To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

@Etive @JohnPrescottsPyjamas @sleepismyhobby It’s refreshing to see others who felt the same as I did when my Narc Mother died earlier this year. The huge weight of her dark clouds lifted for the first time in my life - I’m like a new person now I’m not waiting for the next fit of rage or ire.

Definitely one of her unbeatable lines was “I am so disappointed that you’ve shown me up and haven’t made your wedding day more about me. I’m the most important person here, I’m the mother of the bride. Just you wait until he leaves you just like your father did to me, then you’ll have to come crawling back”

Another two that stick very clearly in my mind are “Your cousin X is the daughter I wanted and never had, not you” and “I only had you to keep your father, you failed at that, so what use are you to me now?”

@Etive I get that, really relate. I have obsessed over comments I made that could have hurt. After work, a colleague was dropping off some other colleagues at a pub and I said "room for a little one" and squeezed in. One of my other colleagues who walked down to the work do is obese and I tore myself up over that comment all weekend. The fear of offending means we're not the same as our mothers. If I hurt somebody, I'd want to let them know how sorry I was. Its impossible to NEVER hurt anybody. I wouldn't say "you're sensitive" though. Unlike my mother I get that having a hurt reaction to a comment that hurt is not the problem.

My mother isn't dramatic, she is just wounded by me and calmly labelling me insane through her pain.... she is Stoic in her hurt, but always the victim of me. Her feelings get to be hurt. My feelings can never be hurt though.

That's how mine behaved too. It's taken me a long time to accept that I'm allowed to have feelings too.

When my father died a man she divorced over 30 years before, called to the lowest and never let him attend any special occasion when she was told said "I didn't think this would effect me as much as it has" and when she was told she wasn't to attend his funeral cause he didn't want her there called him and us to the lowest! We were selfish she might of wanted to go!

We didn't tell Mum when daddy died they'd been divorced for years. It was his wish she wasn't there. Three months later she found out. Went mad demanding to know how much money he'd left her 🙈

Oh no thats shocking!

My DF and subsequently my step father both died of cancer. My mother was a witch to both of them and even more so when they became ill as they became a burden and an inconvenience to her. She screamed and shouted at my dad telling him how tough it was for her caring for him and did pretty much the same to my SF. Despite carers being put in place, she kicked off majorly until they were taken into hospital and exploited the friendship of a friend of a friend who was a manager at a hospice to get my SF taken in earlier than was necessary.

However, at both of their funerals, she played the part of the devastated widow to perfection. When my dad’s hearse arrived at the house, she ‘fainted’ in order to add to the drama and gain sympathy. Her ‘faint’ was a gentle fall back into the arms of those standing behind her with her hand across her forehead, a bit like you’d see in a film.

At my SF’s funeral, she wailed like a banshee. I knew people were thinking how cold I was that I didn’t even put my arm around her to comfort her, but I couldn’t because I knew it was all part of the play acting. When he was in the hospice dying, she was out choosing an expensive outfit and hat to wear to the funeral. Several of her friends approached me at the wake afterwards and told me how much she would now need my support and love. I didn’t reply because I knew if I opened my mouth the truth would come out and I felt it wasn’t the time or the place to give it to them between the eyes.

I wish I’d had a lovely Mam. I am now trying to be exactly that for my daughters (who I always feared having because of what I’d gone through) but they are the best, and it’s also therapy in real time. It hurts that my mother loves to play the adoring grandmother while still treating me with contempt, but thank god I now see her fir what she is, and I can share a laugh with my husband about her manipulative behaviour rather than being crucified my it like I used to. Her loss. Her massive massive loss.

My teen daughters now see her for what she is. Which is sad because I want them to have a good relationship with their grandma. But she is who she is.

God, this resonates with me.
How much lip-biting do we have to do

@WelshMoth the lip biting is another common denominator on here. Parents have slagged us off to family, friends, random strangers forever. Sometimes the curious/nosy asked me "how's your Mum". Very well thanks. I'll pass on your good wishes blah blah.

Never have I said the evil ol'. bitch, mad woman, can rot in hell for her cruelty. We must confuse them no end

When my DD was staying with my mum overnight while I was working. My DD found out her boyfriend had cheated on her with her best friend. She took an overdose of my mum's anti-depressants.
My mum called me at work to tell me (never called an ambulance) and then said
"I mean what am I going to do now. I had only just got that prescription and now I, 'll have to go back to the doctor and get another one".
That was the day my eyes opened to her behavior and I started noticing more and more how everything centered on her.

I've just thought up my fantasy response for my mother's funeral: "with all due respect, I don't think you knew her as well as I did"
I'm sure I won't be brave enough to say it when it comes round though

I've only posted occasionally on here, but I have found this thread to be so supportive and helpful. I think you are all amazing, despite all you've had to endure.

Once the number of pages on this thread hits 40, that's its maximum and it will be closed to new posts. Would anyone object to a new, second thread on the same theme? I think it would be helpful to continue the support and solidarity, for regular and new posters, and for those who just lurk and read but still draw comfort from it. What do you think? Happy to create it but don't want to make assumptions.

Best wishes to all. xx

Reading these posts, so many describe my mum.
Most of the family keeps her at a distance, and people can't understand why, but she is charm personified with someone new (but slags them off behind their back soon as they leave)
She does stuff like knitting random items for neighbours children she hasn't met then moans that they weren't grateful enough. Everything is about her.
She broadcasts as well. Our family calls it 'talking at you It's impossible to have a conversation with her because if you disagree with her take on something (and she is VERY opinionated) she takes it as a personal criticism of her.
If you try and have a conversation with someone else she immediately derails it into something about her.
She plays games all the time. "Oh don't get me anything for my birthday" then moans about the value of any presents she does get. I don't think I have ever seen her happy about a gift.
She expects to sit in her house and everyone flocks to visit her, moans about not seeing her grandchildren but makes no effort to contact them or enquire about their life. Keeps score of who phoned who last, and refuses to contact people if they didn't respond to her last message etc
If she wasn't my mother she certainly wouldn't be someone who I would willingly spend time with, shes not a pleasant person to be around, shes negative and bitter with her family, but all smiles and 'cant do enough for you' if she has only just met you.

It’s a definite yes please from me - thank you so much. ☺️

I’m very, very conscious that I’ve hogged the limelight a lot on this thread and gone on and on about my own experiences, but to offload and to read how similar others stories are too, helps me come to terms with how bizarre my upbringing really was. The relief of knowing others know exactly what I mean without me having to paint a long and complicated back story is very liberating too. Those who had a ‘normal’ parent/child relationship would probably find it very hard to understand the intricate spiders web of manipulation, gaslighting and deviousness of an NPD relative.

01 yea please that would be great thank you

Another thread would be a positive thing I think. I know I escaped but others haven't so a hand hold is needed. Frankly I'm ashamed that mother's my age and younger are still pulling this crap.

01, yes please. I'm trying to build up the courage to get some therapy and all of these "oh, that too" moments are helping

Thank you! 🌷Here is a link to the new thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4637853-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers-support-for-their-victims-thread-2

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas I don't think you've hogged any limelight at all. Every single one of your posts has been supportive, wise and an encouragement to many. I am grateful for you for sharing your experiences and for your words. Exactly as you say - the relief of hearing from people who know what it's like and to understand that "it wasn't only me" is inestimable. Thank you for your understanding and helpful posts. x

Best wishes to you all. x

@reesewithoutaspoon (love your user name). I know what you mean. Sometimes I have the image in my mind of a big old spider sitting in the middle of a vast web. All sorts of nonsense threads are spun out to entice people in, but then once they approach the centre they are pounced on and devoured. But the spider never ventures far from the centre of the web. Probably if they did then the threads might break.

Everyone has to bow and pay homage, but only on her terms.

Like many on here, I frequently get "oh, she's so lovely, you're so lucky to have her, etc.". I don't say anything. I know if all these people stepped away from or operated outside what was deemed "acceptable" (i.e. outside of church) they would be cut down without mercy or pity.

Love the spider analogy, very accurate, complete with traps set to make you look bad to other people as an added bonus.

Nodding to the traps.
My mother -is a covert narcissist, behaving like a 5 year old -or victim for supply.
She had covid a couple of months ago and she is elderly so her energy levels are still low and she needs to sleep a lot.
She felt dizzy recently and complaining of no energy, I pointed out she had been out with friends for 10 days in a row. She lives with me- I see how tired she gets- sleeping through meals, too tired to eat etc. (she is very slim and lost a lot of weight through covid)

It is fantastic that she sees her friends, and in fact -I have arranged regular- day centres, take her to church etc.- she is in her 80s.
So I suggested to her ( always a big mistake, I need to learn) that she may feel better building in some rest days into her busy schedule and plan ahead so she doesn't accept too many invites in a week. She agreed that was a good idea.
So I now here on the phone speaking to friends them that she "wasn't allowed" to go out anymore, and that she would need my "permission" to accept a lunch invitation.
I was mortified that she is casting me as her jailer.
I questioned her and she said " well you told me I am not allowed out anymore".
No I suggested she may feel better having rest periods.
So now when friends come to pick her up they glare at me.
It is just horrible.
I feel undervalued. I care for two adult family members.
My mother has a carefree life. She lives in a warm home, no worries about bills or food. engaged in family life, support -when she needs it.
I don't grudge her any of that, but it feels awful being cast as some tyrannical monster when I am trying to help her have as independant a life for as long as3 she can.
Lesson learned.