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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and his secretary

189 replies

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:04

Ok so it’s a long story, hope you all will take some time to read and help me in understanding this situation. I was married 12 years ago and have a little girl with my husband. At the beginning, when I was newly married, there were rumours of my husband having an affair with his secretary. All the other employees /workers will always try to tell me directly/indirectly. Never gave a thought about it as was never suspicious of his behaviour. I used to go to office with him but the secretary behaviour I did find it very strange at that time. But ignored it as I was happy in my marriage. Over the years my husband and I used to fight, have an argument a lot. Partly because of his behaviour and my behaviour also wasn’t good with him as I used to get irritated all the time ( because I came from different country and missed my family so much ) but nothing more. One day my manager ( who is also like my family ) told me to keep an eye on him. She mentioned that she trust her boss but the behaviour of secretary is not good at all and everybody is aware of it except me. It stuck on my mind and decided to check his phone one day and was shocked to see the conversations between them. The kind of conversation they were having was too personal. From the messages I could make out that she’s desperate for him whereas he not desperate though but kind of with her. I cried so much and decided to confront him. He, however clearly said it’s nothing like what I am thinking. He convinced me and said it’s nothing like that. There was this line that stuck on my mind , when my husband went on a work trip, around that time she messaged him asking to FaceTime as she hasn’t seen him for 10 days. 😲 is this normal for a secretary to say something like this ? Also he changed his phone password and did not want to tell me. What should I do ? How do i know if he’s really cheating on me. Feeling confused, heartbroken and sad !

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:13

OMG what should I do ? If there’s something I want to catch them both red handed. But I have no idea where to begin. I asked some people who work in office but no one is like 100% sure. They are always like suspicious but never saw them doing anything.

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 21/06/2022 19:15

I don't understand why you aren't sure what is going 9n. Certainly that last message is very clear. They are having an affair. It is right there in front of you. Get a divorce.

“if you can’t give me that happiness which normal people would do then let me go, I will not do anything wrong"

1FootInTheRave · 21/06/2022 19:16

Oh c'mon op.

Surely you aren't completely oblivious.

Ishacoco · 21/06/2022 19:16

Tell him she needs to go - or you will.

Hillrunning · 21/06/2022 19:16

She is clearly saying, if you can't give me a real relationship then break up with me. I won't retaliate by telling your wife.

Hillrunning · 21/06/2022 19:18

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:13

OMG what should I do ? If there’s something I want to catch them both red handed. But I have no idea where to begin. I asked some people who work in office but no one is like 100% sure. They are always like suspicious but never saw them doing anything.

YOU HAVE ALREADY CAUGHT HIM. Stop finding reasons to put up with this shity behaviour.

Fishandchipbutty · 21/06/2022 19:18

Your entire marriage has been a sham and you've ignored everyone (including YOUR BOSS) who has tried to alert you to what your DH was up to. Your self esteem must be on the floor.
Line up your legal and financial admin and then decide whether how and when YOU want to end it.

OhmygodDont · 21/06/2022 19:18

You don’t see to see them in the act to leave him. However if you need it as such hire a private investigator.

Kellykukoo · 21/06/2022 19:20

From the messages, it seems pretty clear that they have an ongoing and long standing entanglement. Why else would she be asking him to let her go? What I'm wondering is... why you are struggling to comprehend what's been written?

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:20

@Hillrunning that happiness means, “the ability and ease to share her pains with him” because for her he’s not reciprocating the feelings. That’s what she’s blaming him for

OP posts:
EverydayIsPJday · 21/06/2022 19:21

Agree with pp, she's upset she's the other woman and is asking for more or she will walk away

edenhills · 21/06/2022 19:25

Could you talk to her?

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:25

@Kellykukoo because all the employees that work for my husband said that she mistook boss’s (my husband ) mischievous/ funny behaviour as liking. Also i remember my husband once mentioned me that she doesn’t have a mother (her mother died when she was just a baby) so he take care of her like a father. He is like a father figure to her.

OP posts:
CallOnMe · 21/06/2022 19:25

Honestly OP it doesn’t sound like this relationship is working.

Yes it doesn’t sound good with the secretary but even if she wasn’t on the scene, I don’t think the relationship would work.

You could look for evidence but chances are you won’t find any.
So I think it’s time to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship or move on.

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:26

@edenhills she will be the last person I’ll ever go to talk with. Also don’t know if she comes in front of me I might just slap her

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:29

I want to use all your intelligent minds to get into the depth of this situation. Give me some ideas on how can I track them both and catch them red handed.

OP posts:
Nomad916 · 21/06/2022 19:31

Why do you need to "catch them red handed"? You already know that they're having an affair.

minipie · 21/06/2022 19:34

I’m sorry OP but this couldn’t be much clearer. They are having an affair, she wants him to leave you and be with her. You don’t need to catch them physically for it to be clear. I can understand you don’t want it to be true but it looks pretty obvious.

Kellykukoo · 21/06/2022 19:35

No OP, she hasn't mistaken your husband's mischievous/funny behaviour as 'liking'. Your husband clearly likes her and has convinced her that he does. Why else would he say “we can talk and you must talk to me”?
This is no accidental friendship. It is a deliberately cultivated entanglement. Your husband is keeping her fully engaged in the entanglement even when she tries to pull away. I am calling it an entanglement because nothing in the texts points unambiguously to a sexual relationship. At the very least, it is a deep emotional relationship, which is just as bad in my view. Even if you want to save your marriage, you do need to fully acknowledge what you are dealing with.

Original poster
Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:36

@Nomad916 I still don’t believe fully they are having an affair. I want to know it with a proof. Also in messages there’s nothing from my husband’s side. It’s she who is pressing him and he hasn’t responded to her most messages. He might be quiet or taking easily as she knows in and out of our business and can be quite a loss if she goes out and give all our details.

OP posts:
Bdragon · 21/06/2022 19:36

I'm a secretary. It's normal to ask for a video call if your boss is on a long work trip, it's easier to talk through work requirements.

As for the rest of it - yeah, they're having an affair. No 'red handed' needed.

EggsBeforeChickens · 21/06/2022 19:37

Husband problem and boss problem. I don't know if there's anything more than an emotional affair going on here but your DP has crossed both the marriage-vow and professional lines by being too personally involved in his secretary's life.
In your position I'd be making an anonymous complaint to HR.

Hillrunning · 21/06/2022 19:41

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:20

@Hillrunning that happiness means, “the ability and ease to share her pains with him” because for her he’s not reciprocating the feelings. That’s what she’s blaming him for

No I don't think you have understood this. They are too close, they have been having some sort of inappropriate relationship for a while. Maybe maybe there is a tiny part it hasn't been physical but thoes sorts of messages show that it has gone way beyond professional and have made a mockery of your marriage. The only appropriate response from a married boss to a secretary of such messages is ' Thats right, I cannot give you happiness are it would be highly unprofessional as your boss. Would you like me to refer you to speak to a professional therapist through our scheme at work?'

Idunnowhyibother · 21/06/2022 19:48

Sorry OP I do think your husband and secretary have definitely crossed the line, physically and emotionally (on her side at least). Your DH seems able to play her exactly how he wants - she seems totally under his control. She obviously has feelings for him yet is able to maintain a front at work that means colleagues haven't seen anything between them. That's tells me she is besotted with him and won't put a foot out of line in case he dumps her.....

Hawkins001 · 21/06/2022 19:51

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 19:29

I want to use all your intelligent minds to get into the depth of this situation. Give me some ideas on how can I track them both and catch them red handed.

Basically you'll need an organisation that provides honey trap, services