AIBU to want an orgasm at least once in my life?

[5thHelena]

I may not be posting in the right section but hoping for some supportive responses that might help me get some help or support with this as I have nowhere left to turn now. I'm 51 and I've never had an orgasm. I was married for a long time but after missionary position sex for 30 years my sexual satisfaction (or otherwise) was never up for discussion. I'm now single and beginning to wonder if it will just never happen for me. The trouble is that its a mental block not a physical one. After a very troubled, difficult and as it turns out damaging childhood and adolescence it seems that the 'hyper vigilant' state that I permanently lived in growing up has hardwired my brain to shut my body down when I feel as though I'm heading towards an orgasm. I can become aroused and it feels nice! But at the point where I can feel that my body is ready to let go and explode, I become overwhelmed with the feeling that I am very unsafe. I feel so vulnerable, as though something terrible is going to happen. I've had A LOT of therapy and I know exactly what the problem is. As sexual arousal mimics the physiological experience of fear, once these associations have been forged it can be difficult (impossible in my case) to untangle them. But what do I do now? I've tried meditation, mindfulness, every relaxation activity you can think of, got blind drunk, as I said had endless therapy and done all of my homework like a good girl as instructed. But literally nothing has worked. And I feel like I'm missing out on an amazing experience! I've had a few short term relationships since my divorce and I enjoy sex. I like the skin on skin contact, I like giving and receiving oral, a good snog..all the usual things. But when things start to 'happen' I go into fight or flight mode..actually freeze in my case, and it always turns out the same. I change position or do whatever it takes to ensure those tell tale signals subside. So my question is..
AIBU..its no big deal. You can have a happy and fulfilled relationship without ever having an orgasm
YANBU..damn right its great and you need to get this figured out!

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If you've found this page in your search of the best sex toys that can help you achieve orgasm and have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for women useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

I haven't. Do you think it might help?

OP, please please please buy a Satisfyer from SelfAndMore. I don't know anyone this doesn't work for, totally different to a vibrator and so much better.

I love this and I can completely see where you're coming from. It really does make sense as a way of taking the pressure off. Thank you

YW -- it really only just occurred to me that maybe it isn't typical to feel like that(!) I am trying to work out how to describe how I get through it, it is a strange sort of letting go without letting go feeling but there's definitely a barrier there.

The right partner would be happy to help, I would have thought, if you can get the conversation right so that they do not view it as some sort of pressurised goal and more as a way of trying something for you. The suggestions upthread to forget about orgasm as the goal and focus on the waves of pleasure makes sense to me too.

Good luck

Not heard of it.. will certainly look into it thank you

I am honestly so grateful to you lovely ladies taking time out of your Saturday night to write such thoughtful and helpful responses. I'm taking notes with a glass of wine

Is that you, Brian?

@erinaceus thank you loads

I feel like I am nearly there.. which is why it's all so frustrating!! But thank you.. I'll keep trying

I just want to pop in among the hordes of suggestions and say yes, it is perfectly possible to be have successful happy relationships without orgasms. I've never had an orgasm, my physiology doesn't seem wired for it somehow, and I still find sex incredibly pleasurable and have been with my husband 10 years this year.

Might very well come to that!!

Hey OP,

I've been were you are with a similar background. I find it very hard to relax enough to orgasm. At the last minute my brain doesn't let me.

I found reading erotic literature as above also you can find it at AO3 - An Archive of Our Own. It doesn't show up on anything as they are stories. I found I had to figure out what worked for me.

Using vibrators (how ridiculous that iPhone suggested everything but) can be helpful, I didn't find so but visit love honey and the packing is discreet.

What finally worked for me is knowing what I like and being able to tell my partner. Also being able to share when it isn't going ti happen for me and that's ok too.

Agree with Diazepam suggestion. Alcohol is less good, as it makes it more difficult to orgasm.

I don't have any female friends who reach orgasm through PIV sex, btw.

There are some great suggestions here.

Hi OP, I'm tempted to try some of the tips here too... not much to add other than a, the right kind of shower head on the right kind of setting works better than most sex toys in my experience, and b, I've occasionally used xanax against anxiety arising from childhood trauma, and found that it helped me reconnect with my body.

Actually one more thing - the testosterone boost while pregnant with a boy did a lot for my ability to experience sexual pleasure. Though you may have to claim to be trans to get a prescription.... all the best.

BTW, an electric toothbrush (without the brushing head) is very effective.

I also had this vunerable-as-if-something-terrible-is-going-to-happen feeling I could never get past from the age of 18 when I lost my virginity until probably 24. I just cast my mind back to how I got through it and do you know, I think it was smoking weed! My now DH used to like a little bit now and then and I decided to try it with him. We had both realised for about a year that I had this mental block and we had sex whilst high and I came for the first time (we used a vibrator during sex). TMI but I realised I ejaculate when I orgasm which I think caused some of that weird feeling I used to get. After trying a few times with weed I eventually just seemed to be able to do it sober.

There's a part of your subconscious which is preventing you from orgasming - likely something buried in your childhood (not sexual; maybe you got told off for something trivial like a laughing fit that caused you to lose control, wet yourself and you were made to feel embarrassed about it?). So that part allows your body to get so far and then shuts you down, as its learnt that's the correct thing to do. Turning off - or more accurately re-educating that part of your mind - will solve the problem.

Had a very highly sexed girlfriend who was prescribed SSRIs during our relationship due to some very challenging events in her life. Having previously enjoyed multiple orgasms when lovemaking, she became unable to climax.
The vibrator alone didn't always deliver the desired result.
The ultimate solution was 30 or 40 minutes of PIV before switching to her vibrator which enabled her to come.
Perhaps some pampering and self-indulgence to build some momentum with mechanical assistance to take you over the line.
Good luck.

NHS should prescribe these

I’m surprised at the number of people suggesting means of achieving an orgasm - like rabbits, bullets, satisfyers, etc, etc, like they’re some sort is silver bullet (no pun intended).

The OP’s issue is not that she can’t orgasm physically, it’s that her mind won’t let her.

What difference is a rabbit or a satisfyer going to make, if once she gets close to orgasm, she needs to turn it off to protect herself?

Such suggestions - although well meant - aren’t going to help, if the barrier is actually allowing herself to go over the top.

I don’t have any constructive suggestions OP, but I do absolutely recognise that feeling from the first time I orgasmed. I don’t have any trauma in my background, so it didn’t stop me. But I do think that feeling is well within the realms of ‘normal’.

All the best.

The ultimate solution was 30 or 40 minutes of PIV

That sounds appealing.

Not. 🥱

@RenegadeMatron thank you so much

I know exactly what it is I've had A LOT of therapy. It's what to do about it that has me kind of stuck.

I'd also look at "alternative" methods such as a spliff (I never tried that but ex made a bong for me once and I enjoyed that night's activities!) or mdma/ecstasy. But with the latter I'd only do it with a sober partner so I felt safe. I never take drugs and am extremely cautious.

MDMA is being trialled successfully in certain trauma therapies (as in in conjunction with, not simply popping an ecstasy pill!) and from what I've read about how it makes you feel, it may be something to look into as a last resort in your situation. Obviously always best not to do things that are illegal in the U.K. but go somewhere laws aren't being broken. 😎

Re yoni massage mentioned above, there's a "de-armouring" technique. It's about emotional release rather than specifically bringing pleasure. I've spoken to women who've found it helpful but don't know it personally.