To have said no on this occasion?

[CrockOff]

Seems like I'm enemy number one at the moment with this but anyway..

DH is going away on Friday for the weekend with work. He doesn't travel with work that often but it's needed this weekend.

I'm actually really looking forward to it! We have a young son together who is 5 and my plan was to have some well needed down time together. I've booked the cinema Friday night and was going to take him shopping on the Saturday for some treats and go out for tea together. He's really looking forward to his "mummy weekend" as he calls it.

My husband and his ex share two DC who are 8 & 10.

She has been invited to a wedding on the Friday and has asked DH if he'll swap the weekend so she can go (it's a childfree wedding apparently). He originally said no then she asked me and I've said no sorry too.

This is where its hard. She's difficult sometimes. If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah. She usually comes around quite quickly so he doesn't go without seeing them for long but he'll go through a day or so of stress trying to reason with her.

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'. But I just don't want to. I hate that this woman can control my life like this and I'm just expected to meekly change my plans around hers whenever she snaps her fingers. She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...).

I'm aware my resentment on her is probably being a big driving force behind my refusal to help this weekend but I'm honestly sick of her. She thinks she is in control of everyone around her and we, even my son, are just expected to agree to whatever she wants.

I don't want to take DSC with us. I want this to be our weekend, they will change the entire time and as much as I do like them, I want to focus the time entirely on my son and spoil him a bit.

If she can't go to her wedding well frankly I really don't care!

Maybe if it was DHs weekend and he needed to go away for work then you could do it as a favour to him.

But no way should you be doing this when you already have plans (even if those plans involved lounging in your PJs all day).

She’s asked DH if he can do it - which is fair enough.
He is away and can’t do she needs to try and find a family member or babysitter or not go.

I think step parents should do things for their SDCs and their partners but they have no obligation to do anything for the SDCs parents.
It’s different if it was a hospital appointment or something.

Not your problem.
Hold firm, do not concede.
Worst case she will give your husband shit about it for a few days max then it will fade.
She's a CF.
Hold the line m'lady!

Except that it’s been apparent for some time before this that he does not have a reasonable ex. He’s got one that uses withdrawing contact as a weapon and is willing to emotionally abuse her own children to get her own way.

“If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah.“

“Whenever we say no to something as well she usually starts with how it's all about our son now isn't it and so on and that she'll tell them we have said we don't want them.”

So maybe he should have done something to prevent this, rather than just giving in because that’s the path of least resistance - for him.

Have you posted about this before OP. I seem to remember a similar thread where the DH said yes to his Ex without consulting the OP.

Just thinking it sounded similar but I think this is a different one. That poster stuck to her guns as I recall, wasn't that one something to do with the ex visiting the mother who had a brother she didn't want the child around?

Well I'm amazed - where are all the posts crying about the poor stepchildren, how you should of course take them with you OP!

No one hates step parents.

Its just something that is often said on threads when the opinions aren’t going the way they want.

Your husband needs to sort this.

What would he have done if they were still married and she had a wedding at the same time he was traveling? That’s his starting point.

Probably just appears to be so many DH's/DP out there that have forgotten they've split with their Ex's but still say "how high" when they ask them to jump.

Maybe a lesson to learn here is if you're about to marry someone that has DC and there's no formal CO in place to do some sort of pre-nup in regards to what is expected from the SP and what the SP is actually prepared to do.

I'm annoyed at your dh for accommodating her behaviour ...
He shouldn't be asking you to do that , who the hell does she think she is the queen of sheba?
If you said no, she should respect that and she shouldn't go behind your back and ask your dh to ask you to reconsider, that is beyond disrespectful
Your dh should say " you need to ask my wife, if she said no I can't help you, sorry"

If it were his scheduled contact weekend then you would be helping him out.

Ex needs to be told no - he has already prioritised his children by arranging to work on a non- contact weekend, so that he is there for contact on the scheduled weekend.

Ex needs to arrange a babysitter, or husband needs to reschedule work.

My ex partners childrens mother dropped their kids at my house and we weren't even together any more, she didn't even know if i was at home!
She also dropped her kids off at their grandparents house without asking! Just disgusting behaviour, I know not all exes are like that, I would never behave like that but some do act so entitled and stroppy, if she was threatening to withhold the kids like they are chess peices, I would tell her to crack on
I will never be disrespected like that again..

Do it once and you'll do it a thousand times. Just say no and get out of this silly routine where she's the boss.

Sounds exactly like the situation my friend is in, she wouldn't agree to him seeing the dc more often, on a regular basis (he wanted 50/50) as this would mean less cm, however when she wants him to change arrangements to fit in with her changing shifts, or wants a weekend away - all of a sudden he's a terrible dad, doesn't want to spend time with his dc, his new family are taking priority. It's so bad that his new wife is getting seriously pissed off, he may find himself divorced and not living with any of his dc.

"DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'."
His ex-wife is not your problem, she is his problem. And he needs to shoulder his own problem, not try and offload it onto you. Save him the stress? By stressing you? Fuck that for a game of soldiers! And 'do it for him'? How about he keeps his ex off your back? He should 'do it for you'!

"She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...)."
And by extension, so is he (happy to put on you). To 'save him the stress'.

Every time you concede, you are teaching her that kicking up a stink gets her what she wants. But you know that already. It's time for your husband to learn it.

Personally, I would give him a very hard time over this. It has to be more 'stress' for him to put on you than the 'stress' he gets from her. Make him reluctant to pull this stunt on you ever again. I suspect that is the only way he will stop outsourcing his 'stress' onto you.

Dh can tell her he won't work and will have the dc but her Cms will reflect that this month.

DH has started with the 'but they'll be no trouble' stuff. It's not the point.

It’s not the point at all. They come to spend time with their father. Not with you. And you are not there to be an unpaid babysitter for your DH’s ex wife. If your DH is happy to change his plans to have his children, that’s fair enough and as it should be. But you shouldn’t have to do so; it’s up to their mother to change hers as they’re her responsibility. In an emergency? That’s a bit different - but this really doesn’t count as anything close.

YANBU

If he is so worried about upsetting his ex, he can cancel his plans and look after his children himself.

I do often wonder at why these men are so busy being afraid of and appeasing their exes, when they stand to lose far more by upsetting their actual (current) wife and the mother of the child(ren) who properly live with him.

too busy worrying about the weeds in a neighbour’s garden to tend to his own. Sure, they might grow into his at some point, but they’re a much less important issue than the ones choking his own flower beds.

All the better, if it's not a member of her family having the party, she can ask a relative to mind her children

So her best friend invited to her wedding with 4 days notice - she really must think you were born yesterday to believe that

No. It really isn’t. Because they’re not married and they have a regular contact arrangement for the children.

So, if she needs him to take them during her contact time, she needs to accept that he may have other plans. Because his life is organised according to the contact schedule.

Nope. Her failure to arrange childcare is not your problem. You aren’t her friend. This isn’t a case of having them outside the usual schedule so they see their dad, this is simply free childcare. Nope.

Well if it's disappeared, aren't you pleased?

OP stick to your guns on this one, it'll be nice for the kids to see her family. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be alone with your child! He should be having them.
I'm sure you're the poster who keeps posting about your husband wanting you to have stepkids with you all the time. If so then the number of threads shows how big an issue it is for you. I don't think he'll change his mind on this.

No way would I be cancelling my plans to accommodate hers. You have things booked already. She can do what other parents do and either not go or arrange alternative childcare.