Childcare fallen through so can’t make DB’s child free wedding

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

My brother lives 350 miles away and is getting married tomorrow. Children aren’t invited - it’s been a nightmare trying to organise childcare for 3 full days (have to stay at least 2 nights because of distance) for my 2 kids in the summer holidays but we roped in BIL and SIL who thankfully had the days free and veryl kindly agreed to have them.

BIL found out yesterday that he has COVID! So we not can’t send them. He’s quite unwell with it as well apparently.

I told my brother today that we can’t come as we just cannot find anyone else at short notice to look after the kids for 2 nights. It’s a big ask of anyone!

He’s really pissed off with me and has asked if I can send them anyway as isolation rules etc are essentially redundant now. I’ve said no I’m it asking them to do that. Especially because we go on holiday next week and don’t want the kids taking COVID to Turkey with them. Was IBU to say no? I think if you ask people to make a 700 mile round trip for their wedding without their kids being invited you risk things falling through and this happening

No I will not, for any reason ever, leave my kids with strangers (in a non childcare/school setting obvs) for even 10 minutes.

I can’t afford the £1,000 it would cost to get a plane and taxi with 2 overnight stays in Ireland.

Theres a difference between having friends and family to lean on and having friends and family who would look after my kids for 3 days with 2 hours notice.

Not sure what you mean about splitting it he kids - I don’t have ONE person to look after them let alone 2.

Knowing my luck I’d end up in Russia like Mr Bean anyway 😂

If the marrying DB wants his sister there he has 2 options, allow the 2 children to come (although accommodation maybe tricky) or let his DB come who can then bring OP with him.

He is not willing to do either, so don’t see why OP has to tie herself up in knots trying to find a solution.

I wouldn't consider jumping through any hoops to attend my brother's second marriage, hundreds of miles away, when he hasn't invited my kids.

Send a gift and a card to be read out in the speeches.

OP, how dare you not want to pay an extra £1000 to book new accommodation, arrange childcare from someone you don't know in a place you don't really know, or spend a hot, sweaty night in a tent in which you'll need to get ready for a wedding! Of course you should put yourself out and completely ignore your and your family's needs and best interests - it's a wedding! Don't forget the money/gift either.

Back to reality, YANBU. It's a bloody long distance to travel for a night, and yes, if you're having a child-free wedding you should accept that things like this can (and most likely will) happen. I'm not convinced the posters who would drag themselves cross country and over mountains with 3 broken limbs and their families strapped to their backs to attend a family wedding would actually do any different to you in your situation. 😉

I lived in the “arse end of the highlands” for years and people really have no idea how difficult, time consuming and expensive it can be to travel around, especially in the summer, it can take three hours to travel a hundred miles easily. Taxis are really expensive if it’s rural that’s assuming you can even manage to book one, trains are also expensive if you’re not booking in advance and you might be nowhere near a station.
I also wouldn’t be travelling that distance for with children for DH to be taking them to a park all day so you can attend the wedding.
I frequently see “it’s a wedding not a summons” on here so I’ve no idea why you are getting such a hard time.
Could you go, possibly, could you go without making you, DH and children exhausted and miserable and skint, probably not.
Your brother chose to have a child free wedding, your childcare fell through, it’s disappointing but it’s just the way things are.

Op

i will take a punt

you do not get on well with your brother? And there’s history

5.5 hours is the absolutely best case scenario assuming no traffic, no road works, no accidents (which I can tell you now will absolutely not be the case in August) plus no breaks. My mum lives about 200 miles away from me. On paper it's a 3.5 hour drive but it frequently takes 5-6 hours due to the above reasons.

The people saying you could/should do it in one day are off their rockers.

I'm not really sure what you wanted from this post other than people saying no, you are not being unreasonable?

@luxxlisbon OP has already paid out for rooms etc which they may not even get back and public transport option is around £1000 even if it was £300 many if us do not have £300 say around , I know that is hard to believe for some on here as its pocket change to some clearly

How are you going to drive 350 miles before the wedding or set off to do it afterwards?

I think if you don't invite your sister's children to your wedding you don't really care if DSis is there. I understand child free weddings because you don't want the place over run with kids or need to restrict numbers but your own neices and nephews? Also child care is bound to be difficult when your entire family will be at the wedding.

I don't think you can ask the sick household to have them still, even if it is allowed. If he had "flu" it would be perfectly reasonable to say they can't do it.

I wouldn't use the holiday as an excuse though, you were prepared to go to the wedding. I've had covid twice, both times caught at a party. TBH with the numbers as they are currently, you almost need to expect that you'll get it if you go to any large indoor gathering, so maybe it's just as well you can't go.

I’m detecting sarcasm. Places like this exist you know.

I think some of the responses on here are hilarious - no concept of how much things actually cost, in both money and effort 🤣

If you choose to have a childfree wedding (nothing wrong with that, by the way, I'm not anti them at all, I only had relative's kids at mine, and I've been to few adult only weddings) then you have to accept some people with children may not be able (or want) to attend. End. There isn't really anything else to say.

YANBU

This with wedding bells on.

Not to drip feed, because I’d never send them to SILs anyway, but my kids both have asthma so I’m not crazy at the thought of them being exposed to COVID anyway!

OP, If your brother says the children can come, where will they stay?

The OP said quite some way back that she had checked and there were no trains available that would get her there by tomorrow.

Also, many other posters have highlighted the fact that there are train strikes. In the absence of any trains i suspect the OP has looked at flights because of the above.

If it was me I would go without my partner - even if you can't drive you must be able to get a train to where a family member or friend could pick you up. Or you could ask a friend to come instead of partner (that is what I did for a friend's wedding when my leg was in plaster).

It is not an AIBU question, just up to you to decide how much you want to go.

Seriously? I have never heard of anyone driving that distance on the morning of the wedding. Depending on the roads it could be up to 8 hours, who would do that before an all day ceremony?

OP can't you take dc but dh stays with them in the hotel room/takes them out for the day and only you attend the wedding? So it is still a chidfree wedding?

There’s two answers to OPs question:
(1) “YABU, your brother is right to be hurt, find a way to make it up to him” or
(2) “YANBU, he’s being precious, just apologise and move on, up to him whether he accepts it”.

Pages and pages of “what about this, what about that” and OP giving fair reasons why they’re not workable. She hasn’t asked for a solution in the first place, she doesn’t want random people trying to make a solution.

@Rowen32 or could read the thread
Then again my brother would never not invite my kids

I love that on here people are generally so cautious that letting your children have a sleepover with friends raises eyebrows, yet the OP is being unreasonable not to leave her kids with random people her DB isn’t even close enough to to invite to his wedding.

If you have a child free wedding then you have to accept that if people’s childcare falls through then they can’t come.

If the groom wanted his sister there that much he’d make an exception.

In your position I would politely decline and then do something lovely this weekend with your family instead. There's no way I would get into hundreds of pounds of debt to attend the wedding on my own. I also wouldn't consider leaving my children with strangers. I think you should just say something along the lines of "I know, it's really disappointing our plans have fallen through, but have a lovely time and hopefully we can all visit you sometime soon." Then stop engaging with it!

Don't think it's remotely unreasonable for you not to go. Shit happens.

The wedding point of contact at our venue was very careful to point out that on average 10%of guests on the day are a no show due to "shit happening". She was bang on as it happened. They left it as late as possible for us to confirm our numbers so we didn't pay for people who could give a few days notice.

Even precovid, people get sick, pregnant people have issues, have other family emergencies like death and injury. You plan for this as standard with any big event.

Sorry if missed but how old are your children op?i only ask because I remember a similar thread in the past and transpired the “children” in question were 15 and 17