"I don't mind" is really frustrating.

[PleaseMind]

AIBU to think "I don't mind" is often a really rude response? I find it so frustrating. When I ask DH what he wants for dinner I'm really asking him to help share the mental load. When I try to arrange a date with a friend and ask what date suits them Saturday or Sunday I hate getting I don't mind back. Does anyone else find this annoying? How do you cope with it. Took the teen in my life to the shop and gave them the simple task of choosing crisps they just stood there and said "I don't mind", fine no crisps then.

But someone eventually has to pick.

What if everyone 'doesn't mind' and no one picks? No crisps and ultimately no dinner.

Aren’t you effectively doing the same thing in reverse by asking the question? Instead of asking the open question of what do you want for tea, say would you like x or y, if they say they don’t mind. Then say ok I’m making x.

Well, from another perspective - when my husband asks me what I want for dinner and I’ve just had a long day at work, no I don’t want to think about it. I want the person who doesn’t work outside the home to bear the burden of deciding on what we’re having for dinner.

Having said that, when one of us says ‘don’t mind’ we really don’t mind. I’m happy to make a decision if he or a kid says it. And I’d do the same with anyone else. If you ‘don’t mind’ then I’m going to make the decision and you can live with it.

i make dinner every night without consulting anyone, i know their likes and dislikes etc, i consider what can be reheated if we’re not eating together etc. i plan and shop for this. This week i am really sick and dh has just called me a martyr for saying i dont mind what he does about dinner- like just fucking make something, anything, dont involve me, just give me something!

with friends now I generally just suggest a place and a time cause i cant be arsed with all the back and forth of “i dont mind”.

so i can see both sides!

For my birthday the only thing I asked for was that he decide what takeaway we got for dinner, because I get so sick of deciding things for everyone. But nope, I had to choose.

What is even worse is getting this response to an OFFER:

Me: I'm making tea - do you want one?
DH: "I don't mind" (this actually means yes - he now expects me to make him one, otherwise for 'no' he says "not for me thanks".)

Or even worse
DH: "yeah, can do". This make it seem like I am asking him for a cuppa!

He just can't say 'yes please'. It's as if he can't acknowledge I'm doing him a favour.

I'm very bad for saying "I don't mind". I don't actually like making decisions. So, if we're going to have a takeaway, and DP asks me what I would like, I pretty much always reply "I don't mind, anything". Because, I seriously don't give a fuck where we order from, and I also don't want to be responsible if anything goes wrong.

I think it stems from a time as a child when we were on our way camping. I was maybe about 8. We stopped to get fish and chips on the way, everyone ordered, and I chose something that wasn't ready and had to be made fresh. This held us up. When we got to the camp site we were too late to get anywhere. As an adult, looking back, I can see it wasn't my fault because clearly if simply waiting 5-8 mins for some dinner makes us that late, then we were running very late anyway. But the shame I felt at my stepdad berating me to my mum, saying it was all my fault and why did I have to be different and order this, why couldn't I do the same as a my brother and sister, it's all my fault we can't go camping and have to go home, has stuck with me.

I don't know if it's rude, but I find this annoying too.

I get that totally. We both work though.

That would drive me round the bend.

My dad was terrible for this - non-committal grunting and muttering whenever my mum offered tea or coffee. I took it for granted as a child at home but as an adult visiting them it really annoyed me, so I started saying loudly: 'Yes, thank you, dear wife, a cup of tea would be lovely!' whenever he did it.

Me: I'm making tea - do you want one?
DH: "I don't mind" (this actually means yes - he now expects me to make him one, otherwise for 'no' he says "not for me thanks

Oh my God, that would drive me bananas!

You don’t have to put much thought in to picking though do you.

reach out - grab the closest bag of crisp. Job done.

open fridge and pull something out.

just pick what you fancy and everyone else gets what they are given.

This drives me crazy too. I'll ask what my husband wants for dinner, he'll say his doesn't mind then when I suggest something he says he doesn't fancy it, so clearly he does mind!!

Don't indulge.
Just cook whatever.
They won't mind!!!

I think yabu. If I say I don't mind then I don't mind. If you want suggestions say tell me some possibilities to cook for dinber, go to eat etc.

I hear you op. Drives me made too. It’s lazy.
My lot do this all the time, especially when it comes to dinner. What really makes me mad is, they absolutely DO mind, as they are a fussy bunch! They just pass the problem back to me all the time. Infuriating…. Just say what you want!!

I'm finding the people who keep giving the I dont minders multiple chances as frustrating tbh

I literally was just on Instagram reading several last posts of the most famous psychologist in Russia and they are all about it, about people who never were asked what they wanted as children or were not allowed to choose for themselves and never developed this ability or emotional maturity to take responsibility for their own decisions.

However it’s not the end of the world and everyone can learn as an adult, if you don’t learn it’s not just immature it also means you never get through the process of getting to know yourself. Everyone has preferences when we are toddlers - many are just raised to not have a voice. Screenshot of the autotranslated post is attached

But the “I don’t minders” then leave all the decision making to others so if a wrong decision is made - look whose at fault! That was what annoyed me when I travelled with someone like this.

This is fascinating! I totally get you OP and would also feel frustrated in your scenario. To the people saying 'just choose yourself then', this is not a bad solution for a one off but it does get tiring always being the one to make decisions. I agree though that re-wording your requests would be a good idea.

Also, do the 'I don't mind'-ers always have to make sure they have decisive friends otherwise how do you ever arrange to do anything?

@Beancounter1 What would happen if he said 'I don't mind' and you chose not to make him a cup of tea? Does he actually not mind or does he think he's saying yes? That is so weird!

For indecisive people like this, I find it better to give them a choice. Definitive options to choose from. Would you like a drink - red wine, white wine or soft drink? If they still say I don't mind then just give them whichever is easier to make. Well there is white open so there you go.

Tea or Coffee. I don't mind. Well I am having tea, so so are you.

What do you want for dinner - chicken or fish? I don't mind. Fish it is.

Any complaints after - oh that's odd, I am sure you said you didn't mind.

Don't pander to it. I agree it is annoying and adds to the mental load.

Lots of us don't mind but someone has to choose and it shouldn't always be on one person. Sometimes I say 'I don't mind but this one looks particularly nice.'

I hate 'I don't mind' on its own as it's like they're opting out of having to think about anything or take any responsibility, weigh anything up. Lots of choices have no real consequences but they still need to be made.

"I don't mind" is so frustrating, especially when they do actually mind. One of my exes would not communicate what she wanted.

For example, choosing where to eat out.

Me: Where do you fancy going tonight?
Her: I don't mind
Me: Indian?
Her: No
Me: Pub?
Her: No
Me: French restaurant?
Her: No
Me: Chinese?
Her: No

It was like I was playing a guessing game to try to figure out where she wanted to go.

After a few times I started taking it literally so would just book where I fancied. She left me quite soon after that.