Childcare fallen through so can’t make DB’s child free wedding

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

My brother lives 350 miles away and is getting married tomorrow. Children aren’t invited - it’s been a nightmare trying to organise childcare for 3 full days (have to stay at least 2 nights because of distance) for my 2 kids in the summer holidays but we roped in BIL and SIL who thankfully had the days free and veryl kindly agreed to have them.

BIL found out yesterday that he has COVID! So we not can’t send them. He’s quite unwell with it as well apparently.

I told my brother today that we can’t come as we just cannot find anyone else at short notice to look after the kids for 2 nights. It’s a big ask of anyone!

He’s really pissed off with me and has asked if I can send them anyway as isolation rules etc are essentially redundant now. I’ve said no I’m it asking them to do that. Especially because we go on holiday next week and don’t want the kids taking COVID to Turkey with them. Was IBU to say no? I think if you ask people to make a 700 mile round trip for their wedding without their kids being invited you risk things falling through and this happening

@SaltandPepper22 why can't he make changes , surely he can move heaven and earth to do so ?

Admittedly, I don't know how the highlands "work" cuz I've never been.
So thanks to all of you for letting me know that there's absolutely no way that OP can get accommodation for her family around the vicinity of the wedding.

There's an answer for everything. You win OP.

You’ve done your best, OP. The train strikes coupled with the location and the child care problems would be an obstacle too far for me. If people want a child free wedding they need to factor in drop outs. Scotland’s lovely but even the more populated bits can be a monkey to get to without a car. And getting extra accommodation at short notice isn’t easy at the mo.

Also I don’t know what rail strikes mean for that line. I got caught out by strikes in June, and was stranded in Preston when I was supposed to be at a conference!

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet

you’re being really precious about not separating the kids for a couple of days. they don’t fare well together apart…

What’s that all about?!

There will be loads of times in their childhood when they’ll not be together.

And that’s a good thing - you don’t want them to have a co dependant relationship

@Mrsphilmiller quite valid excuses
£300 isn't pocket change but only on mumsnet could people not grasp that

Can't you lease a private jet?

It's your brother after all.

@stuntbubbles

Aye do that. If you want to be a judgy twat

Why have you asked if it's unreasonable for you to have said no to going to your brother's wedding if it's impossible for you to do so?

No, clearly you don’t know.

OP, other posters are right, you are coming up with excuses not to go.

But you don’t need to. Childcare falling through is enough. In your shoes, I wouldn’t bust a gut to go either.

Sometimes there just isn't a solution to a problem. How have you not learned that yet?

@Notonthestairs Another actual solution: older brother is free that weekend (as he said he could drive OP &attend) so he can stay with the 5&9 year old children while OP & her DH (who have both been invited) attend as original guests?

= Acceptable solution for groom.

OP surely this would work or is there another reason why this is unacceptable to you?

Another one who is amazed at the battering you’re getting. Of course it’s fine for him to want a child free wedding but come on, expecting his sister to find several nights childcare for his own young nieces and nephews to attend?

He’s not being ludicrously unreasonable, but he is being slightly unreasonable. It’s a big ask, and without easy childcare to slot into place, it’s not simple for the OP to attend. And she’s definitely not unreasonable to not ask people who are ill to look after her DC, or to not suddenly split them up and hope friends are just magically free for a few days and willing to have DC at such short notice, or to not drop hundreds she possibly doesn’t have on unexpected travel, nor to risk a big family holiday by someone getting COVID.

OP, it’s not great but it is what it is. You’re hardly declining to go to an evening reception 2 miles away because someone has a snotty nose. It was always difficult to get to, and now you’ve lost your childcare, it’s almost impossible to get to.

I think agree with many pp, OP. I don't think you really want to go. It's miles away, a hassle, and you're off on holiday soon. Frankly, I'd feel exactly the same. I'm not really sure what the thread's for though, tbh.

It's worded to try to find a solution, which people have tried to do, with good hearts, trying to get you to DB's wedding, but I think - if you're brutally honest - that you're not exactly gutted that you've lucked in with a reason not to go!

IL are in a town with no hotel - used to be room you could get above on of the pubs but no longer. So last time we looked for a airbed or something - nearest was two towns over.

We went away this month big city loads of hotels - couldn't get two rooms big enough for all five of us - ended up with a house further out than ideal.

OP is looking at highland in August so may well be nothing to book not even a airbed - besides which she doesn't want to pay out more money and spend all that time and money then be away from her kids and DP for weekend.

Trains are odd though - I grew up in midlands in a village with poor bus service and with wider family living in biggest town without a train station - moved south for work and found in that area even some villages had train stations. DH lived in London for a bit and he said many were completely unaware how good the public transport system actually was compared to most of the rest of the country.

@IfOn well yes is an answer isn't there as its the highlands and august in uk and school hols so many places will be fully booked regardless of location .
The OP has given her brother option as well
Its just one of those things , they can't make it
The two friends he suggested babysit can now take OP and dh place so he doesn't have to be out of pocket as must be good friends as he suggested them as babysitters

@Becky6758 she's not making excuses, she's responding to suggestions! And db offer of childcare was to send them to the family with covid who have already said they can't do it!!

Op

I will take a punt

you do not get on well with your brother and there is history

I’d say it is the brother, who doesn’t get along terribly with op… and not at all with his other brother.

I am the scapegoat sister op. I can well imagine this brother could be the one, who bullied your other brother as he’s now attempting to bully you. Your childcare has fallen through and you have no means of getting there alone.

If your brother wants you there that much, compromises from his side need to be made. A) The children come and attend the wedding and they squeeze on the floor (I’m thinking borrowing/ taking some lounger cushions and sleeping bags, which I would do only if the b&g will allow them to attend the wedding). B) Allow your other db to attend, which is a no go. Or C) The b&g pay for additional travel costs for you to attend.

I would put the above to him again stating that you’ve exhausted all possibilities and much as you wish to attend, you cannot unless the couple are willing to compromise.

YANBU. Why didn't he invite his niece/nephews. His fault. I will never understand this child free wedding thing.

I recently got married. My sister couldn't come and you know what, it's only a fucking wedding. Special for us, and maybe the mothers but for everyone else, a nice day out like many they've had before.

BIL videoed the key bits, and we facetimed her on the morning and she at her end had a bottle of bubbly to drink with us.

I missed her on the day but I fully understood that making that really journey with two toddlers and luggage, and a DH who had a recent operation and would be unable to help her with the human and non human baggage, and it also meant coming alone and leaving them with their dad wasn't an option.

We also understood that because of covid, people might drop out at the last moment - but again, nothing you can do about that.

You can't go. It's unfortunate but that's what happens sometimes. If he takes the hump that you can't come, that's his problem, not yours.

And this is exactly why people won’t use trains.
i looked at getting the sleeper up to the highlands when the kids were little as part of the adventure.
was over £500. I got flights for £30 each return.

i didn’t want to fly

And nearest hotel that has a family room is £700 for 2 nights 😨 but then again it’s summer holiday and it’s last miniute

Have you thought about driving the train? Come on, no excuses now!

Can you imagine being the brother asked to mind the children so DSis can go to the wedding he's not invited to?

That would be a long AIBU 😆