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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have said no on this occasion?

240 replies

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 13:37

Seems like I'm enemy number one at the moment with this but anyway..

DH is going away on Friday for the weekend with work. He doesn't travel with work that often but it's needed this weekend.

I'm actually really looking forward to it! We have a young son together who is 5 and my plan was to have some well needed down time together. I've booked the cinema Friday night and was going to take him shopping on the Saturday for some treats and go out for tea together. He's really looking forward to his "mummy weekend" as he calls it.

My husband and his ex share two DC who are 8 & 10.

She has been invited to a wedding on the Friday and has asked DH if he'll swap the weekend so she can go (it's a childfree wedding apparently). He originally said no then she asked me and I've said no sorry too.

This is where its hard. She's difficult sometimes. If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah. She usually comes around quite quickly so he doesn't go without seeing them for long but he'll go through a day or so of stress trying to reason with her.

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'. But I just don't want to. I hate that this woman can control my life like this and I'm just expected to meekly change my plans around hers whenever she snaps her fingers. She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...).

I'm aware my resentment on her is probably being a big driving force behind my refusal to help this weekend but I'm honestly sick of her. She thinks she is in control of everyone around her and we, even my son, are just expected to agree to whatever she wants.

I don't want to take DSC with us. I want this to be our weekend, they will change the entire time and as much as I do like them, I want to focus the time entirely on my son and spoil him a bit.

If she can't go to her wedding well frankly I really don't care!

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/08/2022 15:48

This is also not about him spending extra time with kids as he is away working so not up to you to provide childcare and not fair at all.

Footbal · 22/08/2022 15:51

Not your kids so not your problem.

balalake · 22/08/2022 15:56

I might in your shoes say yes if it was her brother or sister's wedding, but would decline otherwise.

Crumpleton · 22/08/2022 15:57

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 13:46

DH has started with the 'but they'll be no trouble' stuff. It's not the point. They could be good as gold and I still wouldn't want to bring them on this one occasion. I understand he maybe doesn't get that as they are all his children though.

I do understand where he's coming from too about finding it easier for him and the kids to just have minimal conflict where possible but it's just not my problem that his ex is a horror (when she wants to be, she can also be fairly normal and even nice sometimes but only until she doesn't get her way).

There is no such thing as minimal conflict when a DP's EX is the one calling the shots.
She really needs to grow up as do a lot of these type with their shit chat about stopping DSC from seeing their dads just because they can't have their own way at the drop of a hat.

I'd never look after DSC on my own if that's their mother's attitude, I'd be to worried if something happened to them accident wise, as we all know can happen with kids, it would be my arse she'd tear apart without a second thought.
Definitely YANBU.

Original poster
CrockOff · 22/08/2022 16:04

balalake · 22/08/2022 15:56

I might in your shoes say yes if it was her brother or sister's wedding, but would decline otherwise.

It's her "best friends". .. apparently.

OP posts:
MzHz · 22/08/2022 16:04

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 13:42

It's a wedding so I assume she would have known about the date for a while

Another typical thing with her. Not letting us know until just before she needs something and then acting affronted when we can't.

Because she is deliberately choosing to make as much drama in your weekend as possible

intentionally so that she can then punish your h (and you)

stay firm and let her sort this out

the kids are supposed to be coming to spend time with their dad, he’s not there. It’s that simple

MzHz · 22/08/2022 16:07

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 16:04

It's her "best friends". .. apparently.

Show quote history

Well shame she’s not prioritising her supposed friend enough to make sure all plans are made well in advance

this is 100% manufactured drama.

AM453 · 22/08/2022 16:07

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 16:04

It's her "best friends". .. apparently.

Show quote history

Hahahahahahahahahaaaaa Best friend and she's only JUST got the invite?

FMSucks · 22/08/2022 16:08

Everyday there is one of these posts on MN. No is a full and complete sentence OP. Do not let your DH wangle you into doing this. Look forward to your lovely weekend and don't let anyone take that from you. x

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 16:08

AM453 · 22/08/2022 16:07

Hahahahahahahahahaaaaa Best friend and she's only JUST got the invite?

Show quote history

They’re that close! 🤔

Crumpleton · 22/08/2022 16:08

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 16:04

It's her "best friends". .. apparently.

Show quote history

Maybe her best friend can make an exception and have the DC go to the wedding.

Glittertwins · 22/08/2022 16:09

Like heck a best friend would give that little notice for any sort of party. It would have been planned for a while!

MzHz · 22/08/2022 16:11

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 13:46

DH has started with the 'but they'll be no trouble' stuff. It's not the point. They could be good as gold and I still wouldn't want to bring them on this one occasion. I understand he maybe doesn't get that as they are all his children though.

I do understand where he's coming from too about finding it easier for him and the kids to just have minimal conflict where possible but it's just not my problem that his ex is a horror (when she wants to be, she can also be fairly normal and even nice sometimes but only until she doesn't get her way).

Missed this… if they’re going to be a good as good… PERHAPS he should take them away with him….

it’s not your responsibility to throw all your plans away because his ex is deliberately trying to cause trouble.

Spohn · 22/08/2022 16:19

Really poor of him to not have bothered getting court ordered access sorted years ago.
His options are:stay home and parent all his kids. Or, decline his ex.
Nothing to do with you.

Original poster
CrockOff · 22/08/2022 16:20

No it's not court ordered. It should be I agree.

OP posts:
diddl · 22/08/2022 16:20

If they will "be no trouble" perhaps there's someone else he can ask who doesn't have plans for the Fri/Sat?

MsRosley · 22/08/2022 16:21

So your husband is happy to tout you out as a human resource just to save himself any hassle. Got it.

HirplesWithHaggis · 22/08/2022 16:21

Spohn · 22/08/2022 16:19

Really poor of him to not have bothered getting court ordered access sorted years ago.
His options are:stay home and parent all his kids. Or, decline his ex.
Nothing to do with you.

Most people with reasonable exes don't need the faff or expense of a Child Arrangements order. It's not a failing on the part of DH here.

aloris · 22/08/2022 16:22

I would not change my plans because you have already made a promise to your son and he is looking forward to spending "mummy time" time alone with you. You have a social event planned with him and your husband and his ex want you to cancel your social plan with your son to suit his ex's social plans. If you change plans now then it tells him that your plans with him are less important than your plans with other people. That will create insecurity for him that he cannot rely on the plans you make with him. It would be different if she had an actual emergency (eg. a medical emergency) or if you were planning to just chill at home.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/08/2022 16:23

2 things...
Firstly, don't even mention why you can't have the DC, just a straightforward, "No, I'm busy/already got plans". If you give reasons, you give people like this ammunition to argue why should be able to do what they want..
Secondly, why are you her default childcare? Does she look after your DC? Is there a reciprocal arrangement?
I can see why DH would be her first port of call, and it's his children so he should accommodate having them if he can, but if he's already arranged to work knowing that he won't be having them, then there's not very much he can do.
If you say yes, she will keep on asking you. And if she knows why you are saying no this time, it will make you look bad to anyone she tells the story to, but that's not your problem.

elisenbrunnen · 22/08/2022 16:26

Well I'm amazed - where are all the posts crying about the poor stepchildren, how you should of course take them with you OP! They will be feeling unwanted, poor things. Everything that your child does, they should do, otherwise they are deprived. You should of course drop everything so that you can look after them, can't you imagine how they are feeling - no parent wants them? Hmm Neither of the actual parents want them there, so of course OP should be the one to parent them?

Where are the handwringers, stating that 'of course I would take them with me, they are faaamily after all...' (regardless of the fact that the step children have 3 or up to 4 parents, actual or step, whereas your child only has 2 Hmm )

Whatever happened to 'step parents can do no right'?

TeeBee · 22/08/2022 16:26

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 14:05

Whenever we say no to something as well she usually starts with how it's all about our son now isn't it and so on and that she'll tell them we have said we don't want them.

Well yes, in this instance it is all about your son, because you are his mother...not the mother of her children. Cheeky cow (and so is your DH). You have plans for one-to-one time with your son. Tough tits to the pair of them.

Meraas · 22/08/2022 16:27

Say no!

WilsonMilson · 22/08/2022 16:31

This is a DH problem. He needs to stand up for you over his ex and her demands.

He has no right to dictate what your do with your weekend when he is away, his kids are not your responsibility at all. It’s him who is being a dick here.

TiddleyWink · 22/08/2022 16:31

Say no. And say it in a way that next time your husband doesn’t see pissing you off as an option. The way he apparently doesn’t his ex. He needs to get his contact time court ordered, he should have done that the first time she attempted to withhold contact. I would have very little respect for him as a husband or father, the way he is dealing with this situation. Where is his backbone or respect for you? He would rather inconvenience you than his ex or himself. How do you feel about your position in the pecking order? It’s not one I could tolerate personally.

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