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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I don't mind" is really frustrating.

162 replies

PleaseMind · 02/08/2022 14:25

AIBU to think "I don't mind" is often a really rude response? I find it so frustrating. When I ask DH what he wants for dinner I'm really asking him to help share the mental load. When I try to arrange a date with a friend and ask what date suits them Saturday or Sunday I hate getting I don't mind back. Does anyone else find this annoying? How do you cope with it. Took the teen in my life to the shop and gave them the simple task of choosing crisps they just stood there and said "I don't mind", fine no crisps then.

OP posts:
RoomOfRequirement · 02/08/2022 14:26

'I'm really trying to get him to share the mental load'

YES. Mine doesn't understand this either but that's exactly it and why it annoys me so much!

Original poster
PleaseMind · 02/08/2022 14:27

I've tried "can you get some crisps please" and it just ends up with "which ones" I DON'T MIND! I want to scream but no, I just say cheese and onion please

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 02/08/2022 14:28

Depending on the situation I either pick what I want or ask the question in a different way. What do you want to eat, isn't the same question as what shall we cook?

It can be annoying but jsut find ways to make it work for you.

stayathomer · 02/08/2022 14:28

You would hate me so!! I just think too many cooks and all that and think the more outgoing person will end up making the final decision anyway so why talk it out for fifteen minutes!!!!

ChocoButterfly · 02/08/2022 14:28

Yes it's annoying. Instead of asking what they you could try saying...

Please can you choose what we have for dinner tonight. Or from now on can you do the meal planning?

If you want crisps please can you choose them.

pumpkinpie01 · 02/08/2022 14:29

I'm pretty laidback so if I have a choice of say 3 restaurant's and I like all 3 I will say ' I don't mind ' as I genuinely don't !

GrannyGoggles · 02/08/2022 14:29

Drives me nuts. Late MiL used to say this. A. Lot.

My response is, “Nor do I.”

MolliciousIntent · 02/08/2022 14:30

If you want them to do the work, you need to communicate that effectively.

Don't ask "what would you like for dinner?" Say "please pick a meal for tonight." Don't ask"what crisps do you want?" Say "grab the crisps you want and bung them in the trolley."

if you ask someone their preference, you have to be prepared for them to not have one! If you don't want to hear "I don't know" then don't ask questions which can be answered with "I don't know" !!

Original poster
PleaseMind · 02/08/2022 14:30

It's not just DH though there's a whole raft of I don't minders - my teen DSC, my friend when I try to meet up with her, my sister. Its like no one wants to make a decision!

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseMind · 02/08/2022 14:31

MolliciousIntent · 02/08/2022 14:30

If you want them to do the work, you need to communicate that effectively.

Don't ask "what would you like for dinner?" Say "please pick a meal for tonight." Don't ask"what crisps do you want?" Say "grab the crisps you want and bung them in the trolley."

if you ask someone their preference, you have to be prepared for them to not have one! If you don't want to hear "I don't know" then don't ask questions which can be answered with "I don't know" !!

Ah see I tried that, I said can you get some crisps and got asked which ones! I've asked DH to cook dinner a few times and then he asks what I want him to cook!

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 02/08/2022 14:32

I lost it when travelling in my twenties with the most passive friend ever. Every response was “I don’t mind” so I basically decided alone where we visited / ate / accommodation. It was bizarrely maddening. Such a relief to meet Dh who is lovely and clear in his views.

Original poster
PleaseMind · 02/08/2022 14:32

pumpkinpie01 · 02/08/2022 14:29

I'm pretty laidback so if I have a choice of say 3 restaurant's and I like all 3 I will say ' I don't mind ' as I genuinely don't !

That is really really annoying though. If someone has asked you which out of 3 just say I'm happy to go with the majority but if you need me to pick lets go for Spanish or whatever.

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 02/08/2022 14:33

The only time I use 'I don't mind' is with quite over bearing people who I know will have an exacting method or view anyway and I just want to skip ahead to that. Your crips example could fit into this.

I do find it frustrating when there are a few people and everyone claims not to have a view. Cool, so we are all just going to stand here because everyone is too polite to have a view?!

Brefugee · 02/08/2022 14:33

If you want him to share the mental load don't say "what do you want for dinner?" pick a day, do menu planning together and parcel out the cooking days so that he's responsible for thinking about what you have and what you have to buy and cook it too.

Or say: nothing then. and do nothing.
Have you told them what this reply does to you?

Iheartmysmart · 02/08/2022 14:34

This is one of the reasons I’m now separated! The never ending ‘I don’t mind’ or at a restaurant ‘what are you having’ or a suggested day out ‘where do you want to go’ drove me bloody mad. You are an adult - have a fucking opinion of your own for fucks sake.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 02/08/2022 14:34

My mother is like this. I agree it’s lazy and expecting the other person to do all the work.

MILLYmo0se · 02/08/2022 14:35

Im the opposite, I HATE it when on the rare occasion DP is at home to do dinner he texts to ask what will he cook/what do I want. I dont care, I dont want anything to do with it, if i dont like it i ll happily make myself something else i usually do anyway as they prefer spicier food to me. When im making dinner i dont ask, i cook what i feel like making, if he doesnt like it he doesnt have to eat it.
The other scenarios i pick if they 'dont mind'. If they actually DO mind but didnt say so THAT drives me loopy.

MangoBiscuit · 02/08/2022 14:35

I understand why you find it frustrrating, but I also think YAB a little bit U. They are answering the question you're asking. If you want them to answer a different question, then ask THAT question.

Instead of "what do you want for dinner?" say something like, "I'm going to make X or Y for dinner, do you have a preference?" or if you want them to put in the mental work and make the decision say "I have no idea what we're having for dinner, please can you choose today?"

Otherwise you're expecting your DH to decipher what you're really asking, before he can answer. Maybe you already have a preference and you're asking to be polite, and he doesn't want to make you feel like you have to cater to his choice?

balalake · 02/08/2022 14:35

If you have slagged off or relentlessly criticised choices, then YABU. Otherwise, indecision or an attempt at pleasing I can understand being annoying.

Hillrunning · 02/08/2022 14:36

PleaseMind · 02/08/2022 14:31

Ah see I tried that, I said can you get some crisps and got asked which ones! I've asked DH to cook dinner a few times and then he asks what I want him to cook!

Show quote history

So your response to to being ask what crisps or what to cook should have been "I want to not be the one to make that decision". And repeat.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 02/08/2022 14:36

PleaseMind · 02/08/2022 14:31

Ah see I tried that, I said can you get some crisps and got asked which ones! I've asked DH to cook dinner a few times and then he asks what I want him to cook!

Show quote history

Turn it back on them.

"I don't mind what crisp, pick whatever you fancy"
"I don't mind what we have - cook whatever you feel like"

DelurkingAJ · 02/08/2022 14:38

Many years ago one of the reasons I split up with a lovely bloke was his utter inability to have an opinion on these kind of things. ‘Whatever you want is perfect, darling’ led me into a spiral of self doubt trying to second guess what the heck he actually blooming wanted. If DH says this then at least I know he means it as if he does care he’ll say so!

MangoBiscuit · 02/08/2022 14:38

Can you go get some crisps please?
Which ones?
Your choice.

D0lphine · 02/08/2022 14:39

Say "choose what you want for tea then please cook it".

If he says "I don't mind" explain that making every decision is tiring which is why you asked him to sort it.

Forthelasttime09 · 02/08/2022 14:39

Why not take them at their work.

cook what you want
grab the closest crisps to you