To have said no on this occasion?

[CrockOff]

Seems like I'm enemy number one at the moment with this but anyway..

DH is going away on Friday for the weekend with work. He doesn't travel with work that often but it's needed this weekend.

I'm actually really looking forward to it! We have a young son together who is 5 and my plan was to have some well needed down time together. I've booked the cinema Friday night and was going to take him shopping on the Saturday for some treats and go out for tea together. He's really looking forward to his "mummy weekend" as he calls it.

My husband and his ex share two DC who are 8 & 10.

She has been invited to a wedding on the Friday and has asked DH if he'll swap the weekend so she can go (it's a childfree wedding apparently). He originally said no then she asked me and I've said no sorry too.

This is where its hard. She's difficult sometimes. If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah. She usually comes around quite quickly so he doesn't go without seeing them for long but he'll go through a day or so of stress trying to reason with her.

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'. But I just don't want to. I hate that this woman can control my life like this and I'm just expected to meekly change my plans around hers whenever she snaps her fingers. She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...).

I'm aware my resentment on her is probably being a big driving force behind my refusal to help this weekend but I'm honestly sick of her. She thinks she is in control of everyone around her and we, even my son, are just expected to agree to whatever she wants.

I don't want to take DSC with us. I want this to be our weekend, they will change the entire time and as much as I do like them, I want to focus the time entirely on my son and spoil him a bit.

If she can't go to her wedding well frankly I really don't care!

No way would I give in to this. I would expect my DH to stand firm for me on this too. She'll continue being a CF while ever it gets the required result. Do the hard work now, reap the benefits long term op.

I wouldn't do this .... there was a thread recently when the SM did this and the DM messaged that morning and said she wouldn't be home to have them.

It's an overnight stay I believe so wouldn't trust her to be able to be back in time to get them in the morning. Plus cinema is in the evening so she'd be too late to go.

Also, it's all very easy for dh to offer up your time when he's not even going to be there! Absolutely not, OP. Stand firm.

I definitely wouldn't back down. She's a CF.

Just say no. Her threats to be difficult over contact is meaningless because she won't want to lose her child free time over this one weekend.

Hell NO! Stick your original plan OP!

Stick to your guns OP! What will be, will be.

Whenever we say no to something as well she usually starts with how it's all about our son now isn't it and so on and that she'll tell them we have said we don't want them.

Keep reading about children like yours where having a bit of one on one time with their mother is a treat and often very difficult to schedule.

Unbelievably awful.
I feel so sorry for children like this.

Stand firm and give your child this time.

Stop being controlled by your husband and his ex.

Say sure DH. We’ll have them. As soon as you cancel your work trip and stay here to take care of them.

DH needs to say "No, we're away."

Tell him you have plans, you won't be here, so if he wants his kids here he'll ne3 to reschedule his trip because you have plans.

If necessary, go and stay somewhere with your DS!

She is emotionally abusing her children when she does this.

Remember that.

Start telling your husband any attempts to reschedule will be met with a NO.

Let her deny her children visitation.
Keep detailed notes.

Stop allowing her bullying to win.

I just knew from the first few lines of your post that this was going to be a step-parenting question. It does amaze me how many men (and their exes) see the new wife as default childcare. Contact is for the kids to see their dad, not you. I would absolutely no way agree to this if I were you.

Your husband is out of line for putting this onto you
he needs to manage his relationship with HIS ex wife and THEIR kids it’s not your job.

they’re both taking advantage of you.

you’ve said no and for very good reason not that you need one even IMO

You are not her childcare, absolutely say no. It's up to your DH to deal with her.

I don't understand the problem. Your DH simply says to her "I'm away working this weekend, so can't have the DC. CrockOff isn't here either".

It's not unreasonable in the slightest for him to tell her "I'm working away", particularly on a weekend that was her turn to have them. She'll have to find someone else if she wants to go out.

DH states he is away

Its not about anyone

you have plans

Unfortunately DH has to work this weekend so is not available
for contact, and had he been aware he may have made alternative provisions.

in regards to asking you “that doesn’t work for me” covers it.

Tough shit for her, isn't it?
And any mother who could tell her kids that 'they aren't wanted' is a total bitch. Your plans are made, she'll have to CF her way round others.

This situation is very similar to what mine was 5/6 years ago.

It took me REALLY snapping at OH before he finally got a solicitor and had a <forgotten the flipping name of it??> child arrangements order (??) put it place. It was a really helpful thing for both OH and his Ex to have.

it hasn’t, though, stopped her being shitty every time he declines being her free babysitter. She really threw it at him recently (and I suspect has had a rant to the kids also) about how many times he’s declined “to spend extra time with them” (read: declined to cancel his plans for her). Just a thick skin is required.

‘Sorry, I’ve already made plans, can’t do it.’

it hasn’t, though, stopped her being shitty every time he declines being her free babysitter. She really threw it at him recently (and I suspect has had a rant to the kids also) about how many times he’s declined “to spend extra time with them” (read: declined to cancel his plans for her). Just a thick skin is required.

It's funny isn't it how they are only concerned about their child's father spending extra time with the kids when it coincides with them wanting to get rid of them for the weekend so they can do something. Funny coincidence.

OP does your DH have a child arrangement order in place? If not I strongly recommend he gets one, it will help enormously with ex's ability to use the 'if you don't do what I want I'll stop you seeing DC' card and give your DH some confidence in saying no from time to time without worrying about repercussions from his ex. It's a relatively simple process and you don't need a solicitor, costs would be less than £500 and it's worth it's weight in gold in my experience.

But no, this is not your problem to solve, you have plans and DSC have two parents who can sort it between them.