To have said no on this occasion?

[CrockOff]

Seems like I'm enemy number one at the moment with this but anyway..

DH is going away on Friday for the weekend with work. He doesn't travel with work that often but it's needed this weekend.

I'm actually really looking forward to it! We have a young son together who is 5 and my plan was to have some well needed down time together. I've booked the cinema Friday night and was going to take him shopping on the Saturday for some treats and go out for tea together. He's really looking forward to his "mummy weekend" as he calls it.

My husband and his ex share two DC who are 8 & 10.

She has been invited to a wedding on the Friday and has asked DH if he'll swap the weekend so she can go (it's a childfree wedding apparently). He originally said no then she asked me and I've said no sorry too.

This is where its hard. She's difficult sometimes. If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah. She usually comes around quite quickly so he doesn't go without seeing them for long but he'll go through a day or so of stress trying to reason with her.

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'. But I just don't want to. I hate that this woman can control my life like this and I'm just expected to meekly change my plans around hers whenever she snaps her fingers. She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...).

I'm aware my resentment on her is probably being a big driving force behind my refusal to help this weekend but I'm honestly sick of her. She thinks she is in control of everyone around her and we, even my son, are just expected to agree to whatever she wants.

I don't want to take DSC with us. I want this to be our weekend, they will change the entire time and as much as I do like them, I want to focus the time entirely on my son and spoil him a bit.

If she can't go to her wedding well frankly I really don't care!

This is your husband's problem to sort and be clear about: it's not his weekend and he is away with work, so he can't have them. You're away with your own child (stretch it; needs must), so you're not an option either.

Who withholds contact and tells their children lies when it can only harm the children? This gives us the measure of the woman. End her run of blackmail by going to court.

And of course stand your ground on the weekend. Fair enough for your DH to ask you once, but passing on the emotional blackmail is really not on.

I admit I haven't read the entire thread (please stick to your guns, OP. This isn't your problem so don't let DP and his ex make it so), nor do I have stepchildren but I often read on here that we should feel about stepchildren as we do about our own that we gave birth to. Why, in heaven's name? Who does that? By all means be caring and kind to them but nobody should expect women to love other people's children.

Dont do it!
Why should you be the one giving up your plans?
If your dh is so concerned about them then he can change HIS plans.

Also why will your dh be stressing?
Ill guarantee if he doesn’t call her afterwards trying to pacify her into making arrangements to see his dcs, that she would soon be on the phone to him asking when he can have them.

Stand firm this once and take back control!
It will get easier!

Aren’t you and DS away for the weekend? With booked plans?

Say no !

Stand firm OP! Contact time is for your H and he won't be there. You're not free childcare. Your H has to sort this out.

& if you REALLY want to make a point you callus have separate time with each stepson on other occasions….. it’s really important to have 1:1 time with individual children - whether you’ve only got 1 or 20 ! Children (& adults) need 1:1 time! & letting your son down on promises will jeopardise that.

I’d tel my Dh that if he had put half the time he has pleading with her into a court application this wouldn’t be a problem, and you hope this motivates him to get onto it.

Tell her to eff off! This is as good a time as any to say no. What if you were going away on holiday, or going (god forbid) into to hospital, you'd say 'no' without hesitation then. You can't do it, you don't have to justify yourself to her. She has family she could ask, or she could pay for a babysitter (or your DH could)! If she's that entitled, she could take her DC to the wedding (yes, somebody else's problem; clearly no children should attend). Just say no and stand firm. Why would you disappoint your son for her sake? Rather than think of how it affects you, think about how it would affect your son. That way, it is so much easier to make the decision for him. Sorry (not sorry). You can't do it. With luck, she'll ask less often in the future.

Your husband has asked you for a favour and you won't help him out? You are doing it for him not her. Can't you suck up the Friday and bring them with you to the cinema and then they can go home on Saturday and you can crack on with your plans? Easy parenting all round.

No, he expects the OP to change her plans because HE won't stand up to the ex and tell her no. Fuck that

Their father is away with work, they are not your responsibility, you have former arrangements.
No, as in a whole sentence.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I do appreciate your husband's attempts to shield this from the kids. I grew up with divorced parents with new partners and I can vividly remember the occasions when they fought over who should have us. My stepmum was particularly bad at hiding it and always treated us differently from her kid. It's pretty scarring thinking that none of your parents want you.

Its their contact with their father and he’s not going to be there so she should be expecting a no.
You’re not her childcare and your husband shouldn’t be putting you under pressure to agree to it.
If he cares that much let him organise for someone else in his family to have them or cancel his work trip!

My ex and I share our son, if it's his weekend and he has plans that can't work our son in he will arrnage childcare himself or forgo the event, same here. There isn't an issue with us but his weekends are his responsibility and vice versa. Not your problem. Yo ucsnt facilitate him being a bitch for this woman so good for you stand firm. You might need to be blunt to him and tell him he has rights to his children and if she withdraws contact because of things like him not having them on her set days then he needs to be a man and take her to mediation as otherwise this will be your life here on out. I don't infantilise my children, I'll be damned if I'm going to infantilise an adult.... You are well within your rights. No explanation needed. Not your problem.

The mother doesn't seem to care much for her own child, using her as a tool to attack the child's father and stir up problems between him and his wife.

I agree..... She isn't saying she doesn't care for her step children she's saying she doesn't want to enable unreasonable behaviour and using of her husband's children as a weapon in the long term . This is love for her husband and her step children and also her own child, you can't please everyone and ultimately you need to think about the end goal.... You're doing great girl.

Saying no is totally reasonable OP.

Oh we have this all the time with DH’s ex. She’s always last minute and more often than not it’s in the school holidays. I work from home and it’s pretty much expected by her that I should have my two DC plus both DSC meaning I have all 4 at home on my own whilst trying to work.

If we ever say no we can’t she then starts asking if either of our parents or sisters can have them for her!
usually it’s because she’s booked a last minute holiday and not bothered to consider what she would do with her kids on the days she’s meant to have them.

if we ever want to swap then it’s mostly always refused. She also takes them off on holiday in our time during school term time too despite it being in the court order about our days and not interfering with their schooling.

This is bollox. Why should the ex’s plans trump the OP’s plans? That makes no sense. It is the ex’s weekend with her children. She wants to go to a party and is looking for free childcare. The obvious answer is that if she can’t find free childcare then she can’t go to the party. Her going to a party is not more important than a mother enjoying a rare weekend alone with her little boy.

Would she cancel her plans to help you and your partner out? I think that’s your answer.

So another ex partner who expects someone to just drop her plans and lol after her child at the drop of a hat.
And another husband who feels like he’s being blackmailed by his ex.

I’d personally never allow someone to manipulate me. The ex is your husbands problem, as harsh as that sounds. The childcare should be dealt with between them , the parents.
If you said yes, it could happen again and again. This woman really has no right to pressure you into these situations. Your husband might be blackmailed, that’s his choice, but you don’t have to be.

its a no from me.