To have said no on this occasion?

[CrockOff]

Seems like I'm enemy number one at the moment with this but anyway..

DH is going away on Friday for the weekend with work. He doesn't travel with work that often but it's needed this weekend.

I'm actually really looking forward to it! We have a young son together who is 5 and my plan was to have some well needed down time together. I've booked the cinema Friday night and was going to take him shopping on the Saturday for some treats and go out for tea together. He's really looking forward to his "mummy weekend" as he calls it.

My husband and his ex share two DC who are 8 & 10.

She has been invited to a wedding on the Friday and has asked DH if he'll swap the weekend so she can go (it's a childfree wedding apparently). He originally said no then she asked me and I've said no sorry too.

This is where its hard. She's difficult sometimes. If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah. She usually comes around quite quickly so he doesn't go without seeing them for long but he'll go through a day or so of stress trying to reason with her.

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'. But I just don't want to. I hate that this woman can control my life like this and I'm just expected to meekly change my plans around hers whenever she snaps her fingers. She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...).

I'm aware my resentment on her is probably being a big driving force behind my refusal to help this weekend but I'm honestly sick of her. She thinks she is in control of everyone around her and we, even my son, are just expected to agree to whatever she wants.

I don't want to take DSC with us. I want this to be our weekend, they will change the entire time and as much as I do like them, I want to focus the time entirely on my son and spoil him a bit.

If she can't go to her wedding well frankly I really don't care!

So he's ok with pissing you off and ruining your plans with DS but he's NOT ok with pissing off his ex? He'd rather mess up your time than ruin it for his ex? That's basically summing it up isn't it. If he's that concerned he needs to canx his work weekend.

Continue to say no. Enjoy your time with your DS this weekend.

Stick to your guns. My teenage DSD is with me constantly as his mum has decided that he’s too much for her. I’ve really resented it this summer holiday and am dreaming of time with just my own two teenage DC. I would never expect another woman to look after my children. Cheeky CFs!

Because also how will this make your son feel.that he’s been promised something like this only to be sidelined again.it sounds like this is an ongoing problem.therefore this is also happening to him over and over.

You aren't being unreasonable at all.

1. It's a wedding, so she'd have had plenty of notice to work out whose weekend it was with the children and ask if he'd swap, then if he can't, she has the time to find someone else to care for them for the duration.
2. Their father isn't even around that weekend, and yes, you've been a part of their lives for over half their existence, and are mother to their half-brother, they'd probably still prefer to see their dad.
3. This is the biggy. YOU HAVE PLANS! Do NOT let your hubby guilt-trip you into changing them because he won't front up to his ex. She's already got no problems with using those poor kids as ammo, and unless he gets firm, she'll continue to use them till they are out of her control.

Don't back down, you're actually doing all of them a favour. As much as you probably love your stepchildren, and want them to see their brother whenever possible, this is between their mum and dad and neither should be dumping on you. Stay strong mamma, say no!

I sincerely hope you stick to your guns.

I understand your dh wanting to keep the peace but time to make arrangements more formal if she threatens to not allow contact because he/you don't bend to her will.

It would be a cold day in hell before I disappointed my son for the sake of a stroppy ex partner.

1. No way did she not know well in advance - her problem not yours!
2. It is their time with their dad, if he wants them to be there then he can cancel his work thing!
3. You are not a free babysitter for someone who can’t organize themselves properly
4. If you let people walk all over you, they will continue to do so! Stick to your guns!
5. What about how your child will feel - has anyone thought of him as dad clearly isn’t!
6. Screw that no way would I do it!!!!!

Would the children even want to be there without their dad?

No. It’s not his weekend and too short notice

You both have plans as not his weekend

be different if she asked to swap with months notice

ex will have to get a babysitter or ask other family or friends

dh needs to grow some balls and also get contact set in stone by court so ex can’t say can’t have next time it’s his weekend

While you are technically in your rights I don't think I'd be able to ever say no to my partner's children coming home as needed unless there was some kind of safety issue or an immovable conflict. Even being a partial caregiver I'd never want to send the message they were unwelcome or a burden. But I guess if I have decided to marry someone with kids I'd also be looking it as making the kids my "problem", but I'd probably call it a joy so as not to be hurtful cuz... kids.

@CrockOff - I hope you've been able to have a lovely weekend with your son. Wasn't it this weekend that your DH's ex wanted you to look after their son? I hope she managed to find alternative care for him.

How noble of you. Meanwhile, the rest of us understand implementing some boundaries is reflecting what a healthy relationship looks like...

If I knew my DSC existed when I married my DH and I thought I'd never be able to say no to what suited everyone else apart from my own DC, I think I'd know that motherhood wasn't for me and decide to not make my own DC exist too - then I could spend my days serving the needs of other peoples DC without ever having to worry about the needs of my own.
But only if I knew all that before I married him.

It’s unreasonable of your Dh to ask you to do this your Dc needs time alone with you; he’s looking forward to it; she hasn’t just been given this invitation they go out weeks before the event!! Be honest with Dh tell him you need this time alone with your Dc & sorry but not sorry your both having Dsc this weekend she’s not going to control you like this anymore it’s got to stop & that we have to put our Dc first sometimes too x
Good luck & have a fab weekend with your little man xx

You do realise this thread is from last august don’t you?

Are you feeling quite well @Missingpop ?