AIBU to want an orgasm at least once in my life?

[5thHelena]

I may not be posting in the right section but hoping for some supportive responses that might help me get some help or support with this as I have nowhere left to turn now. I'm 51 and I've never had an orgasm. I was married for a long time but after missionary position sex for 30 years my sexual satisfaction (or otherwise) was never up for discussion. I'm now single and beginning to wonder if it will just never happen for me. The trouble is that its a mental block not a physical one. After a very troubled, difficult and as it turns out damaging childhood and adolescence it seems that the 'hyper vigilant' state that I permanently lived in growing up has hardwired my brain to shut my body down when I feel as though I'm heading towards an orgasm. I can become aroused and it feels nice! But at the point where I can feel that my body is ready to let go and explode, I become overwhelmed with the feeling that I am very unsafe. I feel so vulnerable, as though something terrible is going to happen. I've had A LOT of therapy and I know exactly what the problem is. As sexual arousal mimics the physiological experience of fear, once these associations have been forged it can be difficult (impossible in my case) to untangle them. But what do I do now? I've tried meditation, mindfulness, every relaxation activity you can think of, got blind drunk, as I said had endless therapy and done all of my homework like a good girl as instructed. But literally nothing has worked. And I feel like I'm missing out on an amazing experience! I've had a few short term relationships since my divorce and I enjoy sex. I like the skin on skin contact, I like giving and receiving oral, a good snog..all the usual things. But when things start to 'happen' I go into fight or flight mode..actually freeze in my case, and it always turns out the same. I change position or do whatever it takes to ensure those tell tale signals subside. So my question is..
AIBU..its no big deal. You can have a happy and fulfilled relationship without ever having an orgasm
YANBU..damn right its great and you need to get this figured out!

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If you've found this page in your search of the best sex toys that can help you achieve orgasm and have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for women useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Oh yes I had missed the anti-depressants. They will absolutely bugger up any chance of an orgasm.

Its an intensely frustrating experience where you're SO bloody close but you just cannot. I gave up, I decided id rather be depressed but have orgasms, as the lack of orgasms was far MORE depressing than my bloody brain chemistry!

I can still orgasm on SSRIs, lots can, especially a low dose. Depression doesn't exactly make sex easier either.

OP, it’s possibly the sertraline!

I was prescribed it, and it took away my ability to orgasm. I’d get so far, and then it felt like my brain physically hit a ceiling and could go no further. So odd.

I was straight back to the GP, and got Citalopram instead! Bugger that for a game of soldiers!

I should add, I’m fine on Citalopram.

Just sending solidarity, what you're describing is exactly my experience. I also know why I probably have issues but have never managed to get my own head!

My mam has never experienced an orgasim, she is 92. Think it may be a little late now. And yes, I asked

Thanks everyone for getting back to me. The thing is though I've had this orgasm issue for years before I started taking the sertraline.

@Horriblewoman I'm sorry we're in the same predicament 🤨

@5thHelena I also found SSRI causes this block. The other way around to you, though, I was taking the SSRI since before I became sexually active so I did not realise that the SSRI was causal in the anorgasmia until I took a break from it.

Coming off it made a big difference.

Honestly I would try to get out of your own head with this. I think all the therapy/thinking about your trauma may mean you're standing in your own way.

I would consider: locking the door, making sure you're somewhere very safe in your own space.

Forget trying this with a partner, it's something you need to learn to do for yourself.

Lots of visualisation. Picturing yourself having an orgasm and it feeling great, I also find visualising scenarios I find arousing really helps during masturbation.

Forget trying to reach orgasm. Just focus on waves of sensation and gently riding them. If you feel you are getting close and then shut down don't completely stop, have a break then start again. I'd use a bullet vibrator but lots of hand stimulation first.

Don't give up, just focus on pleasuring yourself and feeling sensual.

You absolutely can do this, OP.... I'm rooting for you. I don't have the same experience but recently hve learned to orgasm through penatrative sex.... having spent 20 years believing that I couldn't! So it is possible, with perseverence and being gentle with yourself.

Sorry to hijack @ThreeRingCircus now that is something i would love to learn...

@ThreeRingCircus believe me I've tried. On the one hand I've been told mindfulness is the way to go ( so did all the mindfulness tasks set by counsellor.) On the other I've been told that is the worst possible approach and detachment is the way to go. However none of the counselling I've had has suggested visualisation and I can see how that could really work. Some of the responses on here have honestly been more useful than all of my many therapy sessions and I'm still coming back to them often.

How have you achieved this through penetrative sex? I am with a new partner and unable to orgasm through oral and vaginal and it's starting to become an issue between us☹️

Were you able to before Ijust?

No, only by myself. Previous partners couldn't have cared less whether I came or not. But this new one really wants it to be about both of us.

I have never had issues reaching orgasm - apart from when I’ve been on sertraline. Even then I managed it but a lot less regularly and it was very hard work getting there! Anorgasmia is a very common side effect of SSRIs. I hear what you say about not being able to orgasm before you were taking them, but I believe the sertraline might well be making an already difficult task much more so.

Thank you @BrownTableMat. I'm almost off them now.. I'm withdrawing really slowly but should be off them by the end of the week. Hopefully that might help me 👍

I saw this and the about you @5thHelena www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5tGsLjPdkrdmSlMp8d2txJw/four-ways-women-can-bridge-the-orgasm-gap

Thanks so much @Mumteedum that is really useful and actually makes a lot of sense 👍

No worries. Also if you can bear it, Netflix has this...

www.netflix.com/gb/title/80244690?s=a&trkid=13747225&t=cp&vlang=en&clip=81082985

Episode on female pleasure.

Hey wonderful ladies of mumsnet thank you so much for all the wonderful help support and advice that you've given me... I appreciate it so much! I'm not sure if any of you are still following this and I know it's a really big ask... but it's dawned on me that I'm going to struggle a bit with visualisation as I don't know what it is I'm visualising if that makes sense. It's hard to get past the feeling that it's going to hurt or scare me. Is there anyone out there who could give me some tips as to where to start with visualising this experience that is apparently so wonderful but the thought of which just seems so daunting and in all honesty a bit terrifying!

I visualize a kaleidoscope of colors. Blue greens purple fuchsia etc.

I focus on my fantasy. It feels so real it's as though I'm actually there viewing it. When I actually come I see flowers buds opening and closing, or waves lapping on a beach with each contraction.

Thank you both. I'm not keen on that word contraction it sounds like childbirth