AIBU to want an orgasm at least once in my life?

[5thHelena]

I may not be posting in the right section but hoping for some supportive responses that might help me get some help or support with this as I have nowhere left to turn now. I'm 51 and I've never had an orgasm. I was married for a long time but after missionary position sex for 30 years my sexual satisfaction (or otherwise) was never up for discussion. I'm now single and beginning to wonder if it will just never happen for me. The trouble is that its a mental block not a physical one. After a very troubled, difficult and as it turns out damaging childhood and adolescence it seems that the 'hyper vigilant' state that I permanently lived in growing up has hardwired my brain to shut my body down when I feel as though I'm heading towards an orgasm. I can become aroused and it feels nice! But at the point where I can feel that my body is ready to let go and explode, I become overwhelmed with the feeling that I am very unsafe. I feel so vulnerable, as though something terrible is going to happen. I've had A LOT of therapy and I know exactly what the problem is. As sexual arousal mimics the physiological experience of fear, once these associations have been forged it can be difficult (impossible in my case) to untangle them. But what do I do now? I've tried meditation, mindfulness, every relaxation activity you can think of, got blind drunk, as I said had endless therapy and done all of my homework like a good girl as instructed. But literally nothing has worked. And I feel like I'm missing out on an amazing experience! I've had a few short term relationships since my divorce and I enjoy sex. I like the skin on skin contact, I like giving and receiving oral, a good snog..all the usual things. But when things start to 'happen' I go into fight or flight mode..actually freeze in my case, and it always turns out the same. I change position or do whatever it takes to ensure those tell tale signals subside. So my question is..
AIBU..its no big deal. You can have a happy and fulfilled relationship without ever having an orgasm
YANBU..damn right its great and you need to get this figured out!

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If you've found this page in your search of the best sex toys that can help you achieve orgasm and have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for women useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Music?

I was on Brian's thread and was laughing so much! Must search it out to read again one day.

I agree these responses are amazing and honestly just incredibly helpful! I have read and re read all of them. If I ever get there I will post here and we can all celebrate together

I had to learn to 'yield' . I was mentally resistant to what felt like the loss of control when i could feel like the orgasm was coming.

btw i also had to learn to yield to sleep- I was resistant in the very same way

I haven't read all of the thread sorry and don't know if someone has suggested this but apparently the womaniser sex toy can give you an orgasm when other toys can't - seriously look into it as it's meant to have changed a lot of people's lives.

Maybe it isnt a mental problem though op. Maybe it is physical.
If you can get 95% there but not the actual part...
I would definitely raise it with my gp. Asap. Life it too short 😉

The satisfyer might work...I've had similar experience to you previously. But the satisfyer is so intense I didn't even have time to pull back so to speak.. my orgasm sort of sneaked up on me. It is incredible...

Oh and check out cranial sacral therapy. Expensive as shit. And it isnt western medicine. But.... worth a shot :)!!

I also would do loads of things to try to feel secure like - pick a time in advance, make sure all of the doors and windows are locked and check them, switch off all phones (not just on silent, off), make sure you're well fed, well hydrated, cut out all caffeine, wear socks (that's meant to make a big difference), have load of cushions or a cuddly duvet or anything that makes you feel safe, I'd even try sitting with my back to the door honestly... will have another think about this and come back if I can think of anything else. I hope you figure it out and good luck xx

Therapy and/or a magic wand / lelo wand. Or Another decent vibrator.

Get a clit sucker toy like a satisfyer pro, OP. You wont have a choice in the matter.

@Summerof22 @SylviasMotherSaid when I was pregnant I regularly woke up having an orgasm. No fancy dreams needed, I assumed it was the increased blood flow to the area, that was a fun part of pregnancy 😂

You need to try it on your own. If your not psychologically ready to release to a partner, do try it for yourself. Sex toy usually works. Perhaps 30 years of missionary with no pleasure for yourself being allowed is psychologically restricting you. Like in the back of your mind you are telling yourself its not allowed, hence why you cannot have a release. It might take a few goes, dont give up :)

Also see omgyes website

I had the same problem. I had the satisfyer that people have recommended. It's strong and took me to the edge very easily but I would then automatically move it away. Even though I consciously wanted my hand and the vibrator to stay down there, I couldn't stop myself from moving it away just as I reached that point.

What finally worked for me was having a very relaxing evening with a partner I trusted. My partner then held the satisfyer for me. I told him that I knew my body would probably try to move away when I got close to orgasm but he needed to hold it there unless I actually said stop.

After that first orgasm the mental block lifted. It's not completely gone and sometimes I can't orgasm even when I know physically I could. But I can now orgasm without someone holding a vibrator down.

I hope so too!
Have you looked in a mirror and tried retracting your clitoral hood? Maybe if you get the actual clit it will do the trick. Fingers crossed op

@Solidarityovercharity that's interesting - how did you learn to yield?

Have a look for a somatic sex therapist - they work with your body to release trauma with a specialism in sexual difficulties. While the problem might be psychological, working with your body will help release the body-mind connection. They have a clear ethical framework and are used to working with trauma, and can help you require things, so to speak.

rewire, not require

@WinterDeWinter by realising that mentally I needed to yield, to surrender, I started to learn how to do it. It took some time. Kind of like telling myself, don't be scared, now go over the top

Try putting on isochronic tones for orgasm on youtube. Sounds like hocus pocus but it can actually help

Just to say be cautious with EMDR, it's best for one off traumas, and needs to be adapted by an expert if used for long term childhood trauma, otherwise in can be destabilising as it tends to break down too many protective barriers all at once.

I was like you, I would get close and then freeze, I felt overcome by terror. It was very distressing.

God I wish I knew what to tell you to solve it, I think it might have been when I had an inexperienced partner and I felt much more in control.

Also EMDR. Magical.

@5thHelena Have you tried visualisation? You can do it on your own or with a hypnotist/NLP practitioner. You literally have to visualise yourself having an orgasm: really concentrate on the details to make it feel as real as possible. For example if you imagine lying on your bed, think about how your bedding feels on your body. Think about you’re warm or cold, think about how your hands feel on your body etc. Think about all your senses - everything you hear, see, smell, feel, taste. Dwell on how you feel in the build up (as you have experienced it), then finally imagine the orgasm. Visualise it being joyous in every way. Spend time doing it over and over again, over a period of time.
Done well, visualisation will create false memories in your brain. The result is that when you’re in the situation in reality (that you have thought about all those times) your brain will behave in the same way as it ‘remembers’ it did before. In your case as you start approaching orgasm, your brain will ‘think’ it remembers it and how good it feels and override your fear response.
I truly hope it works for you. I’ve used it to overcome ingrained fear in several settings and it has really worked for me.
Good luck! 🍀

rabbitbor satisfyer pro 2 and let your mind wander to tour dirtiest fmantasies. I've been orgasming daily since I was 16, I sincerely hope you will orgasm. No woman should be deprived of this. x