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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with MIL

290 replies

LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 13:45

DHs family always go away each year. It’s him, his four siblings and everyone’s partners and children. We’re going on 2nd august.

MIL had just text to say she’s tested positive for Covid and so has cancelled the family holiday. She said she can’t guarantee she will be testing negative by then. FIL is negative currently.

Im annoyed as we’ve booked all flights, car hire etc. PIL pay for the villa and we all pay for the rest. This is widely out of character for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 22:20

Just to be clear, I’m staying well out of it, but DH has mentioned that FIL has offer him the money for a villa rental as long as we say we’ve paid and MIL doesn’t find out it was actually FIL. We have the largest savings that aren’t tied up in property etc so I think he thought it would be believable for siblings etc. This WILL NOT be happening.

Ive muted the WhatsApp and gone to bed. DH is on the phone to SIL.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 18/07/2022 22:22

This WILL NOT be happening

Why on earth not?

WimpoleHat · 18/07/2022 22:24

They asked (I would assume begged) DH and I not to still go, and to encourage others tho can afford it not to due to some not being able to afford someone else.

This really is ludicrous. You’ve booked time off work and have booked and paid for flights and car hire….which they’re asking you not to use? Bonkers. Find yourself a hotel room and go….

LoudingVoice · 18/07/2022 22:24

This is insane! What did MIL say about the fact it’s also incredibly unlikely she’ll still be positive by the time you go anyway, so none of this is necessary whatsoever!

They can’t claim on insurance for your flights if you’ve all booked them separately, are they usually so naive?

LoudingVoice · 18/07/2022 22:26

I would refuse to ever go away with them again after this, how could you ever trust them not to pull this kind of nonsense another time.

Original poster
LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 22:26

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2022 22:22

This WILL NOT be happening

Why on earth not?

Because it’s lying. If FIL wants to pay for house then he should do that. I don’t want everyone else believing DH and I paid when we didn’t.

OP posts:
Dic · 18/07/2022 22:36

Do they just expect you to lose the money for flights and car hire then? I wouldn't do it. I'd still go.

ITakeCharge · 18/07/2022 22:55

Dic · 18/07/2022 22:36

Do they just expect you to lose the money for flights and car hire then? I wouldn't do it. I'd still go.

Absolutely, me too. If you have booked time off work you can't necessarily change it at short notice. If I could find appropriate accommodation I would use my flights and car hire etc and go. I would never agree to a joint trip again with them regardless of offers to pay. I might go to the same place at the same time if I had booked everything completely independently and could go ahead with it regardless of any further antics from them but in reality I would want to limit my time with people who could behave like that.

I understand if she thought one or other of her and FIL couldn't go and she was getting to the deadline for a refund but she really should have let everyone know before cancelling in case somehow part of the group still wanted to go ahead with it. Does she actually realize that even if she gets her refund everyone else loses their money and loses the holiday too? Does she think magically everyone else will get their flights refunded and be able to book a further 2 weeks annual leave to suit her?

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2022 23:12

LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 22:26

Because it’s lying. If FIL wants to pay for house then he should do that. I don’t want everyone else believing DH and I paid when we didn’t.

Show quote history

Oh well, if you’d rather lose your holiday and fuck everyone else’s up as well 🤷‍♀️

WimpoleHat · 18/07/2022 23:12

This scenario is a well known downside/dilemma of a group holiday; if one person books the whole thing and can’t go due to illness, then the whole thing is refundable under most insurance policies. But if it’s their friends who are ill, then the booker is stuck with the cost. And - like here - vice versa - of everyone books their own parts, then they aren’t covered if one person is ill. Arguably, fair enough for MIL to cancel what she can cancel if she can’t go (not without discussion as happened here - but it’s arguable that you shouldn’t expect her to pay for a family holiday she’s not going on. But she sure as hell can’t tell you that you can’t use the parts you’ve stumped up for in good faith yourself, especially given you won’t get a refund.

MargotChateau · 18/07/2022 23:23

Your mil sounds like a self absorbed witch. Robbing all those families of the money they stumped up to attend a now non existent holiday, wasted time off with now no money to rebook somewhere else, and wasted annual leave. I’d let dh organise his own relationship with his mil after this fiasco and have nothing to do with her again.

MargotChateau · 18/07/2022 23:26

Blossomtoes why should op and her dh have to tell lies to cover up the stinking mess her mil left them in?

Hankunamatata · 18/07/2022 23:29

I dont think mil is unreasonable not paying for villa if she cant go. You said you cant afford to split the villa costs so surely only option is to cancel.

MargotChateau · 18/07/2022 23:35

On what planet is reasonable? The children have said they would be happy to stay somewhere cheaper that they can afford, mil would prefer a fancy destination holiday and to get her way, pays for the villa, but the children buy their airfares.

Now the children and grandchildren have lost money on flights and their annual leave because mil is too selfish to make good on the offer SHE wanted. If she had done what the children wanted, a more humble holiday everyone could afford to pay for independently, they would be able to go on holiday regardless of mils covid. Mil was responsible and solely responsible for this fiasco and as such she should be paying.

MrStooo · 18/07/2022 23:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LunaLula83 · 18/07/2022 23:45

But you could have still gone. Send her the bill!

Bringonsummer19 · 18/07/2022 23:57

Wow how frustrating

blubberyboo · 19/07/2022 00:04

Just to be clear, I’m staying well out of it

I don’t think this is the correct course of action. You are an adult with hard earned money going into this and you only get one holiday per year.
MIL needs to hear this from you in a respectful but firm manner. That you will be taking a holiday with or without everyone else and you won’t be losing your money. You can make that clear to her in a calm but firm way. You can also let her know that it might be best if these group holidays don’t happen any more because they obviously don’t work now that the world is different.

it’s up to her if she wants to leave her other kids on the sidelines depressed and missing out. That’s on her not you. She sounds massively controlling and obviously FIL knows it

Blossomtoes · 19/07/2022 00:10

MargotChateau · 18/07/2022 23:26

Blossomtoes why should op and her dh have to tell lies to cover up the stinking mess her mil left them in?

Because they want a holiday and to not lose the cost of the flights and car rental.

Arenanewbie · 19/07/2022 02:07

So she thinks that the best option is for all of you including SIL to lose your money and to be left without any holiday. Bonkers.
I would only plan short weekends away in UK with them from now on if any.

Liorae · 19/07/2022 03:28

surely the sister is losing money on flights too? How the hell does that help her as a mum with 5 kids?
Or maybe the sister is the golden child and her parents secretly pay her flights. Who knows, families are weird.

Liorae · 19/07/2022 03:35

allboysherebutme · 18/07/2022 22:08

I think it's selfish, she should have let you all go with or without her, she's got 15 days probably would have been better by then.
They can obviously afford it otherwise they would not pay every year. X

Perhaps they were able to afford it before but no longer are. It's a bit odd for five adult siblings to accept that kind of holiday subsidy for 10 years.

sallladfiingers · 19/07/2022 03:47

I think the MIL is extremely selfish, and fucking bonkers.

2nd August is two weeks away, even if still testing positive there would be no obligation to isolate as the isolation period would be over!

Whatever her crackpot reasons are, she should have graciously stepped aside and left you all to go on holiday, or looked into changing their flights and joining you later. Or just used her brain and realises none of it needed to be cancelled.

I would be telling them your holiday is still going ahead and make your own hotel/villa plans, and that you won't be allowing them to control your holidays in future. As kind as it is that they offer to pay for accommodation and treat you all, pulling the rug at the last minute is really shitty selfish behaviour.

sallladfiingers · 19/07/2022 03:49

LeafHunter · 18/07/2022 14:19

BIL has spoken to her and she said she’s worried about not being negative and then infecting others on the plane and that it would be more stressful for everyone if she wasn’t there to help look after the grandchildren.

DH has been asked to speak to her as he’s the most logical and closest to her but he won’t be home till 7pm. No idea if it’s possible to un-cancel a house?!

Is everyone incapable of looking after their own kids or is she just blowing her own trumpet?

NumberTheory · 19/07/2022 03:50

Update: DH spoke to her for a long time earlier, and to FIL. They both said they feel responsible for the holiday and that it is for everyone - if they can’t come then there is no one to babysit SIL children etc (only under 5s on the holiday). They think they can claim on insurance and will pay for a short break at half term. They asked (I would assume begged) DH and I not to still go, and to encourage others tho can afford it not to due to some not being able to afford someone else.

DH has mentioned that FIL has offer him the money for a villa rental as long as we say we’ve paid and MIL doesn’t find out it was actually FIL.

This makes it sound like the holiday is a form of power trip for MiL. They pay for it, ensuring everyone goes. No holiday if she’s not there. FiL wanting to pay, but not if MiL finds out.

Is she a bit controlling in other ways or is this truly out of character and MiL would never normally get upset if something she was involved in had to go ahead without her or in a way she had not really wanted?