AIBU to want an orgasm at least once in my life?

[5thHelena]

I may not be posting in the right section but hoping for some supportive responses that might help me get some help or support with this as I have nowhere left to turn now. I'm 51 and I've never had an orgasm. I was married for a long time but after missionary position sex for 30 years my sexual satisfaction (or otherwise) was never up for discussion. I'm now single and beginning to wonder if it will just never happen for me. The trouble is that its a mental block not a physical one. After a very troubled, difficult and as it turns out damaging childhood and adolescence it seems that the 'hyper vigilant' state that I permanently lived in growing up has hardwired my brain to shut my body down when I feel as though I'm heading towards an orgasm. I can become aroused and it feels nice! But at the point where I can feel that my body is ready to let go and explode, I become overwhelmed with the feeling that I am very unsafe. I feel so vulnerable, as though something terrible is going to happen. I've had A LOT of therapy and I know exactly what the problem is. As sexual arousal mimics the physiological experience of fear, once these associations have been forged it can be difficult (impossible in my case) to untangle them. But what do I do now? I've tried meditation, mindfulness, every relaxation activity you can think of, got blind drunk, as I said had endless therapy and done all of my homework like a good girl as instructed. But literally nothing has worked. And I feel like I'm missing out on an amazing experience! I've had a few short term relationships since my divorce and I enjoy sex. I like the skin on skin contact, I like giving and receiving oral, a good snog..all the usual things. But when things start to 'happen' I go into fight or flight mode..actually freeze in my case, and it always turns out the same. I change position or do whatever it takes to ensure those tell tale signals subside. So my question is..
AIBU..its no big deal. You can have a happy and fulfilled relationship without ever having an orgasm
YANBU..damn right its great and you need to get this figured out!

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If you've found this page in your search of the best sex toys that can help you achieve orgasm and have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for women useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

@QuebecBagnet thank you yes I've been reading erotic fiction. My therapist told me to order My Secret Garden which I did but always the same outcome.

When I eventually got there it had taken 90 minutes, just to say.

Thank you so much I'll definitely check this out

I'd do it for 90 hours if it worked!

Try a rabbit

I certainly have. I've been sober, tipsy and blind drunk. Always the same!

Music might work. I've a very busy brain and so often need to play music to really switch off and get myself there.

I thought that that vunerable-as-if-something-terrible-is-going-to-happen feeling just before orgasm is normal, but maybe I am the unusual one. To me it is quite a horrible feeling and it takes quite a lot of psychological gymastics for me to be able to let go enough to get through it.

I get the sense you have conditioned yourself to believe that your brain will shut down your ability to go over the edge, therefore it will, sort of idea.

Have you discussed the problem with any of your sexual partners since? Once you find a pattern of stimulation that gets you aroused sometimes you have to keep the same movement and pressure going for longer than you would think, and a loving partner enjoy working on this with you if you could get the dynamics right so that there was no pressure.

The other suggestion that comes to mind is to try a wand vibrator.

Trip to Amsterdam and a large spliff? Might allow you to disconnect and at least you'll get to see some nice art if it doesn't work

Don't give up, OP, you are nearly there.

It will happen - especially with a good vibrator and lubricants.

Keep persevering.
The LoveHoney bullet is a great vibrator to have a go with if you haven't got one already.

I can manage in my own and have a couple of times come close receiving oral but never quite got there. It makes me a bit sad to be honest

Have you tried surfing waves of pleasure and accepting the waves come and go, and shelving the idea of climax? It might help just to reframe it as sexy time, you, nice food, nice drink,perfume,bath, oils, erotica, vibrators, and waves of excitement. Just wave after wave, ebbing and flowing. Not running for a finish line required. Savour the rise of excitement and breathe into it,and let it subside . No chasing!

Hmm. Is there a place where you feel safe? Or can you imagine a place where you might feel safe, and then try to recreate it? Or perhaps when you have just woken up and are still feeling a bit warm and sleepy?

Oh thank god! I'm not alone!! I'm so reassured to read this! And it seems like those mental gymnastics you're talking of are the thing I'm going to have to try and get to grips with. I'm going to have to 'unhardwire' my head. I'm just not sure how. And no I've not discussed it with any guys I've been seeing. It didn't seem appropriate as they were not serious relationships.. just a bit of fun really. I'm hoping that at some point when I meet the right one they might be able to help me through it?
Thank you so much for your response

These are all great ideas, but I just wanted to give a different view on orgasm, I had sex for years with different partners not realising I hadn’t had an orgasm, as I was young and everyone said they had so I just assumed I had too and it was the intense feelings emotionally I’d feel while having sex. I think I was about a year or two into a relationship when I did have one with my now husband. He was shocked I’d never had one and I didn’t know because why would I? Sex felt good, there was definitely pleasure. I could quite happily have continued and enjoyed life without it. Maybe thinking about being able to enjoy everything sex brings without orgasm will give you a safe space to feel comfortable and it may come when you least expect it.

^^ That!

What's with the rabbits? Do you mean actual live animals 😳

I’m sure you’ve tried this, and I’m sure it’s been said.
go to a room alone, drink 2 glasses of wine, rub your clit until you come.

Have you ever heard of yoni massage? I hadn’t until recently, and was quite shocked by it but have a google as it can be a way for people who’ve experienced trauma to learn how to relax their vaginal muscles as so much tension can be held there. Caveat I’ve never had one and likely never will but I can totally believe that it could work! Worth a look anyway! Like a special sexual therapist / masseuse - aim not to bring you to orgasm, it’s jot a happy ending!

Have you tried taking a sleeping tablet before hand? Obviously not in the bath or anything but maybe after a bath, get into bed take the tablet, have a read and when you start feeling sleepy give it a go?

Maybe trying to take your brain out of it might help.

I love this perspective thank you so much. Like you I thought I must have had one in my younger days but it was those 'nice' feelings that I was having and after talking to friends/ reading cosmo etc etc it dawned on my that I hadn't. I hope you're right!

Womaniser.

I think that's a great idea. I can see how it might help...!

Have you tried diazepam?

No I've never heard of it but will DEFINITELY look into it... thank you!!