To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

Just to add the comments to her friends on the phone were not humour or sarcasm- not my mother's style. She doesn't do irony or sarcasm.

Just another trap I now know and manage to wriggle out of-
If my mother is getting ready to go out she will ask me if it is hot or cold, dry or rainy so she can select a comfortable jacket.
In the past I would say " it's quite mild today" or "there is a bit of a cold wind" or "just a small chance of rain.

Some hours later she would return with a histrionic performance of hyper or hypothermia, soaked to the bone or dehydrated because it is so hot.
And it was me that said it was cold/mild/dry, and because of me she will probably get a cold, die of heatstroke, and that is my fault because she only took a thin jacket/wore a jumper- on my advice.
So if she asks now I will look it up say " it is 13 degrees outside at the moment".
If she asks if it will rain I will let her watch the BBC weather forecast on my laptop. That way she can make up her own mind.
It is exhausting!

"You'll regret this when I die!" Over some insignificant thing.

You are an absolute saint. My mother is also a narcissist. I struggle to improve my relationship with her , knowing from past experience how pointless or is. Things seem to be going well. Until suddenly she will make a really hurtful remark out of nowhere. Or imply I have ulterior motives.
What makes me angry is how these people go through life shitting on others and pleasing themselves, and just seem to get away with it. Your mother doesn’t deserve your care @speakout . You do it anyway because you’re a good person. I try to help my elderly mother even though she has never done a thing for me in her life. In return I am just knifed in the back.
I can’t understand why they do it.

I think some part of them is still a child, and needs attention and validation like a child. Perhaps because they missed out on attention when they were young. My mother is still an 8 year old emotionally.

Ironically I know two one my mother who was spoilt rotten ditto MIL. as children yet their sisters are the sweetest ladies. But I agree with you that they're stunted emotionally a child's mind in an adults body.

I do wonder what short circuits their brains. Maybe one day there will be a diagnosis that makes sense. Export to something in utero perhaps

Exposure not export 🙄

I think it can be a result of a very spoiled,
indulged childhood where they were never held to account or taught about empathy. It can also be the result of neglect and not having needs met. There is some discussion that there might be a genetic element too.

I agree- there can be many factors.
Generational wounds are passed down over the years like a hot potato until someone is courageous enough to deal with it
I can trace maladaptive behaviour back to my grandmother who grew up in care.
My mother hasn't grown up.
Gone from her parents house to her married home- used to even call my father "daddy".
Not dealing with any family challenges- even when my 14 year old sister left home to live with her boyfriend. Our mother was unable to deal with the situation.
She even calls herself a "little girl". On occasion I have been with her to visit her GP she will ask the doctor " have I been a good little gir?" or " do I get a gold star doctor?*".
Quite nauseating to watch a grown woman behave in this way.

This is my mother. Overindulged by immigrant parents who wanted her to have the best of everything having worked so incredibly hard to be in a position to provide it

Her brother is spoilt but not awful

As grandparents, they were absolutely wonderful to us, and we saw first hand the emotional batterings they took from her so I know there was absolutely no abuse or neglect from them as parents

But the grandiose ideas and self importance seemed to be there by her teenage years from what other family members have said over the years

One of the things I struggle to get my head around is the complete lack of awareness of the narcissist. They seem to have absolutely no ability for self reflection, ideas about personal growth or working through unhelpful thought processes is an alien concept to them.
They are quite stuck, they wouldn't know how to move, but they will never have a need for personal growth because they think they are right. Always.

That’s quite a powerful account you give there
speakout. You seem to have stepped into the parent role with your mother, which is quite tough if you yourself haven’t been adequately parented. Somehow you have found the strength and courage to change the family pattern. That isn’t easy. I am very interested in complex family trauma and how it is passed down through the generations.

Its difficult dealing with these mothers with arrested development. I feel compassion and empathy for my mother,
but also so much personal pain and anger.

My younger sister is narcisstic. She was the spoilt golden child and I was the scapegoat. She was brought up to think she could do no wrong and was absolutely wonderful. She’s gone through life thinking she is a really special unique person .
Life has disappointed her because she expected everything to fall into her lap and it didn’t.

So true.

SilverLiningPlaybook I admire the fact you have so much compassion and empathy for your mother.
I have to remind myself on a daily basis that my mother has been damaged by generational wounds too.
I feel let down by the fact she wouldn't, couldn't- lacked fortitude or awareness leaving me to be parentified at a very early age. My mother gave up when my sister left home, and by 12 I was making decisions for my terminally ill father and holding things together while my mother ducked out of family responsibilities.
This left me with codependancy issues, poor self esteem, making unwise choices in my early adult life, because I was not taught the skills needed.
It has been a painful journey, it feels as if I have had to do the growing up for two people. I do feel resentful that she refused to even tackle a little of the motherwound.
I have no respect for her, she has no interest in my life at any deep level. I keep her safe, fed, and support her to have a social life of her own, but we are strangers. I have stopped even trying a long time ago.

Thank you speakout but I think the compassion
and empathy is very worn down. I feel like you. I don’t like my mother and have no respect for her. I could never do what you are doing. It takes a lot of energy to have someone living with you who has let you down so badly. We are strangers too.
I suggested we go for joint counselling recently. To my surprise she agreed. The therapist stopped the sessions after three had taken place. She said my mother was incapable of changing or having any insight into her behaviour. That left me feeling pretty devastated because it was a last chance attempt to fix things before she dies. She’s 85. Afterwards, my mother spoke about in terms which suggested it was me that needed help, not her.
I just keep away as much as I can now and dread any interaction. I do feel very guilty about it though. She’s ingrained in me the belief that there is something wrong with me.

My mother also gave up when we were teenagers. She stopped cooking meals ( such as they had been. She can’t cook), and just left us to get on with it. I remember her frequently shouting at us that she wished we would just leave home and leave her in peace.

That must have been incredibly tough for you to cope at such a young age with an ill father and an incompetent mother. In your case your grandmother hadn’t mothered your mother. In my mothers case she was sent to boarding school at long way from home very young, and it really damaged her.

There's a second thread which is newer that the OP posted a link to

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4637853-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers-support-for-their-victims-thread-2

You can see why i question where my place is purpledaisy Lol. X:-/

Me “I’ve put on weight”
DM “oh, I’ve gone down a belt size, look”…..shows me said belt!
Me - walks through the door
DM “god, you’ve put on weight, are you pregnant”
Me “I feel fat”
DM - buys me packets of sweets
Me “I really want to cut down on the drinking”
DM - comes home with two bottles of wine.

I held up a dress to show my mum, she gestured " fat belly" with a scrunched up face. NOT even on her fucking death bed could she be nice

Yes 100% this!

I feel guilty even thinking about posting about my mother.

She’s so quick to criticize or comment and whenever I call her out on it, she always turns it around on me and then I feel like I get gaslighted into seeing things from her perspective and that I am in the wrong.

Lol 😂🤣😂🤣😂😂😂

Exactly the same...If I don't do as she wants or dare to argue a point I get sent to Coventry....it's so hard

God here are a few from my mum:

Me mentioning I'm really stressed from dealing with a house move, full time job and some personal stuff.
Mum: "Yes well there's many different types of stress isn't there?"
And then she proceeded to start crying and then being incoherent explaining a situation where she was unable to leave the house, without being in fear of being killed. Still not been able to get into the details of that.

Mum: You don't want children. It's not worth it.

Mum: You don't don't understand or suffer from mental health issues ( I do) you work.

Mum: women who play football are trying to be men.