Childcare fallen through so can’t make DB’s child free wedding

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

My brother lives 350 miles away and is getting married tomorrow. Children aren’t invited - it’s been a nightmare trying to organise childcare for 3 full days (have to stay at least 2 nights because of distance) for my 2 kids in the summer holidays but we roped in BIL and SIL who thankfully had the days free and veryl kindly agreed to have them.

BIL found out yesterday that he has COVID! So we not can’t send them. He’s quite unwell with it as well apparently.

I told my brother today that we can’t come as we just cannot find anyone else at short notice to look after the kids for 2 nights. It’s a big ask of anyone!

He’s really pissed off with me and has asked if I can send them anyway as isolation rules etc are essentially redundant now. I’ve said no I’m it asking them to do that. Especially because we go on holiday next week and don’t want the kids taking COVID to Turkey with them. Was IBU to say no? I think if you ask people to make a 700 mile round trip for their wedding without their kids being invited you risk things falling through and this happening

Seeing as it seems most people on mumsnet refuse to attend weddings unless it's next door and there's a free bar I'm astonished at some of the posts!

Don't go OP. You've given him a solution (your other brother) and he's said no. I agree the other options are unworkable. His loss, not yours. Hope your BIL gets better soon.

@Monkey2001 if you read the thread you would see about the trains
Some people on here really have no idea where the highlands is obviously

I mean maybe it is relevant that the kids have asthma as another reason I originally said no to the invite was because I really worry they will have an attack when DH and I aren’t there. We’ve never been away anywhere just the 2 of us, we’ve been away with friends and work and the other has always stayed behind so I never worried about attacks and how to handle them etc. but SIL also suffers from asthma which is why I trusted her massively should the worst happen to them! Again that may sound rather precious but it is what it is

Honestly, if my brother had said he was having a child free wedding, 350 miles away, I would have declined to start with. I wouldn’t have had anyone to leave my dc with for 2 nights and I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to go on my own so dh could look after the dc.

I can’t believe people think a solution is for all 4 of you to drive all that way and then send your dh and dc to the park! A solution if the wedding was in the next county, but not 350 miles away! I’d think you very selfish if you did that. If it were that important for you to be there, your dbro would have invited all of you. Or, now, in the circumstances, he would relax the plan and back down so the dc could attend.

Suprised at so many people having a go. I don't think any of the options are reasonable. I would encourage you to get comfortable with professional childcare though so you can have more freedom. I certainly feel more comfortable leaving my DC with qualified vetted professionals than friebfs/family who are doing me a favour. It's statically much safer too.

YY, I won’t give away the location of the wedding but we often holiday in the (gorgeous) Highlands and we always factor in loads of driving time because it may say ‘50 miles away’ and that very easily is a 2 hour drive, usually stopping about 3 times as someone is bound to be car sick 🤣

Probably, he sounds completely unable to empathise or see things from other peoples perspectives. Relationships with people like that tend to be difficult.

Buy an airbed if you cant upgrade to a family room. All of you drive up, you attend the wedding while your husband and kids chill in the hotel room or do something locally.

If the hotel had a family room and if the wedding was close to lots of family friendly fun stuff to do, I'd consider going with the children, OH taking them out somewhere for the actual ceremony and then switching with OH through the evening so that you both get to chat to people etc. Your mum might take a little childcare stint too. But there isn't a family room free so it doesn't work. And its a big ask for your OH to drive 350 miles x 2 to an event he can't attend.
It would be a no from me.
I do think people are underestimating how hard it can get to places in the highlands

Is it an option to stay at your uninvited brothers who lives 40 miles away tonight with DH and kids, both you and DH go to the wedding tomorrow and them stay there for the day/night? You could either go back to his after if DH is happy to not drink so the kids aren’t overnight without you or stay in the hotel and drive back early the next day?

I know this is a big ask for DB but it might work? I also realise he might not have the space or know the kids well enough.

If I was you I would expect DB that is getting married to suck it up because life happens!

Yep, I agree. OP, you've no alternative but to decline.

You have tried, you made arrangements, things fall through. You have exhausted the alternatives and the bride and groom are a firm no on the children attending. Simply post the card and gift today and be content you did your best.

You sound FULL of excuses.
But you do you.

I can’t drive at the moment due to a leg injury, so can’t go on my own!

No trains? You don’t really want to go.

Honestly OP, you're not being unreasonable. You've considered the options available.

Reading this thread is like being at a virtual bridezilla conference! Quite shocking how many people clearly have t at least bothered to read your posts or acknowledged the small matter of train strikes!

People are bloody weird on here sometimes.

You can't get there without incurring tremendous additional expense. Driving 350 miles with 2 young children for them to actually have no need to be there, and actually nowhere to stay, would be lunacy.
When I recently had covid I was barely lucid so most definitely wouldn't have been looking after other people's children. And how are you expected to pull 4 day childcare out of your arse with a days notice?

If your brother wanted you to be there he'd have told you to just bring the children. It's exactly what we did when our best man had a similar predicament.

I wouldn't make any further attempt to justify not going. Your brother has the right to be disappointed, but ultimately the fate of that is in his hands.

Sorry app didn't update so didn't see others had posted the same suggestion. People have had various suggestions but you've noped all of them so your aibu should be "to not overexert myself to go to my brothers wedding"

I can see both sides -on one hand most people would do nearly anything to go to a siblings wedding, even if it was inconvenient for them, including having back up child care in place, making a complicated journey even if it cost you more, going alone etc. None of which you want to do. On the other hand someone who really wanted their sibling to attend and deliberately booked their wedding 350 miles away should be more flexible about the "no children" issue and try to help in some way - whether that's offering to pay for a taxi from the closest station, speaking to anyone else attending to see if they can pick you up, paying for an additional hotel room elsewhere for you, dh and kids, etc.

Sorry are you suggesting I send my brother several hundred pounds for not going to his wedding when my childcare plans have fallen through and he won’t budge in any way with the guest list?

Is the heat getting to people I wonder

Or you could read the entire thread and see why this isn't possible?!

Too many stupid responses on this post and it's making me cross!

OP, YANBU. Your DB is just going to have to suck it up.

@Blossomtoes read the thread and you will see about trains
Also OP has suggested another option to her DB and he said no to that , again read the thread

To me whether or not there are solutions is a big part of if she is being unreasonable or not.

Before commenting maybe people should read the thread or at least the OP posts rather than suggesting the same things

You’ve obviously never been to the Scottish Highlands 🤣

No! OP must feel like banging her head against a brick wall, it's been explained so many times on the last few pages alone why the OP can't get a train.

You are not being unreasonable at all, OP. You planned to go, at great expense and hassle, and it's out of your control that childcare plans fell through. All the people on this thread telling you to try and move heaven and earth to get there are being unreasonable!

Your brother (who sounds like hard work) has no right whatsoever to be pissed off at you - this is what can happen if you plan a child-free wedding. Furthermore, child-free weddings are wanky and stupid. There, I said it