AIBU to want an orgasm at least once in my life?

[5thHelena]

I may not be posting in the right section but hoping for some supportive responses that might help me get some help or support with this as I have nowhere left to turn now. I'm 51 and I've never had an orgasm. I was married for a long time but after missionary position sex for 30 years my sexual satisfaction (or otherwise) was never up for discussion. I'm now single and beginning to wonder if it will just never happen for me. The trouble is that its a mental block not a physical one. After a very troubled, difficult and as it turns out damaging childhood and adolescence it seems that the 'hyper vigilant' state that I permanently lived in growing up has hardwired my brain to shut my body down when I feel as though I'm heading towards an orgasm. I can become aroused and it feels nice! But at the point where I can feel that my body is ready to let go and explode, I become overwhelmed with the feeling that I am very unsafe. I feel so vulnerable, as though something terrible is going to happen. I've had A LOT of therapy and I know exactly what the problem is. As sexual arousal mimics the physiological experience of fear, once these associations have been forged it can be difficult (impossible in my case) to untangle them. But what do I do now? I've tried meditation, mindfulness, every relaxation activity you can think of, got blind drunk, as I said had endless therapy and done all of my homework like a good girl as instructed. But literally nothing has worked. And I feel like I'm missing out on an amazing experience! I've had a few short term relationships since my divorce and I enjoy sex. I like the skin on skin contact, I like giving and receiving oral, a good snog..all the usual things. But when things start to 'happen' I go into fight or flight mode..actually freeze in my case, and it always turns out the same. I change position or do whatever it takes to ensure those tell tale signals subside. So my question is..
AIBU..its no big deal. You can have a happy and fulfilled relationship without ever having an orgasm
YANBU..damn right its great and you need to get this figured out!

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I had this issue. The pushing/bearing down really worked for me. It gets easier once you've cracked it. Also, when you move away, don't stop or give in, come back to it later. Try reading erotica so you're not focused on it.

Wtf. That sounds agonising. I hope you don't have the same toothbrush I have, that would do unreal damage 😬

Have you tried hypnosis? You need to bypass your conscious brain and reset the subconscious. The way I explain it is that CBT, NLP, etc helps you to recognise that negative thought patterns are like weeds and teaches you how to control them, hypnosis rips them out by the roots!

Hmm ok that could be really useful, thank you

I've actually worked with a sexual hypnotherapist but unfortunately it hasn't worked

I have had sexual trauma and the only times I’ve ever climaxed have been in my sleep and usually during my period I have amazing dreams and wake up with them . I don’t know if that’s common or not though

I often think drugs/a spliff/lsd etc is the only way to go with this.

5thHelena I've had a lot of therapy too - trauma related. I've had issues with sex in the past. It's a weird one as it affects people in different ways - I used to have to make a conscious choice to switch off my inner voice during sex. I recently had EMDR and it has made a massive difference to my life. I think it's something you should consider.

I'd love to have one in my sleep! Just to take the pressure off! I feel like if I just crack it once I'll be off!

Is that you, Brian?
I thought of Brian, too.
“My yoni says noni.”
😂

@FriedTomatoe what is EMDR?

Take the accent off the sexual aspect, too much pressure.

So many people here missing the point.. it’s not about masturbating or vibrators.. she’s turned on and almost there..
@5thHelena OP- have you thought about seeing a really good hypnotherapist?? If your subconscious is shutting down and blocking it then Someone trained can ask your subconscious to allow it and tell it it’s safe. Go to someone experienced though and accredited especially as you suspect it could be linked to trauma. Good luck

I read somewhere to imagine yourself having an orgasm and find it can help!

@Justkidding55 I have seen a hypnotherapist. Maybe I need to try again with a different one .. thank you 😊

DHEA (taken for fertility stuff) had a big effect of raising libido and making orgasms come easier (not that I have any issues there) and stronger for me. Worth a shot, it decreases with age anyway and supplementing it makes you feel more vibrant somehow.

Come as You Are: the bestselling guide to the new science that will transform your sex life: 1 (Come As You Are, 1) amzn.eu/d/1V5slB7

This might help.

This could be really useful I'll ask my gp about it. Thank you 😊

@SylviasMotherSaid , this happens to me too, every month.
I have very intense sexual dreams and I wake up having an orgasm.
I’ve never discussed it with anyone and always wondered if it happened to other women.

The OP doesn’t need to ‘transform her sex life’.

She needs help overcoming the mental block caused by past trauma.

I don’t have any useful advice but I want to say I completely understand, I have a mental block too, due to a previous abusive marriage, and I can get very close, but it’s so frustrating!

I hope you can find something that works for you.

Cross your legs at the ankles and tense up. That works for me.

I second a pp suggestion of EMDR. Stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing. It’s often used for people with ptsd and literally changes the neural pathways that take your brain down a certain route.

I love how kind people are on here and how motivated everyone is to try and help the op get an orgasm. Sometimes this place is alright. Best of luck Op.

Seems you're getting a lot of good responses OP, all I wanted to add is I'm really rooting for you!!! Which is a weird thing to say 🤣 but I really hope you get there! You'll be at it for days after you've had your first one! 🤞 You've got this!