AIBU to want an orgasm at least once in my life?

[5thHelena]

I may not be posting in the right section but hoping for some supportive responses that might help me get some help or support with this as I have nowhere left to turn now. I'm 51 and I've never had an orgasm. I was married for a long time but after missionary position sex for 30 years my sexual satisfaction (or otherwise) was never up for discussion. I'm now single and beginning to wonder if it will just never happen for me. The trouble is that its a mental block not a physical one. After a very troubled, difficult and as it turns out damaging childhood and adolescence it seems that the 'hyper vigilant' state that I permanently lived in growing up has hardwired my brain to shut my body down when I feel as though I'm heading towards an orgasm. I can become aroused and it feels nice! But at the point where I can feel that my body is ready to let go and explode, I become overwhelmed with the feeling that I am very unsafe. I feel so vulnerable, as though something terrible is going to happen. I've had A LOT of therapy and I know exactly what the problem is. As sexual arousal mimics the physiological experience of fear, once these associations have been forged it can be difficult (impossible in my case) to untangle them. But what do I do now? I've tried meditation, mindfulness, every relaxation activity you can think of, got blind drunk, as I said had endless therapy and done all of my homework like a good girl as instructed. But literally nothing has worked. And I feel like I'm missing out on an amazing experience! I've had a few short term relationships since my divorce and I enjoy sex. I like the skin on skin contact, I like giving and receiving oral, a good snog..all the usual things. But when things start to 'happen' I go into fight or flight mode..actually freeze in my case, and it always turns out the same. I change position or do whatever it takes to ensure those tell tale signals subside. So my question is..
AIBU..its no big deal. You can have a happy and fulfilled relationship without ever having an orgasm
YANBU..damn right its great and you need to get this figured out!

---

If you've found this page in your search of the best sex toys that can help you achieve orgasm and have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for women useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Haven't read all the replies but did see you have tried vibrators. I was reading reviews on Amazon for the clitoral suction things (Womaniser is the branded one) and there were a lot of people who said that they had their first orgasm from one. Lots say it is much much quicker than a vibrator, or that the orgasm came out of nowhere/unexpectedly with a much shorter or no build up, so I wonder if it is worth a go, because you might be able to manage it before your have time to think about stopping it? I noticed Amazon is significantly cheaper than Lovehoney etc at £25. Maybe a fake, but reviews are still good. I'd suggest a couple of drinks beforehand but not so much you are drunk.

Honestly..

I've done almost every drug you can imagine (not you know, in the 15 years since my heart problem dx... im not THAT stupid).

I do not think that drugs or alcohol are the way forward - if your issue is around feeling vulnerable and out of control then something that takes control away from you is really not the answer - some of the things people have suggested will make you feel out of control and absolutely unable to regain it!

Stop trying to achieve orgasm.

Forget that for now.

Start learning about your body, explore it properly, with toys if you want, whatever you feel comfy with.

Learn what goes where, trace the roots of your clitoris, explore your folds and muscles, see what they can do, different angles, different pressures, what can you squeeze and tense, push or relax..

Learn to control the waves of pleasure, ride them rather than trying to crash over the top of them.

When you're ready to let go, you will.. but it will be controlled, it wont be something that takes over it and just happens will be something you drive and control!

Are you definitely straight OP?

It's all about what you're thinking about at the time, OP. Imagine something....

Have you tried watching porn?

This won't sound appealing or particularly pleasant at first but I always find it much easier when I'm on my period...

I have the same problem. It's so frustrating but I feel I'm getting closer. The trick for me is fresh batteries in a rabbit on the clit. I had a glass of wine and a spliff this afternoon and went to it. I was soooo close but my brain just says stop. I'm bloody determined to have one though. I've always felt so sad that I'm missing something I know I'll really enjoy.

I've just bought a Womaniser - fingers crossed!

Hey OP I also had a traumatic childhood and rarely had an orgasm until I was in my 40s and know exactly what you mean about the mental shutdown. What worked for me was finding a partner who absolutely adored me and made me feel very safe. I still can’t cum if I’m anxious about other shit. I often cry or have a tension headache afterwards.

have you looked at Betty Dodson method. Trying totally new method helped me get out of my head, and I also find it help to focus on the fact I am safe and loved when I’m stuck in my head

Get a decent vibrator.
You won’t fail to achieve one.

Enjoy Op.

Lay off the booze and the splif - if it’s just you and your toy.
Might help.

Sorry OP, just realised you’ve tried a lot of things.

I hope you achieve one - I have nothing really to add to the great advice on here and I wish you well.

It might not be only psychological. Certain medications can affect your ability to orgasm. Especially antidepressants.

Visualisation as a pp said, would really help op!

I think you need one of my stories. Happy to help 😊

Have you tried watching some soft porn whilst using a vibrator? Maybe watch for a little while first before using the vibrator.

On your own total darkness, think of a sexy scenario. Once your on your way and the feelings start, grab the tingle in your mind and imagine it growing, it will go but just keep grabbing it and you will get there x

Hello OP
I cant relate to your issues, however I like to be helpful 😀

Have you heard of "yoni mapping"?

I've had it done with this woman, in NZ. I only post her details so you can read about her offering, maybe contact her and ask her if she knows of anyone in Europe that she can recommend to you. I had one session with her, more out of curiosity, I learnt a couple of things about my anatomy. The idea is that you don't orgasm, rather that another woman points out your pleasurable areas and if there are tense bits inside, they can work on those too!

www.yonimappingtherapy.com/ylia/

Do you ever try again straight away? Orgasm denial can be a way of building intensity - going to the edge and pulling back, until you get to the point where you just can’t stop.

For now, you could arouse yourself, knowing and accepting that you’re pulling back. Maybe ease back before it gets too much, then

You need to get out of your own head and I reckon almost every woman has almost been there had a conscious thought and then bam its gone. Must be awful to happen every time.
This might help, lock your bedroom door make sure it's dark. Find an exotic scene ( in a film if you don't like porn) put it on your phone and put headphones in and just listen to the audio. Visually looking at stuff can guilt you or make you feel indifferent. So just the audio on your headphones and be in the moment with the sound of pleasure and use a vibrator.
Worth a try and hope it helps

Have you tried lying face down? Having your 'back to the world' and your weight pressing down might help you feel more secure. The same with being fully clothed or having something cover your face like the bed covers. There was a woman on a documentary that could only orgasm when facing into a corner. I'm thinking if you let the inner child hide however feels right she might let the adult get on with things.

Another vote for a spliff. It heightens the sensations and you'll be relaxed enough to let go.

David Tennant does it for me! not literally 🤣 I hope mrs Tennant doesn't mind.

Can people actually get there after alcohol. It's the worst thing imo. Maybe hungover.

I struggle after alcohol. It deadens the sensation. Or I will cum and I will feel the orgasm with the pulsations but there's minimal pleasure involved. Always best sober.