AIBU to want an orgasm at least once in my life?

[5thHelena]

I may not be posting in the right section but hoping for some supportive responses that might help me get some help or support with this as I have nowhere left to turn now. I'm 51 and I've never had an orgasm. I was married for a long time but after missionary position sex for 30 years my sexual satisfaction (or otherwise) was never up for discussion. I'm now single and beginning to wonder if it will just never happen for me. The trouble is that its a mental block not a physical one. After a very troubled, difficult and as it turns out damaging childhood and adolescence it seems that the 'hyper vigilant' state that I permanently lived in growing up has hardwired my brain to shut my body down when I feel as though I'm heading towards an orgasm. I can become aroused and it feels nice! But at the point where I can feel that my body is ready to let go and explode, I become overwhelmed with the feeling that I am very unsafe. I feel so vulnerable, as though something terrible is going to happen. I've had A LOT of therapy and I know exactly what the problem is. As sexual arousal mimics the physiological experience of fear, once these associations have been forged it can be difficult (impossible in my case) to untangle them. But what do I do now? I've tried meditation, mindfulness, every relaxation activity you can think of, got blind drunk, as I said had endless therapy and done all of my homework like a good girl as instructed. But literally nothing has worked. And I feel like I'm missing out on an amazing experience! I've had a few short term relationships since my divorce and I enjoy sex. I like the skin on skin contact, I like giving and receiving oral, a good snog..all the usual things. But when things start to 'happen' I go into fight or flight mode..actually freeze in my case, and it always turns out the same. I change position or do whatever it takes to ensure those tell tale signals subside. So my question is..
AIBU..its no big deal. You can have a happy and fulfilled relationship without ever having an orgasm
YANBU..damn right its great and you need to get this figured out!

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Wow you guys are incredible! What a huge range of responses and suggestions. I feel very listened to and supported so thank you so much everyone who's posted. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone in this! Some of your suggestions I have already tried but perhaps with a bit of tweaking or with a fresh approach they might work in the future. Some of you really have hit the nail on the head. Yes I'm too much in my own head and yes it's my inner child causing a lot of this ( all of it?) but bloody hell she's persistent!! I do enjoy porn ( well one particular aspect of it anyway) but have laid off it for a few months now. I am very open minded and will try anything... even wearing socks?! A spliff might help but wouldn't know how to get hold of one ( I would have many moons ago.) I'm definitely going to research the many specific suggestions on here, ie yoni mapping and different kinds of therapy I haven't tried yet.
I am honestly so relieved to read how many other options there are which I haven't yet tried. I'm going to have a lazy Sunday looking into everything that's been written here that is new to me.
Thanks again to everyone who has shared such personal experiences and made me feel that there is still hope for me. Hopefully there will come a time when this will happen whether I manage it all on my tod or with the help of a loving partner as some of you have talked about.
Thanks again all of you I really do appreciate everyone of you.
And yes I am straight.

🤣 It does all happen very quickly. Best to keep your pants on too, as it's a bit much otherwise. Has the advantage that you can pretend you're just brushing your teeth if you're in the house with other people and you fancy a quick bit of self-maintenance.

I didn't quite get the resistance bit until you mentioned sleep. My body won't yield to sleep sometimes. I can feel myself blocking the feeling of drifting off. It drives me nuts that I'm so tired, am drifting off and then my own body won't allow it. So I now get it op. It's worth persevering tho 😉💃🙌💣💥

Definitely second the advice to tense up. You will never get there being all relaxed. So many muscles need to tense to do this, and forcing yourself to remain relaxed is overriding the instinct to tense up, which probably instigates fight or flight even without trauma.

With my muscles tensed (pelvic floor, buttocks, thighs... even pointing your toes can help) I can get myself there in under 30 seconds with direct clitoral stimulation. If I followed the flowery advice of set the mood with music, candles, relax, use a dildo (which I'm sure is written by men as they can't believe it feels good for women without any kind of penis), I would never get there. Never. I don't want to romance myself!

There's no right or wrong way to stimulate yourself. You will know by now what it is that makes you approach orgasm. Have you ever tried edging? That's often recommended for people who find it difficult to let go. The theory is simple- that biology wins. That after bringing yourself close to orgasm enough times, your body will be so frustrated and so flooded with hormones that you'll keep going and get over that edge.

And I recommend porn- find the genre that works for you. There are some producers that hold short interviews with the performers before and afterwards so that they can confirm they are not being coerced, they are being paid and they're choosing this profession. Some people are massively more visual than imagination based when it comes to arousing imagery, so pornography can have a part to play.

YANBU to want to experience it, and to try whatever it takes. I wish you all the best.

I've only ever spoken about orgasms with a small group of very close friends. It's something seldom discussed, but I've never heard someone say they never had one.

I really don't have any specific advice, but do you have a sister that you could talk to about her experience? There might be a genetic component. I could speak with my sister about it. Or maybe your Mum? I did not have such a close relationship with her though, so would not.

Rampant Rabbits. The sex toys ffs

Are you taking any SSRIs or SNRIs OP? They make it very difficult to orgasm.

I am sure that the neurologists will say this isn't accurate but I think you have to work at being able to orgasm it isn't something that just "happens".

When I was younger it did take me a lot of trying on my own to get there. Once it finally happened and my brain had made the connections and got into the habit of it it all became a lot easier.

I wonder if you just need to do it one your own lots and lots and lots - daily! And eventually you might click - and then your brain my go "aha! I know where this is supposed to be going!" next time.

and so on until it becomes quite easy.

Get a Lelo vibrator, they are bloody amazing

I'm very aware that it's something that needs working at. It's what I've been doing for years

@hangonsnoopy yes I've been taking sertraline for a long time but have managed to get it down to a very low dose. I have thought about this but have had this issue for many years..

I just looked at the Betty Dodson website after the suggestion upthread and it is great! Definitely worth a read

Thanks klouds. I do have a sister I'm very close to and have wondered if she might have the same issue but I just can't bring myself to talk to her about it, although we do discuss the trauma of our shared childhood. I've never told anyone apart from counsellors/ therapists and even then I find it extremely difficult to talk about. I have bottled it up for so many years I feel like I'm being ripped open when I do. My mum has passed away.

@GarethKeenan I love this. Thanks so much. Lots of food for thought.

I only have one group of friends I talk in really close detail about this with and even then only occasionally - but I certainly know at least one woman who has never had an orgasm, not by herself, not with a partner.

I really hope you get there. I believe it MUST be achievable for you. What was a mental process is being held in your body and I believe you will find a way to cut through the jungle.

There are some very kind people on here but in suggesting vibrators and drugs etc they just don't get it. OP, from personal experience I totally get the trauma thing and I have complex PTSD which gets me stuck in flight/flight/freeze. Take the pressure off orgasms and work on the mind body connection. Traditional talk therapy can often be unhelpful here and I encourage you to investigate somatic experiencing work. Look into the work by Peter Levine and read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessal van der Kolk. It will transform your understanding of how trauma gets trapped in the body and how to release it. All the best x

Have you had the sort of trauma councelling support that looks at re wiring the brain. I have a trauma history and have been told that trauma can form very strong'grooves' in the brain. It sounds to me that this may be the case with you and that help to re wire may help as the association needs to be broken. Tapping methods or trauma therapy may help. My gp organised trauma therapy for me at a hospital clinic. Its real , but the brain is elastic and can learn new things it really can .

@Ginisnnice and @DrDetriment thank you you have both nailed it. I also have complex ptsd and I know this has hardwired my brain with these deep grooves that you mention. I've tried vibrators and a whole host of other things that so far haven't worked. I do think a trip to the gp might be helpful. It might be that trauma counselling is the way to go with this. I need to break the cycle somehow but I know I can't do it on here. I'm so appreciative of all the responses on here and that people are still engaging with me. It has really helped. I have a little bit of hope!

Eurgh 'on my own' not 'on here!'

Just a comment regarding PTSD and hypnosis. Humans are "meaning making machines" and we need to make sense of the sometimes random things that happen to us, even when there is no logical or rational explanation and never will be. At the time of the trauma one of your 'crew members' (I use the analogy of the mind being a ship with your conscious mind as the captain and the subconscious mind as the crew) took it upon themselves to work out what happened and they will continue to mull over the trauma from every angle, all the "what if's" and "should have's" and "why not's". Hypnosis will allow you to talk to that crew member, ask it to step down because the quest for an answer is not fulfilling its primary task - which is to keep you happy and safe. Once the crew member understands this it will let go and the trauma will fade. One of my clients described it as though her bad memories were covered in oil - she could vaguely remember them but when she tried to grasp hold of them they just slipped away harmlessly.

@PermanentTemporary yes you're right: What was a mental process is being held in your body. As another poster suggested I'm currently reading 'The Body Keeps the Score' which discusses exactly this. I think it's a book everyone should read. So informative and a complete eye opener.

If you are going to go to Amsterdam, skip the spliff and go for the psychedelic experience. Magic mushrooms and truffles have shown to be absolutely life changing for some people in terms of overcoming trauma. It literally helps you to require your brain and create new neural pathways. I grow magic mushrooms myself and they have not only helped me reframe my trauma and heal but they have revolutionised my sex life. I'm quite possibly the satisfied 44 yo woman in the world. But 3 years ago I'd rather have had a brew and a digestive biscuit.

There is a thread on here all about psilocybin that is very interesting, I'll see if I can find it.

Here you go. ( I'm myceliummamma on that thread)

Could Psilocybin cure mental health issues? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/4456868-Could-Psilocybin-cure-mental-health-issues

As mentioned above, there is a strong genetic component to ability to orgasm. You should really have a conversation with your sister(s). If they've never had orgasms either ... then ... but if they had they'd surely have some useful relevant advice for you. Do it! Good luck!!

www.nature.com/news/2005/050606/full/news050606-4.html

OK OP - look no further. Even on a very low dose, SSRIs and SNRIs can screw with your brain to the extent no matter what you do, you won’t get there. Doctors who hand these things out never tell you that, because they know many people wouldn’t take them if they did.

I have a lot of personal experience with this, both myself and partners. One in particular could NOT get there, whatever I or he did, however hard or long I tried to help, and I felt absolutely awful. Quite a long time later that they told me that they had started taking SSRIs and that was why. Until then I had never heard of this side effect.