AIBU to want an orgasm at least once in my life?

[5thHelena]

I may not be posting in the right section but hoping for some supportive responses that might help me get some help or support with this as I have nowhere left to turn now. I'm 51 and I've never had an orgasm. I was married for a long time but after missionary position sex for 30 years my sexual satisfaction (or otherwise) was never up for discussion. I'm now single and beginning to wonder if it will just never happen for me. The trouble is that its a mental block not a physical one. After a very troubled, difficult and as it turns out damaging childhood and adolescence it seems that the 'hyper vigilant' state that I permanently lived in growing up has hardwired my brain to shut my body down when I feel as though I'm heading towards an orgasm. I can become aroused and it feels nice! But at the point where I can feel that my body is ready to let go and explode, I become overwhelmed with the feeling that I am very unsafe. I feel so vulnerable, as though something terrible is going to happen. I've had A LOT of therapy and I know exactly what the problem is. As sexual arousal mimics the physiological experience of fear, once these associations have been forged it can be difficult (impossible in my case) to untangle them. But what do I do now? I've tried meditation, mindfulness, every relaxation activity you can think of, got blind drunk, as I said had endless therapy and done all of my homework like a good girl as instructed. But literally nothing has worked. And I feel like I'm missing out on an amazing experience! I've had a few short term relationships since my divorce and I enjoy sex. I like the skin on skin contact, I like giving and receiving oral, a good snog..all the usual things. But when things start to 'happen' I go into fight or flight mode..actually freeze in my case, and it always turns out the same. I change position or do whatever it takes to ensure those tell tale signals subside. So my question is..
AIBU..its no big deal. You can have a happy and fulfilled relationship without ever having an orgasm
YANBU..damn right its great and you need to get this figured out!

---

If you've found this page in your search of the best sex toys that can help you achieve orgasm and have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for women useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Maybe speak to your GP about a short term course of drugs? Not sure what would work but there's stuff out there that would stop or reduce the physical "fright" symptoms and give you chance to rewire those connections?

Get a rabbit....

what about on your own?

This might be a daft question (apologies if so) but have you tried exploring your body on your own, in a completely safe, locked room?

Yanbu, however I would suggest you get a great vibrator and explore on your own. It’s not very common that people orgasm through sex alone-many people need clitoral stimulation. You can stimulate your foot without a man and see how you go.

Have you tried any vibrators?

Have you tried to orgasm in the bath, the water might be relaxing. Use your fingers or a waterproof vibrator.

Alllll the above. Do it yourself! You are massively missing out.

I don't have the same background of trauma and I wonder if trauma focused therapy like EMDR would help. So I'm sorry if this isn't helpful.

But I did learn to orgasm in a new way aged 49 and what did it was getting very aroused, taking lots of time over several days, and using lots of lube and a vibrator. I was told so many times to 'relax' to achieve an orgasm and frankly that's not true - you need to be tense!

Well it's both isn't it.

damn right its great and you need to get this figured out! but you can have a happy and fulfilled relationship without ever having an orgasm.

But it matters to you so it's something you need to keep trying to find a solution to

Clitoral vibrator, on your own, in your own time, in a safe, warm place. Rabbits never worked for me and it never felt right inserting one. Go onto Mumsnet Recommends and get the Love Honey one. I'd also suggest you read/watch something erotic just before.

Yes I have tried on my own, tried in the bath, used vibrators...everything! Men have been able to nearly get me there. I can nearly get me there. A vibrator can nearly get me there. Then my brain shuts it all down.

@AssignedSlytherinAtBirth I have the love honey one. It starts off feeling great. I'm on the tip of that rollercoaster. Then bam. Same every single time.

A breakthrough for me was having my fingers inside myself while using the vibrator. I was nearly there and felt which muscles were pulling back and stopping me. I then learned to bear down and push through that.

Thank you so much for your responses.. was not expecting so much so quickly!!

I was told so many times to 'relax' to achieve an orgasm and frankly that's not true - you need to be tense!

Absolutely this! I'd been listening to the 'just relax' crappy advice until I read an article in a magazine, aged 30. Its all about tensing up pelvic floor, bum cheeks, etc and then you get a massive release. Lovely.

I won't get the release though. My brain won't allow it

Thank you mouse. The gp is actually the only person I've not discussed this with as I know it's a mental not a physical problem.

Exactly the same outcome

Have you tried having a bit of alcohol??

Definitely stop linking orgasms with sex and relationships (at least for now). Get masturbating, find some erotic fiction such as Literotica website to maybe get you aroused and stop you thinking too much.

My therapist suggested the bath as I told her I love the water and swimming ( although I'd tried in the bath previously many times.) Same outcome

Have you tried masturbating while reading something…..even Jilly Cooper smut scenes. 👍

This is very interesting and really gives me hope. Thank you so much

I also found omgyes to be helpful (if only because it's quite arousing).