Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with MIL

290 replies

LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 13:45

DHs family always go away each year. It’s him, his four siblings and everyone’s partners and children. We’re going on 2nd august.

MIL had just text to say she’s tested positive for Covid and so has cancelled the family holiday. She said she can’t guarantee she will be testing negative by then. FIL is negative currently.

Im annoyed as we’ve booked all flights, car hire etc. PIL pay for the villa and we all pay for the rest. This is widely out of character for them.

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 18/07/2022 16:27

Meraas · 18/07/2022 16:22

Coffeeaddict

My mum is in her 70s and is aware of financial struggles me and my siblings have. She wouldn't just leave us up shit creek and shrug her shoulders.

Saying my grandkids can't have a holiday because I may not be able to come is nothing but selfish

Whilst I agree that MIL/FIL have behaved badly, you seem to be implying it’s grand parents’ job to provide holidays? That is very entitled.

Not at all my mum has never paid for holidays for me since I've been an adult and nor do I expect her to.
However to cancel you kids and grandkids prebooked holiday is selfish. If money is the issue (the OP said previous discussions about cheaper options have taken place) then prior to her kids booking flights and cars they say sorry we can't afford this any more let's go for a cheaper long weekend in the UK where we can all chip in.
I have no expectations of grandparents to pay for kids holidays ( we go camping as we can't afford big abroad holidays and my kids love it) but to cancel last minute is uncalled for.

Walkingalot · 18/07/2022 16:31

The decent thing to have done was to speak to all of you before they cancelled it or even just told you all to go off and enjoy yourselves. They might be able to get their money back but they obviously haven't thought about the rest of you.
There's no way I'd be booking any future holidays with them.
And in their 60's isn't old. You may be right in that there's something else going on.

Samarie123 · 18/07/2022 16:34

Couldn’t they just cancel themselves and let you all go and enjoy the Villa they paid for?
otherwise what a selfish cow!

tempester28 · 18/07/2022 16:40

That was selfish! She will almost certainly not still have covid in two weeks time. I suppose she thinks FIL will catch it a bit later and may still have it at departure time. Even so, she should have discussed it with you as you already have flights booked and given you the option to go ahead without them.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 18/07/2022 16:41

How selfish! I wouldn't go with then again. Is she so self centred that she doesn't realise the dgc are going to be disappointed or are they too young?

withgraceinmyheart · 18/07/2022 16:41

My guess is that she hasn’t realised that none of the rest of you will get your money back/be covered by insurance. Has she has covid before? Some people think companies will just refund in situations like this as a good will
gesture, but they can’t at the scale it’s at.

She possibly also thought it would be awkward/unfair if some of your wanted to go and others couldn’t afford to, so she decided to make the decision for you all and save the arguments. It’s a very ‘im
still the mum and I can fix this’ thing to do.

Your dh sounds like the right person to speak to her. Hopefully he can talk her down. I agree with others though that there probably won’t be this sort of family holiday again even if he can. Trust has been broken!

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2022 16:42

Samarie123 · 18/07/2022 16:34

Couldn’t they just cancel themselves and let you all go and enjoy the Villa they paid for?
otherwise what a selfish cow!

Is this MN? Where people object to splitting a bill because someone else had a pudding when they didn’t? Yet a couple is expected to pay for a villa for other people to enjoy on a holiday they’re not going on? This place is beyond belief sometimes.

Herejustforthisone · 18/07/2022 16:42

If she’s happy for her children to lose hundreds, if not thousands of pounds in cancelled flights as they can’t find/afford replacement accommodation, it would appear these holidays are a method of controlling the family rather than treating them.

greatblueheron · 18/07/2022 16:46

Wow! Seems a bit of an overreaction with it 2 weeks out!

tangofandango1 · 18/07/2022 16:46

wtf. i’d be foaming

tempester28 · 18/07/2022 16:47

Can you suggest un cancelling as you will all loose money, and perhaps pil pay for the two siblings who cannot afford it - as presumably they can neither afford to loose the money for the flights. Suggest you will all help each other with kids.

Blowthemandown · 18/07/2022 16:49

@LeafHunter sort out your own accommodation. Go through local travel agent (in resort) or booking.com maybe for several rooms in the same place. Or places close by so you can still meet up. Better than losing out. Look for free cancel and hold yours now until DH has a word with his Mum

Crumpleton · 18/07/2022 16:57

SeasonFinale · 18/07/2022 15:09

I would absolutely ask does she need your bank details for her to reimburse you for all your wasted costs or does she already have them? Can she please do that this afternoon so you can book an alternative holiday. Then sit back and wait.

⬆️⬆️⬆️
I'd do this to..
Either she's really poorly and not telling you, selfish or just controlling.

CoraPirbright · 18/07/2022 16:59

Weirdly selfish of her! Perhaps she simply has no clue that you cannot just get a refund?

We are in a similar situ wrt covid. DS just recovering, none of us have gone down with it yet. Holiday in 12 days. If I am positive at that point, there is no way I would let the holiday be cancelled - they can go without me!!

inthewest · 18/07/2022 16:59

That's so selfish! YANBU!! My partner tested positive this morning which means we will be missing a wedding in France this weekend (it's a mate of his so no reason to go without him). We booked a large house, but want the others to go. Getting covid and changing plans is a pretty common possibility that we all understood could happen.

We have flights at the end of next week to visit my family abroad. A trip that has been postponed for 2 years now. We are planning to still go, as he will be on day 12 when we fly. Ours is a bit more flexible as we are staying with my parents and the airline has quite a flexible covid policy.

PattyMelt · 18/07/2022 17:06

Just look for a nice one bed apartment for you and Dh You'll lose your money for the flights and car if you don't go at all. Let the rest of them sort themselves out. She's lost the plot.

craftsupplyhoarder · 18/07/2022 17:09

It's not just "other people" who she's hurting, though. It's her own family! And not wanting to pay for someone else's pudding (or more often expensive meal choice and copious alcohol) isn't the same as pulling the rug out from under your family when they've already spent money they can't get back. She made the offer. She wanted the holiday to be at this specific place. If money was an issue, she shouldn't have arranged it this way.

If she's actually keen for her children to enjoy the money while she's still alive rather than inherit after she's gone, this is an odd way of showing it. She should have discussed it before making a unilateral decision. I'd definitely be wary of ever spending money for a group holiday of this sort again.

billy1966 · 18/07/2022 17:10

If it is just reactive to having Covid it is an awful thing to do.

To not call and have some dialogue.

Given you all even the chance to make a contribution to the cost of the accommodation.

She doesn't want to miss out but is happy for those flights etc to be lost.

It seems an extraordinarily thoughtless, dramatic action on her behalf.

twoandcooplease · 18/07/2022 17:11

I think if there's ever a time to be comfortable with your bil/sil to say wtf then it's now as it sounds like that's the general consensus anyway

This does sound like something my mil/fil would do too

MargotChateau · 18/07/2022 17:14

If your PILs are anything like mine holidays and special days are about control rather than an actual treat from the goodness of their hearts.

They might be paying but that is so everyone is together. Presumably if they had to pay for themselves rather than going holidays with their in laws, everyone would go on holidays with their nuclear family only.

Its incredibly selfish to let families take time off work, pay for flight etc and insurance and then cancel on them just because you, the organiser is ill, and if you can’t have a holiday no one can. Also undoes the idea that they are giving their children their inheritance in holidays and such, if they just cancel them and put them out to the tune of hundred or thousands of dollars

If I was dil I would never go on holiday with them again.

Washermother33 · 18/07/2022 17:18

Look for somewhere you and your OH can afford to stay and go anyway .. it’s wierd behaviour on the part of the MIL .. but not uncommon

rookiemere · 18/07/2022 17:33

I'd book something for just your family that's cancellable and within budget. Ideally on a complex so others can join if they want.

Then if there is a resolution great, but if not you'll still get a holiday.

chickenegg · 18/07/2022 17:35

Holly60 · 18/07/2022 13:57

If it's wildly out of character I'd say she is panicking or there is something else going on.

Yep. This.

incywincyspidery · 18/07/2022 17:59

Seeing as the current guidelines are that you are okay to go back out etc after 5 days, I'm assuming that they have enough proof that you aren't contagious after that point anyway, even if you aren't testing negative. But with it being mild it seems to pass a lot quicker these days anyway.
DH and I had it three weeks ago. Both had about three days where it was like a really bad cold, although neither of us needed to stay in bed or anything, then another couple of days where we were getting better. We tested again when I was at 5 days and DH was at 7 days and both tested negative. Cancelling a holiday so far into the future is daft IMO.

LadyLapsang · 18/07/2022 18:02

So much focus on the villa and so little focus on your MIL How is she feeling? Perhaps she has underlying health conditions you don’t know about which mean her insurance company now wouldn’t cover her while she was away. It was lovely they have been treating you, but it’s normal for adults to pay their own way. We have treated DC and DMIL, but they would only be concerned for our heath in a similar scenario.