back away. Might have been clearer if you'd mentioned the post/person you were referring to, instead of citing my name with no context. If you were agreeing with something someone else was saying, then surely you tag/quote them - not try explain something totally irrelevant to someone else entirely? I just didn't get it. I wasn't referring to anti-social MN people at all, I was talking about the financial aspect - which I've done all through the post. I wasn't belittling or patronising people who can't or don't want to leave their houses or socialise with people they'd rather not. You and @LadyHarmby go have your little bitchfest together and leave me out of it please

Is having £500 super rich now - ducking hell some on here are wild

And mummy and daddy’s money? Not sure what money they’d have access to since they’ve worked in low paid jobs and relied on benefits for most of their lives.

@MandalayFray OK, you grew up in a working class family and don't have the brains to realise that £500 is, to some, a massive amount of money. But whatever, not getting drawn in by you anymore. You're obviously a troll.

You sound incredibly bitter.

£500 is not a lot to most, many aren’t struggling or on the breadline.

It’s sad you think it is, but that’s on you.

Sincerest apologies - I was simply agreeing with the pp that MN is dominated by a certain type of person (categorically not directed at you, or any individual), and that coming on here to ask about any sort of social event will give you skewed feedback.

You seem really, really annoyed by a thread about someone’s party. It’s just a thread on MN, it’s not worth getting het up about it.

Let’s move on - the OP has long since left the thread, anyway!

Meow!! Wouldn’t say I was poor but I’m not in the financial situation I was a year ago. Me and my friends love spending time
together. We go for meals, we go to each other’s homes and cook for each other. No way in the world would I fork out that money to spend time with strangers. Could not be chewed with the small talk of it all. Each to their own yeah!