To have said no on this occasion?

[CrockOff]

Seems like I'm enemy number one at the moment with this but anyway..

DH is going away on Friday for the weekend with work. He doesn't travel with work that often but it's needed this weekend.

I'm actually really looking forward to it! We have a young son together who is 5 and my plan was to have some well needed down time together. I've booked the cinema Friday night and was going to take him shopping on the Saturday for some treats and go out for tea together. He's really looking forward to his "mummy weekend" as he calls it.

My husband and his ex share two DC who are 8 & 10.

She has been invited to a wedding on the Friday and has asked DH if he'll swap the weekend so she can go (it's a childfree wedding apparently). He originally said no then she asked me and I've said no sorry too.

This is where its hard. She's difficult sometimes. If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah. She usually comes around quite quickly so he doesn't go without seeing them for long but he'll go through a day or so of stress trying to reason with her.

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'. But I just don't want to. I hate that this woman can control my life like this and I'm just expected to meekly change my plans around hers whenever she snaps her fingers. She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...).

I'm aware my resentment on her is probably being a big driving force behind my refusal to help this weekend but I'm honestly sick of her. She thinks she is in control of everyone around her and we, even my son, are just expected to agree to whatever she wants.

I don't want to take DSC with us. I want this to be our weekend, they will change the entire time and as much as I do like them, I want to focus the time entirely on my son and spoil him a bit.

If she can't go to her wedding well frankly I really don't care!

If they are 8 and 10, and it's just a party, why can't she just get a babysitter?

If it's not local, she can get a babysitter local to the "wedding" They are not little, it's not like they are 1 and 3 and you don't want strangers looking after them, older kids will be fine for a few hours.

But anyway it isn't your problem to solve. You have plans. Your DH and his ex can sort it out. Their kids, their childcare issue. Not yours.

What would he have done if they were still married and she had a wedding at the same time he was traveling? That’s his starting point I agree with this but in any event it's not the OP's problem.

"So her best friend invited her to a wedding with 4 days notice - she really must think you were born yesterday to believe that!

This with bells on!

I use to work with a girl and on occasion the job entailed having to go out with the team on a night out - with kids and busy evenings- I use to dread having to go on these events. Never had a good enough excuse ready. Worried what the company would think of me if I refused.
One of my colleagues was a queen at avoiding these nights out. The one thing she always did was use the "CAN'T"

So simple - "sorry, I can't make it tonight, other plans" no one would ever question her. Such a fantastic word-.
I adopted her method - haven't looked back since.

It is really very difficult to question someone when they simple "Can't" do it, not available.

Let your DH and Ex know you "can't " do it this weekend - other plans. Not available. End of story. Don't even think about it. Not your problem!

Honestly, it's that simple - don't get drawn into any discussions or excuses. Keep bright and breezy.

It's quite simple - dads on a work trip, you already have plans. Ex can jog on.

If DH is worried about her being a pain about future visits he should cancel his work trip, and I also strongly recommend a court ordered visitation schedule so she can stop being a bitch when she doesn't get her way.

Also do the children want to spend the weekend with you if their dads not there??

Stand firm
She has had plenty of time to swap weekends with your DH
DH is emotionally blackmailing you by saying " Do it for me" No! You have already promised your joint DS his Mummy weekend

@CrockOff "No DH, I'm very sorry but I've got plans that won't work with 3. With more notice I might have been able to, but, not this time I'm afraid. I realise that's not the answer you want to hear but just not possible this time" and don't even engage with him. To be honest, I'd be tempted to go away so there's no chance of her dumping kids on you and legging it.

Your husband's weekend with his kids is supposed to be just that: his weekend with them. Not free babysitting. It's for his benefit and theirs, not hers.

Say no.

Gawd, poor bloody kids. Mother trying to fob them off, father won’t cancel work to have them & stepmother (understandably) spending time with her own child.
OP, you are not being unreasonable

I think her story is total crap and she has a date….🧐

Oh, it only published half of my message....
anyway, it was just saying that DH needs to sort this out. They made a decision to have children and they need to make the necessary sacrifices.

Just wondering if this could be ex being deliberately bolshie - by that I mean, could she have known the DH was away this particular weekend and have fabricated the wedding, just to exercise a bit of power play.

A court order, in practice, can make very little difference. It will say the child must be made available at blah blah times, but if RP chooses not to do that, there is very little comeback. Very occasionally the court will grant residence to the NRP if the RP is particularly difficult, but that would take years and very many £££ trailing back and forth to court. It's not a cure-all for these situations.

Access is not really about babysitting is it? It's for the parent to spend time with the child/children. It's not convenient so I'd say sorry, but no. She will soon want another child free weekend so he won't miss out much.

But@HirplesWithHaggis a CAO can make it easier to say No: 'Sorry, ExWife, but according to the CAO it isn't the designated time for DH to have his children.'
The end.

I used to have this my DH and his Ex.

On the odd occasion I couldn't help it was utter hell.

In the end I'd tell him 'the answer is No, I will not discuss it anymore' and refuse any more conversations about it, because it isn't worth an argument but he needs to understand you have plans, and your not available to help on this occasion.

absolutely 100% SAY NO. And tbh I'd be pretty cross with your 'd'H for not nipping it in the bud without involving you.

Ask you Husband why his ex's wants and wishes are far more important than yours.

Best friend doesn’t want her children at the party…….. probably why the invitation came so late, “ no childcare? Oh dear, we will miss you, but we can catch up another time “

DHS ex used to pull stunts like this. One occasion actually blocked my car in to stop me going out (to a Dr appointment) as she wanted to drop DSS off 4 hrs early.

She used to pull access on a whim and was a basically a nightmare.

I understand your DH asking you but he should respect your decision to say no.

No doubt the ex will want a child free weekend sometime soon so the access probably won't be stopped for that long. Such a shame for the poor DC involved but it is their mother's doing and neither you or your DH are to blame.

No matter what they call it she can find someone else or not go. You are not obligated to her.

I don’t understand your refusal…don’t you care about your step child?

Does she babysit your DC whenever you demand?

Why on earth should you babysit hers.

It's her weekend. Their father has other plans. You have other plans.

Your DH has no right to expect you to look after his DC while he is away.

It's very simple. She needs to find a babysitter.

I take it she was invited to the wedding last minute as other wise why is this only just coming to light?

Say no

I wouldn't allow a child to dictate, tantrum and blackmail me, so I wouldn't allow it from an adult either. Just say no, otherwise she'll always do it. Your husband is being unreasonable. If she wants to stop access, it won't last long. Let's face it, she'll want her child free alternate weekends back again!

Did you make it to the appointment?

You're right, it does. But it doesn't help when daddy next goes to pick up the dc on his weekend, and mummy and dc aren't in/refuse to answer the door. Which is what daddy is scared of, and why he wants OP here to take on the babysitting.

Fully agree she shouldn't, btw, but CAO are not the panacea some people think. They can just be ineffective, emotionally draining, and expensive. :(