Childcare fallen through so can’t make DB’s child free wedding

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

My brother lives 350 miles away and is getting married tomorrow. Children aren’t invited - it’s been a nightmare trying to organise childcare for 3 full days (have to stay at least 2 nights because of distance) for my 2 kids in the summer holidays but we roped in BIL and SIL who thankfully had the days free and veryl kindly agreed to have them.

BIL found out yesterday that he has COVID! So we not can’t send them. He’s quite unwell with it as well apparently.

I told my brother today that we can’t come as we just cannot find anyone else at short notice to look after the kids for 2 nights. It’s a big ask of anyone!

He’s really pissed off with me and has asked if I can send them anyway as isolation rules etc are essentially redundant now. I’ve said no I’m it asking them to do that. Especially because we go on holiday next week and don’t want the kids taking COVID to Turkey with them. Was IBU to say no? I think if you ask people to make a 700 mile round trip for their wedding without their kids being invited you risk things falling through and this happening

So why did she arrange childcare so that she could, you know, go?

See above, she does want to go but not at any (ridiculous) cost.

And sorry but ‘back up childcare’?! How many people have one option to leave two small kids for three days, never mind two?!

I hope the heatwave continues to affect MN in this way, it’s very entertaining!

She has been perfectly clear - she wants to go, but not enough to spend hundreds of pounds and days of her time on travel, or put her partner and kids through a miserable few days of travel for a wedding they’re not invited to.

Yes, so she doesn't want to go. We can take it as read she did before all these obstacles came up.

OP - your Groom-DB sounds like a bit of a knob. Had i been in his shoes, wanting you to come to my wedding - I'd have said "bring the kids, it's an emergency"

But hey ho. Sack it off and put it down to experience.

Georgiana - that’s the nicest compliment I’ve ever had (see my username!)

None of has control over Covid. You arranged childcare and now it’s fallen through DB has to accept that.

When has she said she DIDN'T want to go??? Quote it for me please

Yanbu. Your brother selfishly insists on having a childfree wedding, this is what he gets 🤷‍♀️

What he ought to be saying is that he’ll make an exception for his niece/nephew.

Don’t go.

Well no one really wants to go to a wedding do they? It's boring as fuck. If it's close by and convenient then you just have to suck it up and go, but if it means traveling a fair dustance, childcare, taxis, going on you're own then no way, piss off.

The only wedding that anyone should feel obliged to attend is their own.

I bet if your children were allowed to go you'd still find an reason not to go.

Excuse after excuse after excuse OP!!

How long has this been planned? You probably had enough time to get everything covered in someway should child care fall through.

Hotels are pretty accommodating in these situations and they usually have put up beds and cots spare.

I reckon you've just left it all lastminute.com !!

I did see your username and presumed you are a fellow Austen fan. :)

i don't think it's selfish to have a childfree wedding. I think it's knobbish to see his sister that he dearly wants to be there, and not offer the easiest solution of "bring the kids"

If groom brother had extended a wedding invitation to other brother then I would have asked other brother to postpone the plans he has this weekend - and I really think other brother would have done so. But I’m not asking unless it’s offered

Tbf the option of taking a train (which isn’t as expensive as OP thought and isn’t affected by strikes) and time to take it isn’t likely much more costly than 700 miles of petrol and time 12 hours of driving there and back again. The wedding party just then need to arrange someone to pick her up. If they are that keen for her to go they can sort it.

• You reap what you sow. I’d be telling the brother that I couldn’t go and he will have to lump it. Why do people act like such ridiculous divas around weddings. I only have family children but anyone who would actually have not been able to come was very welcome to bring their kids.

My family comes first and I wouldn’t ask my kids to have a miserable couple of days all to accommodate the brother when he’s too unkind to even welcome his niece/nephews to his wedding*

This, with wedding bells on. I think child free weddings are bloody ridiculous anyway but in this situation, it's crazy that he's not just said bring them anyway.

This thread is mental 🤣

Of course it's fine not to attend under the circumstances. Send them a message for the best man to read at the speeches and a present when they're back from honeymoon. If he cries about it then boo hoo, cry me a river, mate.

When did I imply that?!

Also what buses have you seen from the place where you don’t know I live?

Id never exclude a niece or nephew from a wedding so trust me my kids know family is important.

Also I’m not sure moving mountains will help - any ACTUAL suggestions?

So why did she arrange childcare so that she could, you know, go?

Because she was originally going. She then got a reason not to, and was happy not to run with that, rather than find a solution. Totally understandable. However, paying lip service to grabbling with the options, and watching posters get jumped on for daring to suggest ways to help, rather than just say 'it's cool, I wasn't bothered anyway,' has made the thread way more drama than it should have been.

So, if wedding is before or lunchtime ish most people won’t want to travel there on the day. It means sitting in a car for hours in all your finery getting crumpled and (currently) hot and a bit wilted, an early start, a potential for arriving late due to traffic issues. So, I went to a relatives wedding 300 miles away a few months ago. Got 80 miles into my journey and then hit a motorway stop on A1M when whole road was closed . I sat in car for 4 hours going no where- couldn’t get off road to find alternate route. I was travelling day before because of that risk so could stay quite relaxed about it.

then unless you’re not drinking and the wedding has no evening do, it will be too late/too drunk to drive home

therefore 2 nights is right.

• happy to run with that

I do think he’d have come with me - though can’t be 100% certain as didn’t have the opportunity to ask him.

You choose a child free wedding in a rural location and you get what you get.

Always going to be a risk that people won't make it for logistic or childcare reasons. Or both.

I wouldn't attempt a 350 mile journey on public transport to the Highlands in the middle of rail disruption. I wouldn't be leaving kids of 9 and 5 with total strangers. Basically, I wouldn't be going and I would feel no guilt.

Really don't know when the expectation started that people should crawl over broken glass to attend a wedding, especially as childfree ones always run the risk of this kind of thing happening.

*grappling. ffs.

Also I’m not sure moving mountains will help - any ACTUAL suggestions?

Stop finding excuses. Move those blasted highlands out of way, build a motorway to get there and then - as you can't drive - hire an UBER to the wedding.

Simples.

This one will 100% end up in the papers OP! Fwiw, those suggesting you ask your other brother to care for your kids while you go to a wedding he’s been excluded from are clearly mad, those suggesting you spend hundreds of pounds on top of what you’ve already spending to get there (or not, given the joys of public transport), and those who suggest you get up at dawn and leave at the speeches (with no suggestion about what you do with the children all day) are also mad. It’s shit that your BIL has covid but that’s the risk you take if you arrange a child-free wedding. I’d suggest to DB the whole family come to visit him and his new wife and toast their marriage some other time!