"I don't mind" is really frustrating.

[PleaseMind]

AIBU to think "I don't mind" is often a really rude response? I find it so frustrating. When I ask DH what he wants for dinner I'm really asking him to help share the mental load. When I try to arrange a date with a friend and ask what date suits them Saturday or Sunday I hate getting I don't mind back. Does anyone else find this annoying? How do you cope with it. Took the teen in my life to the shop and gave them the simple task of choosing crisps they just stood there and said "I don't mind", fine no crisps then.

Yes, I think people who say “I don’t mind” are often people who either are dealing with someone very domineering (are you?) or who have grown up with someone who shamed them or got annoyed if their choice was wrong.

It is frustrating though.

The other person is answering the question they (quite reasonably) thought you were asking. They think you are kindly offering to let them have what they want. There's nothing in the question that communicates you are trying to pass the burden of the decision to them, because you yourself don't have a preference.

This is the questioner's fault for not being clear.

I also don't see how it is a burden.

Scenario 1: the cook has a preference, then just cook that.
Scenario 2: the cook doesn't care: just make a random choice.

If both have no preference for what they want to eat, the cook may still have a preference based on their knowledge of what is possible with available ingredient and how much effort different options are. So it will always make more sense for the cook to choose.

Yes but then the poor bloody cook always has to choose. Stop being wet blankets and state a flipping preference!

Oh, you have no idea how much this pisses me off.

I've started saying 'can you make the decision instead, please'

Because otherwise the hole in the wall is just gettin bigger

Me - what do you fancy for dinner tonight?
DH - I don’t know, anything
Me - I thought pasta
DH - nah, not really in the mood for that
Me - There’s curry in the freezer
DH - hmm, I don’t think I fancy anything that spicy…

Then you don’t fancy “anything”, do you!!
<bangs head on wall>

Scenario 1: the cook has a preference, then just cook that.
Scenario 2: the cook doesn't care: just make a random choice.

**

Scenario 3: Different cook for a change?

It frustrates me too, not with my husband as I can be open with him - sometimes I ask him if he has an opinion and then I don't mind a no, sometimes I'll just say 'can you sort dinner please' and he'll do it all.

I have some friends like this too. I don't mind making decisions but as a child I was bossy and even now when I've matured and not been accused of being bossy as an adult, I'm worried people will think I am so don't always want to decide!

when offered something if someone responds to me something extremely unenthusiastic that means yes I say cheerfully gosh no need it’s not compulsory / I’m not making you / no one is going to twist your arm. And don’t make them one.
Mostly this is dp who will rapidly correct himself to yes please.

I wouldn't say I don't mind for a huge decision I can make decisions but for thinks like what to have for tea If Dh or anybody else is cooking I generally don't mind.

The way to stop this is when they say 'I don't mind' do the opposite of what you know they would like/want. They soon learn to answer properly.

If I ask my DC if they would like a drink and they say 'yes' without saying what they would like, they get whatever drink I see fit to give them or sometimes they don't get a drink. Whilst I could ask them what would you like to drink I expect a common sense response. This helps them learn to say what they actually want.

Oh I used to be told off for being bossy when I was younger I bet it stems from that, although I like to think I was assertive 😃

If my dh says I dont mind
He means: i dont mind

So that means i could cook him whatever
Or book Saturday OR sunday because He doesnt mind

Stop making such big deal out of it
Either give him 2 options to choose from or just do whatever you wanna do if he says he doesnt mind

Women say "idont mind" but then actually do mind. Men tend to be quite literally when they say i dont mind

I'm a woman and I don't generally mind.

Yes! I agree. Like it might seem like it's simple but it's one more decision that falls to me if no one helps and I've already had a day at work deciding.

I find it so frustrating. When I ask DH what he wants for dinner I'm really asking him to help share the mental load.

This x 1000. DP frequently answers, "Whatever you think best, darling." Even when I phrase it, "Do you want X or Y." And it annoys the pants off me. He also never calls me darling normally. He is not trying to be annoying, but it just really pushes all my buttons. 😂

'What do you want for dinner this evening?'

"I don't mind."

'Have you any ideas of what to have? '

'No not really.'

Okay, so I have to figure it out, again. Nice one.

YANBU! This is my pet peeve with my husband. Also when I ask for an opinion out of two things I'm looking to purchase and his answer is just get both or whichever you like. 😫 It drives me insane!

If I say I don't mind it's because I genuinely don't mind.

In itself I don't mind isn't an issue. In your scenario neither of you are prepared to make a decision on dinner, ans I wouldn't say one is worse than the other. If you find it frustrating then equally you don't like making decisions. You holding the mental load is a problem but that isn't determined off one I don't mind, that's a chronic problem

If it's someone saying I don't mind but they actually do this can be frustrating. There's a type of person I say I don't mind to because I really can't be fucking arsed to sit through an entire meal of them moaning when I've made a choice. At least if they make it they can only moan at themselves (MIL I'm looking at you)

But ultimately I guess I would prefer a conversation to go something like this if I have no preferences:

What do want for dinner
Me: I don't mind, anyone have any preferences

Everyone yes/no

If someone has a preference we will do that, otherwise I will pick something. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to decide just do you have a preference because I don't have any. If equally you don't then I'll pick something random/go for a wander and see what looks nice

And related: if the cook says “oh please just pick something, I’m too tired to choose” the answer is NOT “whatever’s easiest”.

But why? If I'm cooking I'd say right beans on toast then or jacket tattie. And then wouldn't feel bad for not doing anything more elaborate because the family really don't mind. I just accept that don't mind means what it says, and those with stronger preferences get what they want

Because sometimes I would like someone ELSE to be the person to come up with the ideas, even if said idea is beans on toast. It’s not about whether people do secretly mind or not, I’m happy to believe that nobody in the house has a preference, it’s about having to come up with the answer every single time when I also ‘don’t mind’.

The biggest I-don’t-minder in my family will take it to the point of getting you to pick something for her off a menu if we’re eating out or getting a takeaway, because “I really don’t mind” or “I’m happy with whatever” or “gosh I can’t decide.” It gets tiring.

I think this is why I'm an "I don't mind-er" because growing up the youngest in a family of strong personalities there wasn't much space for autonomy.

I am pretty easy to please though.

Sometimes there's not much information to go on. I have learned to ask what the options are. If it's something like being on holiday, it's easier to investigate options than 20+ years ago.

We used to get stalemates on group holidays between pleasing the vegetarian, the thrifty couple, the one's who don't like spice etc... by that point there's no point in saying, actually I'd love some Thai food tonight.

I am fed up of catering for my family though. Everyone has their preferences yet no one can constructively tell me what they want to eat beyond a blank look and "pizza". We already have pizza weekly, I need 6 other relatively healthy suggestions that will be eaten, not too wet, too bitty, too fishy, too creamy, too repetitive, too spicy... They do mind, they just can't seem to tell me what they actually like no I'm not doing a full roast dinner

If someone gives me a list of options and I say I don't mind, you choose, it's because I literally and genuinely DON"T MIND! I'm not being lazy, or obnoxious, or refusing to carry the mental load, its because I actually don't mind, and you, more than likely, actually do, therefore you get the final say. If others say they don't mind, I take them at their word and make the final decision - if you don't like it, tough, you were asked.