To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

"Your partner dying has been very hard for me too, you know."

😶

My mam would sit and stare out of the dining room window, sighing dramatically until me or my twin sister would ask her if she was OK. She'd wistfully say '29th of August, 1982.....sigh.....the day everything went wrong.' Thats my birthday. We mustve been about 11 when that started

MIL - previously living independently but with an awful quality of life - sleeping on a sofa because she couldn't get up the stairs, washing at the kitchen sink for the same reason, no company, and basically only us to care for her as her sister was isolating and my DH is an only child. Fell at New Year and spent a month in hospital and another month in a temporary care home recovering. We found sheltered accommodation with onsite carers, furnished her 2 bed flat from top to bottom brand new as all her own furniture was falling apart, including carpets, and curtains. She's housebound and was before. We have continued to visit every single day without fail, organise (and pay for) a hot meal to be delivered every day, make sure her bills are paid and she has nothing to worry about. A regular quote - "I want to move back to {old area}, find me a home there, I hate it here." When we ask what is the difference as she refuses to leave her flat for any reason, she says "I WILL KNOW I am there and not here."

I asked her to stop inserting herself into my marriage by criticising my husband and how he parented (he's a very good parent). She said I was making her suicidal (by not agreeing with her) and I asked her not to try to emotionally blackmail me. Her response was it wasn't emotional blackmail but if that was what I thought of her she might as well kill herself. 🤦

I was 16 and my mums boyfriend made a pass at me (he was younger I think around 30 my mum was 41)

conversation went like this

Me: mum boyfriend is horrible he tried to kiss me and when I told him no he tried again

My mum: Don’t be silly why would he do that

Me: I don’t know he is a creep (crying now)

My mum: don’t be so dramatic he was just trying to make me jealous

and yes she did stay with him because he made her happy 🙄 he moved on to someone younger a few years later

Still triggered but here’s another one, to show it’s not just to me.

She moved countries when she was younger and rarely called her parents or went back to visit. When her dad was dying, he decided to pull everyone back (my mum’s the eldest of six) for a big family do. My mum refused to go - apparently it was too short notice and she just couldn’t leave her self-employed job for three days. It was ridiculous the family expected her to. I went with my OH and it’s the first time I publicly went against her wishes. The emotional blackmail when she found out I was going was brutal.

When he died a few weeks later, we went over again for the funeral and when she got to her mum’s, with all her siblings there, many who had helped care for him through his long decline, her mum said, “your father couldn’t stop asking after you these last few weeks.”

My mum, in front of everyone? “Yes, well, I was always his favourite child.”

She wonders why she doesn’t have a relationship with her family.

"I know that boyfriend I bought home raped you a few times, but look at you now doing so well! It did you a favour, it made you stronger."

Word for word, what she said.

To my sister when she announced her first pregnancy: this is not good news.

This is definitely one of those “if you know, you know” threads isn’t it?!

One that springs to mind is my mother telling me since I was a child that I shouldn’t have children because she doesn’t like them. She would then “joke” that if I had one it had better be a girl and if it wasn’t she’d want nothing to do with me. When I did get pregnant (which I was terrified of telling her about because of years of these comments) and we found out that we were having a boy she told me that it was useful that I’d had Hyperemesis (I was so, so sick) because that would give me an excuse to abort him.

She briefly played the doting grandmother (all the while making “jokey” comments about how he’d better behave or they wouldn’t want to spend time with him) and then literally moved house without telling us or telling us where they’ve moved to after an argument when she told my DH that I was making up my chronic illness for attention. This was while I was in hospital and DH genuinely wasn’t sure he’d see me alive again.

I spent my entire life bending over backwards to please her and keep the peace and felt entirely responsible for her happiness. Now that she’s gone I feel so relieved and thankfully recognise that I’m not to blame for her behaviour. I think she probably expects every day that I might call or email but I won’t. There’s no way I could expose my DS to her any more. She’d just do it again when he was old enough to understand.

Bloody hell. Well done for surviving and congratulations on accessing counseling! They sound like utter arseholes.

Something happened that upset my 2 year old dd, caused by MiL (long story) and I told her how upset dd had been by it. MiL then said, 'well I was upset as well, you know!'

Not me. Eight years of NC and it's fabulous.

Thankfully I’ve been NC with mine since my teens so never got to experience her take on me as an adult or parent

but god, up until that point..!

her favourite was to sit with a cat on her lap when I was in the room and say ‘ahhh, lovely catname, you love me, don’t you. Not like horrible Spare. She doesn’t love me, she just uses me for anything she can take. Not like you, lovely catname. And that’s why you are so loved.’

i also remember her forcing me to enter the local music festival with my very mediocre piano playing (obviously forced to do lessons because otherwise what would people think of her having a daughter who couldn’t play the piano!)

i didn’t want to do it but there was no arguing with her, so my piano teacher compromised on us doing a duet

afterwards, she told me how embarrassed she was seeing me there attention seeking and making a fool of myself, and everyone else in the audience was cringing at me. Apparently I was elbowing my teacher out of the way to give myself more… I don’t know, attention?

after that event, it became her ‘thing’

Sports day - I was elbowing others out of the way to get more attention.
Carol concert, everyone noticed me trying to elbow my way to the front
Brownies badge giving - everyone commented on how I was the only one elbowing others out of the way

absolutely fixated… and I’m a bit of an introvert so not likely to have sought out attention

You shouldn't have children, for someone else to look after them ...

Gee thanks, if you could plant that money tree just by my banged up Nisan please

Mine doesn't get me presents but I am expected to get her big ones (eg expensive perfume and hotel Vouchers) think this Christmas it will be a smaller meal voucher and flowers for her birthday (she won't be getting thoughtful things but I can't get nothing as she will throw a tantrum)

I actuat cannot deal with her at the moment.

OMG, reading all these and realising I'm not the only one with a mother like this!

I actually thought of two more....

My wedding was biggest source of stress all because of her. There were so many arguments because she didnt like things we decided to do or how we were doing things (she did not pay towards it)

When allocating rooms for the hotel at the wedding she demanded where she wanted to be and who could and couldnt have rooms near her (my parents divorced, didnt want to be near my dad or his family and didnt really want to be near dh family as she didnt like them)

I tried to explain id do what i could be i had to be logical (she wanted a room that was for 3 people in the middle of the hotel around everyone else) we had a huge row but for once i did the logical thing but also tried to accommodate her wishes (she had a nice room next to my brother and my bridesmaids who she liked away from everyone else).

On the morning of the wedding she kicked off because she didnt get the room she wanted and didnt like her room. To shut her up because i didnt want to stress i gave her the bridal suite and we went into a room that was shit.

The other one was she picked a dress that was the exact same colours as the bridesmaids dresses, i told her this but she was adamant she was wearing this colour. I decided it was a hill i didnt want to die on so let her do her thing. Again on the morning of the wedding she saw the dresses and said "i didnt realise they were the exact same colour, im going to look stupid now you should have told me" 🤨
Erm i did and you didnt listen, so we spent a while trying to convince her it would be fine and there was nothing to worry about 🤦🏼‍♀️

Grandmother rather than mum:
"You chose to be a single mum, so you shouldn't get any help. You need to learn to do it all yourself."

I am a single mum because I fled DV. The help I needed was some DIY, like the normal stuff that even couples might get a workman in to do.

She also berated my best friend for not having kids and telling her she's past it (she's 30 and is struggling with infertility), and when this was pointed out to her, she just rolled her eyes and side she wasn't "doing it right".

When I left exh and explained he hit me, she told me it was probably my fault and and "what did you do?".

I was crying and finally opened up about my mother never being proud of me or telling me that she was proud , the answer was : " what am I supposed to be proud of?"

Also..
When she said she wont be coming to the hospotal when I give birth because she doesnt want to see the baby (her first grandchild) being all sticky and slimy .... so she can come another time once its clean...😪🙈

And....

Me and DH told her about the pregnancy, she wasn't happy and told me it is because we havent oficially announced it over the dinner party like a "proper couple" would do .

"No-one will ever love you because of the way you are."

I was 18. Cue forty years of abusive relationships because in my mind I had to be grateful for any male interest.

She also pronounced me to be 'cruel' for trying to help and support her after my enabling DF died. There was no acknowledgement of my feelings at all.

I’m so sorry this has cracked me up laughing. This is my mum! She’s not as unique as she likes to think after all!

Why do you bother?

My mam has had her moments. On our wedding day my mil and sil were dancing and pulled me in to it.
This caused my mam to leave the reception and go home because I had not danced with her. Despite her having not left her chair the entire evening. One of the most vivid memories I have of my wedding day is shouting after them and watching them drive off. I sat on the deck on the beach qnd tried not to cry.

'The problem with you is that you sen to think you are at the centre of your universe and I'm just floating around on the periphery.'

I guess she feels she should be the centre of my universe...😳🤪

A while ago there was a thread about unkind and insensitive things said by friends, and I commented that it was the most upsetting thread I've ever read here.

Having read this one, I'd like to amend that earlier comment.