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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no on this occasion?

240 replies

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 13:37

Seems like I'm enemy number one at the moment with this but anyway..

DH is going away on Friday for the weekend with work. He doesn't travel with work that often but it's needed this weekend.

I'm actually really looking forward to it! We have a young son together who is 5 and my plan was to have some well needed down time together. I've booked the cinema Friday night and was going to take him shopping on the Saturday for some treats and go out for tea together. He's really looking forward to his "mummy weekend" as he calls it.

My husband and his ex share two DC who are 8 & 10.

She has been invited to a wedding on the Friday and has asked DH if he'll swap the weekend so she can go (it's a childfree wedding apparently). He originally said no then she asked me and I've said no sorry too.

This is where its hard. She's difficult sometimes. If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah. She usually comes around quite quickly so he doesn't go without seeing them for long but he'll go through a day or so of stress trying to reason with her.

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'. But I just don't want to. I hate that this woman can control my life like this and I'm just expected to meekly change my plans around hers whenever she snaps her fingers. She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...).

I'm aware my resentment on her is probably being a big driving force behind my refusal to help this weekend but I'm honestly sick of her. She thinks she is in control of everyone around her and we, even my son, are just expected to agree to whatever she wants.

I don't want to take DSC with us. I want this to be our weekend, they will change the entire time and as much as I do like them, I want to focus the time entirely on my son and spoil him a bit.

If she can't go to her wedding well frankly I really don't care!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 22/08/2022 19:34

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SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 19:34

Doing something doesn’t have to be a CAO. It might be setting very clear boundaries with her. Going to mediation. Various other things.

Pretty much anything that isn’t just giving in every time because it’s easier and he fears she’ll be awful.

HirplesWithHaggis · 22/08/2022 19:50

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 19:34

Doing something doesn’t have to be a CAO. It might be setting very clear boundaries with her. Going to mediation. Various other things.

Pretty much anything that isn’t just giving in every time because it’s easier and he fears she’ll be awful.

Depends on the nature of the ex, though. A reasonable ex would be open and willing to stick to a schedule, and if that can't be negotiated between two adults (with the DC best interests at heart, not point-scoring), go to mediation, and abide by that. This ex, however, is not reasonable or she wouldn't be threatening to cut contact every time someone says "No" to her.

My DS has an unreasonable ex, too. She almost had him in police cells for a weekend when he turned up as agreed, she refused to answer the door, and he called to his dc through the letter box before giving up and leaving. She dialled 999, reported this as domestic violence... He was able to convince the officers it was no such thing, but it was a close call. She later withheld contact for a year, when DS found a new partner, though she agreed arrangements and then reneged at the last moment over and over again.

Such women exist. OP's DH is scared his ex is one. (Though she's probably not as bad as my son's ex, she really is a peach,)

autienotnaughty · 22/08/2022 21:09

Agree don't do it. You have a lovely weekend planned with your son why should that be changed. Either dh cancels work or ex finds alternative childcare.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 22/08/2022 21:11

Boreded · 22/08/2022 19:11

I don’t understand your refusal…don’t you care about your step child?

By your own logic maybe you ought to be questioning why the step children's own mother doesn't care about them.

SleepingAgent · 22/08/2022 22:26

slowquickstep · 22/08/2022 18:47

Ask you Husband why his ex's wants and wishes are far more important than yours.

Yes this.

I agree with a previous poster that you need to make it more unpleasant for him to piss YOU off than to piss off his EX. Good tactic with a man who seems desperate for the path of least resistance, even when it is awful for you and your plans.

SleepingAgent · 22/08/2022 22:28

Boreded · 22/08/2022 19:11

I don’t understand your refusal…don’t you care about your step child?

There's always one HmmHmmHmm

wellobviouslyyoucan · 23/08/2022 01:11

Would your partners ex even be happy knowing that you're having them whilst he's away?

He just needs to say that he can't do it because he's away with work, which he's planned for this weekend due to it being that weekend he has doesn't have his son!

If she asks if you can have him then you partner simply says you've also made plans as he will be away!

BigChesterDraws · 23/08/2022 04:37

What would she have done with the children if she was still with your husband and they were invited to a child-free wedding? She would have asked grandparents/aunts if they could stay with them, she’d get a babysitter or she would have to decline the invitation. She has the same three options as a single parent. Not being with your husband any longer doesn’t change that.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 23/08/2022 07:41

@Allyouneedislunch I don't think the DH is in the wrong here as far as not cancelling work goes, but he absolutely is for asking the op to cover it. Also, this is a social event, not an emergency which would be different. He was not scheduled to have them this weekend so made work plans. The mother is totally unreasonable for not taking no for an answer and accepting she'll have to miss the party, or find other childcare. This is not about the "poor unwanted kids". Adults are entitled to want a bit of child free time and a social life, but it has to be handled right.

Hiphophippityskip1 · 23/08/2022 11:32

Your husband should have asked you and accepted your refusal and quite simply said to the ex sorry Katie has plans already this weekend so is unable to help. Unfair to try and persuade you to change your plans and no explanation should have been given as to what you had planned.

Festoonlights · 23/08/2022 12:31

I could not be dealing with a man that had so little backbone when it comes to his ex wife!

loulou9660 · 23/08/2022 17:37

We have had this scenario for years with my husband's ex.
Firstly with the daughters and now it continues with the grandson.
I think men, generally,struggle dealing with these sorts of scenarios and I'm sorry I didn't put my foot down at the start as it usually ends up with me being the bad egg and I hate arguments of any sort.
You are definitely not being unreasonable,stick to your guns and your special weekend.
As OP said, they share the childcare and he won't be there!

Kittycat37uk · 23/08/2022 17:40

Nope I would tell her straight am not pandering to her every whim and that if she's got a problem with that she can take that up with the child's father. Also if he wants u to pacify her everytime she wants free childcare because she threatens with him not seeing them she can't keep doing that and if she does how long are you meant to put up with it ?what until the child is old enough to do their own thing?that's just insanity put your foot down and do not under any circumstances cancel your mummy and son weekend

creamwitheverything · 23/08/2022 17:51

No not doing it,dont want to, not my problem...NO!
Have a lovely special weekend Op ,go off have fun as planned and fuck em all.It is not your problem.

Noodles1234 · 23/08/2022 17:57

They’re firstly her and your DP responsibility, yes there’s an element you too, but you’re way down the line in pecking order. If your DP is away then ok ask you, but if you’re busy then it’s a no.
It sounds a shame as maybe she finds it hard to find time to socialise, but that doesn’t mean you’re the person to pick everything up. I don’t think it’s right you should feel pressured. No apology required, just a no we are already busy with a packed out weekend.

Have a lovely well deserved weekend with your little one.

Zeeza · 23/08/2022 18:07

What will make you and your family happiest?

The ex sounds horrific. But she is unlikely to change. Your husband has another couple of years that he has to deal with her this closely. When they are teenagers they will be more independent. Then it will be easier.

Re the weekend, you have a choice. You can have a mummy day any Saturday and it will still be fun.

Or you can stick to your guns.

Either way nothing will really change in the long term. If you make her happy and give in she will be shitty again soon. If you don't give her want she wants she will be horrid for a bit and then return to the normal level of shittiness.

If you want to make a point and get a reaction, say no.

If you think your son would be ok postponing, and you don't mind her "winning" say yes.

You are not being unreasonable either way.

HowzAboutIt · 23/08/2022 18:07

@CrockOff Has he told her a firm NO?

I8toys · 23/08/2022 18:12

No and I'd tell your husband to grow a pair with her and not make you his childcare when he's not around.

RelaxTheCacks · 23/08/2022 18:20

Nope, you have promised your Son a Mammy weekend, You are busy.
Oh and have fun 😉

UWhatNow · 23/08/2022 18:29

The key to saying no is to, like a pp said, not care a jot if it make you unpopular. If someone wants to kick off because I won’t cross my boundaries for their tinpot dictator demands I don’t care. They can hate away. I won’t shout, apologise or negotiate - I can happily say no with a calm smile. Stick to your guns op. You have plans. The answer is no - and actually above all, the answer is not your problem.

OlderParents · 23/08/2022 18:31

Whenever we say no to something as well she usually starts with how it's all about our son now isn't it and so on and that she'll tell them we have said we don't want them.

It's not your problem tbh.

W00p · 23/08/2022 18:40

This stranger on the internet will be absolutely outraged if you concede. Don't you dare say yes.

Weirdlynormal · 23/08/2022 18:41

You are busy too. The End.

Lulusays · 23/08/2022 18:48

Do not change your plans under any circumstances. She’s taking the piss. If you change your plans around her she’ll then continue to take the piss. It’s not your responsibility, don’t feel bad and enjoy your weekend. She sounds like an utter bellend. She could get a babysitter like the rest of us who don’t have family to shunt kids onto at the last minute.

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