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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed with MIL

290 replies

LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 13:45

DHs family always go away each year. It’s him, his four siblings and everyone’s partners and children. We’re going on 2nd august.

MIL had just text to say she’s tested positive for Covid and so has cancelled the family holiday. She said she can’t guarantee she will be testing negative by then. FIL is negative currently.

Im annoyed as we’ve booked all flights, car hire etc. PIL pay for the villa and we all pay for the rest. This is widely out of character for them.

OP posts:
Lobelia123 · 21/07/2022 08:54

Yeah this is a controlling tantrum on your MILs part....the arrogance is breathtaking - if she cant go....no one can go. Its a power play for sure. Stuff all your airline tickets, car rental hire and leave booked etc! i dont think its an answer to go the route your FIL suggested either as then you'll draw her anger by allowing the holiday to go ahead without her. If it were me, Id try to rebook somewhere close where your tickets etc will still get you - those who can join you are welcome. I would also probably be very wary of ever accepting a holiday invitation from her again. She's gotten very used to calling the shots and seems absolutely oblivious to the losses her children will sustain because of her selfishness.

MrsMontyD · 21/07/2022 09:25

My exMIL likes to be the matriarch, always trying to be in charge, even at events she hasn't organised, which would have been done right in the first place if she had - you get the picture.

She would never have done this, if she couldn't go she'd have cried the whole time we were away and been on the phone constantly (amazed adults were coping without her) but she would 100% still have paid for the villa. Her grandchildren getting a holiday would be the main priority.

This is extreme, narcissistic actually thinking the whole thing revolves around her.

Affyhuss · 21/07/2022 09:53

Hi could you not ring the villa and revoke the cancellation

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 21/07/2022 09:55

You MIL cancelled becuase she doesn't want you all to go on the holiday without her, and for her to miss out. She's being incredibly selfish.
Go, pay for a villa just for your family, and enjoy the holiday. I wouldn't be booking with them again.

godmum56 · 21/07/2022 10:47

ThePumpkinPatch · 20/07/2022 14:42

@LeafHunter I must admit though, I'm very shocked that you'd willingly turn down FIL's offer and forfeit everyone's holiday (inc. 5 children who some of, or possibly all, will have been counting down the sleeps to and been very excited for) just because you don't want to tell a little white lie about who paid.

You mentioned earlier that there's at least two couples who will almost certainly not be able to afford a holiday otherwise, so what about them? Surely telling a small, ultimately meaningless lie in order to reinstate holidays for 5 children and 2+ couples on a low income, is a small price to pay? Is it not?

Don't get me wrong, I admire principles and despise lying at the best of times but this is one of those times where it needs to be done for the greater good of all.

Its not a white lie. That kind of thing has a way of coming back and biting you on the bum. Its a lot of money to say that you suddenly found from nowhere, also Mil has only got to get the truth out of fil for the shit to hit the fan. I honestly don't see why fil cannot just man up and say that he will be paying anyway, they are sorry to miss the holiday but there will be other times yadda yadda.

Chilmark79 · 21/07/2022 11:48

@LeafHunter Is it possible your PIL are using Covid as a pretext, that they have other reasons for wanting or needing to cancel but are pulling the Covid card? There’s something in the way you describe this- a narrative that doesn’t hold water being stuck to even as it unravels- that sounds like a No10 damage limitation operation.
I am sorry about the stress all of this is causing to you and your extended family, it does sound exhausting and unnecessary.

AllNightDiner · 21/07/2022 12:15

Pathetic that FIL would rather OP and her husband lied to the entire family than stand up to MIL and be seen to be standing up to her. I think that explains everything you need to know about the character of MIL and what this is all about. Like a pp, I'd be tempted to accept the offer and then blow the gaffe to the others and get all the crap out into the open. As time passes, it must be decreasingly likely the original booking can be salvaged though. I would try and look for silver linings. At least the whole family now has a clearer idea of what dynamics are at play here, and maybe the less well off sibling might come to see the umbilical cord of funding for the control that it most likely is.

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2022 12:39

Pathetic that FIL would rather OP and her husband lied to the entire family than stand up to MIL

I thought one of the fundamental tenets of MN is that men should support their wives. Is there an age limit for that?

MrsMontyD · 21/07/2022 13:56

strawberrybubblegum · 18/07/2022 15:26

When people get elderly, they become more reactive, and worry about things more. They also become more narrowly focused on their own perspective, and less able to imagine the impact on other people, especially where the impact would be different for them. Eg they haven't realised that you can't afford another holiday if you lose the money from these flights, because they would have enough money to rebook something else. It seems to be a normal part of aging, and will happen to us all (if we're lucky enough to reach that age!)

Best let DH talk it through with her - and spell out the impact on you, and that you'd really like the holiday to go ahead even if there's a risk they can't come. And maybe suggest a local get-together with the ILs later in the year if they can't come (paid for by the kids). Hopefully you can un-cancel the holiday (and with luck she'll be well enough to come anyway and this will all blow over!)

Late 60s is definitely not elderly, the state retirement age is 67.

Liorae · 21/07/2022 14:00

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2022 12:39

Pathetic that FIL would rather OP and her husband lied to the entire family than stand up to MIL

I thought one of the fundamental tenets of MN is that men should support their wives. Is there an age limit for that?

You forget, on MN the MIL is always evil and nobody, not even her husband, is allowed to support her.

rookiemere · 21/07/2022 14:02

It may be nothing to do with age, MIL may not be thinking clearly because she has Covid.

MrsMontyD · 21/07/2022 14:04

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2022 12:39

Pathetic that FIL would rather OP and her husband lied to the entire family than stand up to MIL

I thought one of the fundamental tenets of MN is that men should support their wives. Is there an age limit for that?

He's only supporting her to her face though, he's actually undermining her by going behind her back and plotting with his son. There's absolutely no way MIL wouldn't find out eventually, can you imagine the fallout?

His role as a supportive husband includes telling her when she's being unreasonable, in a constructive, private way.

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2022 14:07

There's absolutely no way MIL wouldn't find out eventually

Isn’t there? If they have separate finances, how would she find out unless someone told her?

NumberTheory · 21/07/2022 14:08

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2022 12:39

Pathetic that FIL would rather OP and her husband lied to the entire family than stand up to MIL

I thought one of the fundamental tenets of MN is that men should support their wives. Is there an age limit for that?

Even if MN were as one note as you imply (and it’s not quite that bad) lying to his wife and encouraging her son to do style same isn’t supporting her.

Sweatinglikeabitch · 21/07/2022 14:17

No way on earth would I secretly take FILs money. Can you imagine if she found out and 1. Demanded the money back and 2. Told the whole family that you had blackmailed money off FIL and then lied to everyone and pretended it was your generosity. You'd be lucky if you didn't end up cut off from the whole family.

I'd just get what holiday you can over there and never agree to another holiday again.

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2022 14:20
  1. She couldn’t ask for the money back; it’s not hers, it’s Fil’s.
AllNightDiner · 21/07/2022 15:47

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2022 12:39

Pathetic that FIL would rather OP and her husband lied to the entire family than stand up to MIL

I thought one of the fundamental tenets of MN is that men should support their wives. Is there an age limit for that?

He's not supporting her. He's openly admitting that he thinks she's wrong and that he would be willing to reverse the action she's taken, but he doesn't want anyone to tell her. That's undermining her, and undermining them as well, by sucking them into the web of deceit that he needs to perpetuate the myth that he supports her. Anyway, supporting someone doesn't in any sense mean that you can never disagree with them. What kind of relationships must you have to think that it does?

TheRAW · 21/07/2022 16:36

Surely there is more to this than what's stated here. Still it seems the main annoyance isn't the cancellation, but the unilateral way it was done. One thing if MIL was paying for everything, but she's not. Even if she doesn't go, maybe the family could have chipped in to reimburse their expenses. We'll never know because of MIL's actions.

DashboardConfessional · 21/07/2022 19:10

I can't see where OP says FiL is offering out of his own money? How do we know it's not one of those relationships where one leaves all the finances to the other party and he's hoping she won't notice/see statements? My dad wouldn't know if my mum gave me money out of their savings.

1FootInTheRave · 21/07/2022 20:09

She is a selfish , arrogant cow.

Cancelling, likely with no need to.

And expecting to dictate that you can't go either.

Wtf.

PlantSpider · 22/07/2022 03:04

This doesn’t really make sense. Has she stuffed up the original booking somehow and too embarrassed to admit it 🤔

MachineBee · 22/07/2022 07:42

PlantSpider · 22/07/2022 03:04

This doesn’t really make sense. Has she stuffed up the original booking somehow and too embarrassed to admit it 🤔

Now that makes more sense!

DashboardConfessional · 22/07/2022 11:43

PlantSpider · 22/07/2022 03:04

This doesn’t really make sense. Has she stuffed up the original booking somehow and too embarrassed to admit it 🤔

This is the kind of thing I wondered. She cannot reasonably expect all these relatives to just go yes mum, makes total sense, we will forfeit the flights and not go rather than book some rooms.

GJax · 22/07/2022 19:12

LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 13:45

DHs family always go away each year. It’s him, his four siblings and everyone’s partners and children. We’re going on 2nd august.

MIL had just text to say she’s tested positive for Covid and so has cancelled the family holiday. She said she can’t guarantee she will be testing negative by then. FIL is negative currently.

Im annoyed as we’ve booked all flights, car hire etc. PIL pay for the villa and we all pay for the rest. This is widely out of character for them.

What annoys me more about this post is that you all are considering not going. All of you paid for your flights and typically pay for everything outside of the villa. It's easy for you all to just chip in for the villa and still go without MIL. A family vacation should not just revolve around one person. Go enjoy yourselves and let your families enjoy yourselves. It could be a financial issue for them that they don't want to share. Don't get upset, just hope for the best for her health and spend a little more for the trip. If you're actually angry that you would want to pay more for the villa... then they real issue is with you. Life happens, be flexible and act like an adult.

rookiemere · 22/07/2022 19:36

@GJax I'm not sure you read all of OPs updates.
Some members of the party would struggle to pay their share of the villa and OPs family doesn't really have the funds or the inclination to pay for them, so it's not as simple as you suggest.

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