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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed with MIL

290 replies

LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 13:45

DHs family always go away each year. It’s him, his four siblings and everyone’s partners and children. We’re going on 2nd august.

MIL had just text to say she’s tested positive for Covid and so has cancelled the family holiday. She said she can’t guarantee she will be testing negative by then. FIL is negative currently.

Im annoyed as we’ve booked all flights, car hire etc. PIL pay for the villa and we all pay for the rest. This is widely out of character for them.

OP posts:
strawberrybubblegum · 18/07/2022 15:26

When people get elderly, they become more reactive, and worry about things more. They also become more narrowly focused on their own perspective, and less able to imagine the impact on other people, especially where the impact would be different for them. Eg they haven't realised that you can't afford another holiday if you lose the money from these flights, because they would have enough money to rebook something else. It seems to be a normal part of aging, and will happen to us all (if we're lucky enough to reach that age!)

Best let DH talk it through with her - and spell out the impact on you, and that you'd really like the holiday to go ahead even if there's a risk they can't come. And maybe suggest a local get-together with the ILs later in the year if they can't come (paid for by the kids). Hopefully you can un-cancel the holiday (and with luck she'll be well enough to come anyway and this will all blow over!)

strawberrybubblegum · 18/07/2022 15:29

when I say 'spell out the impact on you', I obviously mean spell out the impact on your family and the other siblings' families, not just you as her DIL!

Sunshineboo · 18/07/2022 15:31

I think your DH needs to tell her that well everybody will miss her and his dad if they can't come, the impact will be less than also missing the holiday. Ask if everyone else can still go and hopefully they will be able to come as well. Sounds to me like those exact words are going to need to be said as she believes the holiday is not worth doing without her.

It may be that she has the view that if she can't go she won't pay, and where we can all debate the rights and wrong is of that it's hard to argue with. So if that is the way she's feeling I guess that's the end of the holiday…

MiniCooperLover · 18/07/2022 15:36

I wonder if the final payment was due and she's just panicked if she runs outside the cancellation period? Is anyone going to ask them to reimburse you all for your flights, etc.? I wouldn't think so as that would seem unreasonable, but no more unreasonable than her leaving you all in the lurch.

Lunificent · 18/07/2022 15:39

strawberrybubblegum · 18/07/2022 15:26

When people get elderly, they become more reactive, and worry about things more. They also become more narrowly focused on their own perspective, and less able to imagine the impact on other people, especially where the impact would be different for them. Eg they haven't realised that you can't afford another holiday if you lose the money from these flights, because they would have enough money to rebook something else. It seems to be a normal part of aging, and will happen to us all (if we're lucky enough to reach that age!)

Best let DH talk it through with her - and spell out the impact on you, and that you'd really like the holiday to go ahead even if there's a risk they can't come. And maybe suggest a local get-together with the ILs later in the year if they can't come (paid for by the kids). Hopefully you can un-cancel the holiday (and with luck she'll be well enough to come anyway and this will all blow over!)

I agree.

Lunificent · 18/07/2022 15:40

Can you still go, and book a mid price hotel or Airbnb so you still get your holiday?

BotterMon · 18/07/2022 15:41

What does FIL say? She sounds batshit. Who is going to reimburse you all for your costs?

strawberrybubblegum · 18/07/2022 15:42

It's more likely to be muddled thinking than 'if she can't go she won't pay'.

But either way, you should ask the other sibs to find out how much of the villa cost you can afford to get together between the 5 families and see if she'll accept that.

If it comes to it, you probably should point out that if she goes ahead with cancelling the holiday then unfortunately that's probably the end of the family holidays, since you won't want to risk losing your holiday money again. That might feel like blackmail, but it really isn't: it's giving her full information so that she can make an informed choice.

Original poster
LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 15:45

For those saying find somewhere else or pay for it ourselves - I don’t think we can find anywhere affordable for everyone at this notice. I know at least two of the siblings wouldn’t be able to afford to go and pay either their share of a big place or for their families in somewhere smaller and it feels uncomfortable for half of us to go and the other half not, and for them to lose money on the flights.

it’s my first holiday with them due to Covid and when we got married but they’ve done this for same island for about ten years. PIL have always paid for accommodation on a “you get it now, not when we’re dead” mentality. They’re both late 60s. Periodically people have mentioned something cheaper or within the UK but then some siblings say they wouldn’t be able to come due to cost so PIL have said they’ll pay for it, we do flights.

Im fairly out of it, they all live near each other and we’re 3hrs away

OP posts:
Lunificent · 18/07/2022 15:46

Go as your own small family unit. Then you don’t need to worry about who can and who can’t go.

pinkymurder · 18/07/2022 15:47

Why can't you all go and pay for your own immediate families?

If it's somewhere like Tenerife or Majorca surely you could get a basic non-fancy Airbnb per family for £600 or so?

UWhatNow · 18/07/2022 15:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Meraas · 18/07/2022 16:02

I think MIL/FIL are probably fed up paying for everyone and they have used this is an opportunity to cancel. It probably just became expected that they would pay and that just grate.

Having said that, it’s not great that they’ve done this at short notice.

Could everyone book their own hotels / villas based on their budgets?

Meraas · 18/07/2022 16:02

*myst grate

GreenWasTheColour · 18/07/2022 16:03

Sometimes these generous gestures are more about control. While it's great they pay for the villa for everyone, clearly they consider it a way to call the shots and dictate the holiday everyone else has. That's why they can't contemplate everyone going without them. They'd prefer all of you to miss out.

Nanny0gg · 18/07/2022 16:05

LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 14:19

BIL has spoken to her and she said she’s worried about not being negative and then infecting others on the plane and that it would be more stressful for everyone if she wasn’t there to help look after the grandchildren.

DH has been asked to speak to her as he’s the most logical and closest to her but he won’t be home till 7pm. No idea if it’s possible to un-cancel a house?!

Did he tell her how much you'd all paid out?

I would refuse to go with them again

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2022 16:06

RedRec · 18/07/2022 14:34

Could it be an unsubtle way of her showing you all how expensive these holidays are and that you should be paying for yourselves?

I thought that too.

Nanny0gg · 18/07/2022 16:07

strawberrybubblegum · 18/07/2022 15:26

When people get elderly, they become more reactive, and worry about things more. They also become more narrowly focused on their own perspective, and less able to imagine the impact on other people, especially where the impact would be different for them. Eg they haven't realised that you can't afford another holiday if you lose the money from these flights, because they would have enough money to rebook something else. It seems to be a normal part of aging, and will happen to us all (if we're lucky enough to reach that age!)

Best let DH talk it through with her - and spell out the impact on you, and that you'd really like the holiday to go ahead even if there's a risk they can't come. And maybe suggest a local get-together with the ILs later in the year if they can't come (paid for by the kids). Hopefully you can un-cancel the holiday (and with luck she'll be well enough to come anyway and this will all blow over!)

They're late 60s! (So am I)

I'm not bloody elderly and nor are they.

I do thing they're controlling though. (Hate that word). They should have given people options first

courtrai · 18/07/2022 16:08

Perhaps you find the accommodation and then ask PIL's to cover the costs for those who can't afford it (rather than all of you). Surely they wouldn't want their children and grandchildren to miss out on the entire holiday? If they do then frankly they're a bit crap.

Either way I'd not be inclined to agree to such an arrangement again. I hope DH gives it to them straight

Nanny0gg · 18/07/2022 16:08

Meraas · 18/07/2022 16:02

I think MIL/FIL are probably fed up paying for everyone and they have used this is an opportunity to cancel. It probably just became expected that they would pay and that just grate.

Having said that, it’s not great that they’ve done this at short notice.

Could everyone book their own hotels / villas based on their budgets?

Did anyone hold a gun to their heads?

Meraas · 18/07/2022 16:17

Nanny0gg · 18/07/2022 16:08

Did anyone hold a gun to their heads?

Show quote history

🙄

I did say that it’s not great what they did.

GreenWasTheColour · 18/07/2022 16:18

Also, don't lose your money and holiday out of awkwardness. Find a hotel in your budget for your family unit. It's a shame for the siblings who can't afford it but that doesn't mean you should miss out. MIL and FIL may be unable to imagine you all holidaying independently but if you set a precedent for it now, you'll be thankful in the future. A lot of obligation and resentments get woven into this kind of big family tradition if the dynamics are off - and based on this behaviour, they definitely are! It's a really good opportunity to establish that you do your own thing and gives you a chance to make your own traditions. Don't let them hold you to ransom every summer!

Coffeaddict · 18/07/2022 16:19

strawberrybubblegum · 18/07/2022 15:26

When people get elderly, they become more reactive, and worry about things more. They also become more narrowly focused on their own perspective, and less able to imagine the impact on other people, especially where the impact would be different for them. Eg they haven't realised that you can't afford another holiday if you lose the money from these flights, because they would have enough money to rebook something else. It seems to be a normal part of aging, and will happen to us all (if we're lucky enough to reach that age!)

Best let DH talk it through with her - and spell out the impact on you, and that you'd really like the holiday to go ahead even if there's a risk they can't come. And maybe suggest a local get-together with the ILs later in the year if they can't come (paid for by the kids). Hopefully you can un-cancel the holiday (and with luck she'll be well enough to come anyway and this will all blow over!)

So all old people are selfish?
My mum is in her 70s and is aware of financial struggles me and my siblings have. She wouldn't just leave us up shit creek and shrug her shoulders.

Saying my grandkids can't have a holiday because I may not be able to come is nothing but selfish

perimenofertility · 18/07/2022 16:21

"It’s SO out of character for her that I also feel something is going on."

I've just had covid and honestly, I was delirious for a couple of days, I halucinated at one point. She may be thinking completely irrationally! Can your FIL help? Can one of you contact the accommodation provider and explain the situation, perhaps they haven't replaced the booking yet. This is still saveable.

Meraas · 18/07/2022 16:22

Coffeeaddict

My mum is in her 70s and is aware of financial struggles me and my siblings have. She wouldn't just leave us up shit creek and shrug her shoulders.

Saying my grandkids can't have a holiday because I may not be able to come is nothing but selfish

Whilst I agree that MIL/FIL have behaved badly, you seem to be implying it’s grand parents’ job to provide holidays? That is very entitled.