Husband and his secretary

[Lovebites]

Ok so it’s a long story, hope you all will take some time to read and help me in understanding this situation. I was married 12 years ago and have a little girl with my husband. At the beginning, when I was newly married, there were rumours of my husband having an affair with his secretary. All the other employees /workers will always try to tell me directly/indirectly. Never gave a thought about it as was never suspicious of his behaviour. I used to go to office with him but the secretary behaviour I did find it very strange at that time. But ignored it as I was happy in my marriage. Over the years my husband and I used to fight, have an argument a lot. Partly because of his behaviour and my behaviour also wasn’t good with him as I used to get irritated all the time ( because I came from different country and missed my family so much ) but nothing more. One day my manager ( who is also like my family ) told me to keep an eye on him. She mentioned that she trust her boss but the behaviour of secretary is not good at all and everybody is aware of it except me. It stuck on my mind and decided to check his phone one day and was shocked to see the conversations between them. The kind of conversation they were having was too personal. From the messages I could make out that she’s desperate for him whereas he not desperate though but kind of with her. I cried so much and decided to confront him. He, however clearly said it’s nothing like what I am thinking. He convinced me and said it’s nothing like that. There was this line that stuck on my mind , when my husband went on a work trip, around that time she messaged him asking to FaceTime as she hasn’t seen him for 10 days. 😲 is this normal for a secretary to say something like this ? Also he changed his phone password and did not want to tell me. What should I do ? How do i know if he’s really cheating on me. Feeling confused, heartbroken and sad !

@Eightiesfan I am not refusing to listen to advice but I want to know more. What’s wrong with that ? Before I take any step, I just wanted to be 100% sure. I can’t understand what’s wrong in this !

Exactly - you said you shared her messages word for word, then posters noticed that they are written in the exact same style / grammar etc as yours. So people were curious as to how you and she share such a similar style of writing when it's quite an unusual one, that's all.

OP, I don’t think you’ll be convinced until you catch them in bed together. If you refuse to see what everyone else can, and remember we are commenting on everything that YOU have posted, you need to start googling Private Investigators. You will have your answer in a couple of weeks, possibly less.

@wellhelloitsme I don’t know why it’s coming across like that. Probably because she’s Lankan too and back home we write in similar style with lots of unnecessary exclamation marks, senseless commas, writing few words in bold to attract reader’s attention. If you have an Asian friend (not ones who are born and brought up here) you will notice the similar pattern of writing.

This is what I was trying to establish. Two people from the same place are both speaking SLE - which is (arguably) a whole dialect of English. That makes sense to me now. They will have similar syntax and grammar and vocab.

I can't point to one phrase and say this proves an affair. But again - does it matter if he's done it or just talked about it for TWELVE YEARS ??

You are contracting yourself again, yesterday you wrote that you don't know where she is from and you don't know if English is her first language or not 🤔

👍

This is truth and it’s my truth. Sorry I can’t prove it here just because you don’t believe in me. People who believed in this post had given me good advice, words of consolation and some encouragement.

Some trollers here were only interested in telling me how bad English I have and how fake is this post. Before you comment on anyone’s post, think twice what the other person is going through. If you can’t be good just don’t be unkind. That’s it !

OP, this is my attempt to help you.
First of all culture and family relationships. This is important because your DH has taken on the position of a father figure to the supposed "OW". Secondly a 2016 report showed that 56% of marriages in Sri Lanka end in divorce, yet families still expect females, particularly, to not break up their marriage.
I think this is why you want to be 100% sure that your husband is cheating before doing anything. It also explains your reluctance to admit, from the evidence you have given (texts on your DH's phone only), that your DH is cheating. You want photos or explicit texts as proof.
In your culture, it is not unusual for wealthy men to have mistresses and even two families. MNers can only give you practical advice, like hiring a Private Investigator, or say that he is cheating, based on their own experience.
It sounds like your DH and the OW have a long history of a relationship that straddles both work and personal, but it is entirely possible for males and females to have a close but platonic relationship in the West.
The next step for you is to confirm the exact status of their relationship and PP have advised you to hire a PI. Many marriages can survive an affair and you will benefit from drawing up a Pros/Cons list if this turns out to be the case, before you decide what to do next.
A word of advice OP. In Asia, wives always blame the OW; over here we tend to think that it's the DH/P who made the commitment to you, not the OW. Also ditch the "my truth" reasoning. There's "my truth", "your truth", "the truth" and all might be different.
Peace.

@MigsandTiggs your comment makes lot of sense. Like everyone from messages, I can also sense extreme closeness between these two and both are to be blamed equally. As you mentioned in Asia, divorce is not straightforward and not easy. There are lots of things I need to keep in mind before I can take any step. These evidences (husband’s messages) are enough in itself to prove his infidelity but I don’t know why I am trying to look for something positive/ hope which isn’t there at all.

Another reason why it’s difficult for me to accept this truth is because of my husband. He did not want to admit it at all. He become so defensive and so adamant in his words that he hasn’t done anything at all.
His exact words, “I know myself, I can’t do anything that is against my ethics and values”. It’s hard to believe in him.

@Lovebites any updates ?