AIBU to want an orgasm at least once in my life?

[5thHelena]

I may not be posting in the right section but hoping for some supportive responses that might help me get some help or support with this as I have nowhere left to turn now. I'm 51 and I've never had an orgasm. I was married for a long time but after missionary position sex for 30 years my sexual satisfaction (or otherwise) was never up for discussion. I'm now single and beginning to wonder if it will just never happen for me. The trouble is that its a mental block not a physical one. After a very troubled, difficult and as it turns out damaging childhood and adolescence it seems that the 'hyper vigilant' state that I permanently lived in growing up has hardwired my brain to shut my body down when I feel as though I'm heading towards an orgasm. I can become aroused and it feels nice! But at the point where I can feel that my body is ready to let go and explode, I become overwhelmed with the feeling that I am very unsafe. I feel so vulnerable, as though something terrible is going to happen. I've had A LOT of therapy and I know exactly what the problem is. As sexual arousal mimics the physiological experience of fear, once these associations have been forged it can be difficult (impossible in my case) to untangle them. But what do I do now? I've tried meditation, mindfulness, every relaxation activity you can think of, got blind drunk, as I said had endless therapy and done all of my homework like a good girl as instructed. But literally nothing has worked. And I feel like I'm missing out on an amazing experience! I've had a few short term relationships since my divorce and I enjoy sex. I like the skin on skin contact, I like giving and receiving oral, a good snog..all the usual things. But when things start to 'happen' I go into fight or flight mode..actually freeze in my case, and it always turns out the same. I change position or do whatever it takes to ensure those tell tale signals subside. So my question is..
AIBU..its no big deal. You can have a happy and fulfilled relationship without ever having an orgasm
YANBU..damn right its great and you need to get this figured out!

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Thank you @Mumteedum I'll definitely check it out 👍

I think an orgasm is like a really good sneeze :D

So much good advice. I noticed in your initial post you mentioned "done all of your homework like a good little girl". I'm wondering if this is related to the mental block. Have you ever broken rules, social norms etc? If my guess is correct and you are "good student" at everything ion your life then I can't recommend enough practicing "radical rebellion" in your day to day life and try and incorporate your body in to it. Even small things life
Maybe, go to the supermarket in a revealing outfit or without a bra. talk to a friend about sex in a radical way which may make you blush normally. vocalise a fantasy. If you start actively rebelling and against the rules gradually your body will realise they're all a bunch if shit.

I think you need to get rid of the fear as opposed to seeking out the elusive end goal.

And Of course you can have a very full life without an orgasm.

It feels pretty good tbh....certainly doesn't hurt!! They can vary too. Sometimes really intense and feel like warm liquid flowing through you and sometimes just a quick release. Never had one that didn't feel good though! I visualise various women in certain porny situations (I'm straight) and I visualise nothing at all when it actually happens. I just enjoy the sensation. Everyone is different in what they think about/don't think about/visualise.

Haven't RTFT but I'd strongly advise looking into EMDR if you haven't already. Even if you've had other types of therapy, this is a game changer for many when it comes to trauma. As you've already identified this is a psychological problem, not a physical one so it needs a psychological solution.

Afraid to say I visualise fairly pornographic things when I want to get over the edge ... 🫣

Oh I agree, fantasy is really important and I hardly ever orgasm without quite a complex fantasy going on - a good step of progress was understanding that that was completely normal and not some kind of impaired response that needed fixing.

I think visualisation could be a little different though.

Everyone has a right to pleasure. I suggest reading the book 'The Body Keeps The Score' and looking into EMDR or other emotion-body connection therapy. Just talking about the issue alone won't solve it, you need something that helps you feel safe in your body, not just on an intellectual level. Good for you for wanting to do something about it. Orgasm is a beautiful part of life.

Probably TMI but DH uses his fingers first (inside me, on my g spot so I guess a kind of "beckoning" motion) this is the first way I was able to orgasm other than clitoral stimulation. Once we could do that pretty regularly he'd get me close that way then move to PIV sex with him on top and my hips tilted up......a pillow under your bum can help.

I'm with a PP and also imagine quite pornographic scenarios...... not with people I know in them but almost like I'm watching actors in my head!

Definitely recommend the womanizer toy, I got the liberty one that Lily Allen released. Never bought a toy before but oh my goodness it's very effective. Read a lot of reviews that were from people saying they had never managed an orgasm before and it worked for them. It's a clitoral stimulator so kind of mimics the feeling of oral sex. Seems like you've had a ton of great advice but just wanted to add that. Hope you get there, good luck! X

Thanks everyone who's got back to me. I know I'd get there if it was just a matter of being willed on by all of you!! You're all amazing
I'm going to speak to my doctor about EMDR. I am reading the book The Body Keeps the Score and feel it could have been written about me!
Bizarrely I feel that if I could orgasm with a partner through penetrative sex @ThreeRingCircus at the exact same time as them I would have absolutely no problem. Maybe something to do with them being so wrapped up in themselves that they'd not notice me somehow makes me feel safer/ less vulnerable. Who know.?
Thanks so much for everyone's comments. I've read and appreciate every one.

Bloke here. Two suggestions.
There is a psychological trick for when your conscious state gets in the way of a largely subconscious action: cant remember its name. Some golfers use it when they make their swing. They have spent so much time being taught the technique that worrying about the actual swing get's in the way of the muscle memory. Basically they have a word they think of just at the start of the swing. A single word may be too short in your case but it's a matter of taking your mind off what's happening at the clitoris for the crucial moment. Perhaps: simultaneous stimulation of another body part, a quick sexual fantasy, even thinking about cooking carrots.

The second suggestion may be worth trying if, like someone here suggested, you move away at the last minute when with your partner. Get them to tie you up, exposed and almost immobile and ask them to carry on regardless. Best used as a bit of fun rather than taken too seriously.

@AppliedPhysiology

Dude, no. Thinking about cooking carrots is not the way to do. Thinking is the problem. She needs to get out of her head completely, not stay in it and think about something else.

Your second suggestion is rape. That's also not the way to go.

Jesus, don't think about cooking and absolutely do not, if there's trauma in your background, have someone tie you up and carry on no matter what, although I'm pretty confident you'd already know this op.

I'm probably going to get torn apart for suggesting it but have you tried porn? I struggled to orgasm at one point and found the compilations of people having orgasms helped for me. Listening to someone else having one often helps you get there.

@Notanotherwindow I really enjoy porn and feel it has helped me get as far as I have ( if that makes sense) I think if I found something that was just right it might actually get me there.
Thinking about cooking carrots is new to me! Who knows it might work! But being tied up and somebody working on me regardless of whether I want them to or not is the only suggestion I've read on here that I wouldn't consider. Sounds horrible 😬

There's an App called Dipsea which could help. It's erotic plays, you can choose all sorts of scenarios and start listening. You completely switch your mind off from thinking just listening and it v v erotic, that along with a Lelo Sona Cruise 2 and you'll get there.

Dipsea is a great shout actually @Madamecastafiore .. I'd heard of it but forgotten. Going to give it a shot!!

I can see how being tied up could help but I would have to really really trust that person at a level I have only ever achieved with my therapist and I am in stitches thinking about the look on his face if I suggested it. In fact I might suggest it just to mess with him.