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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and his secretary

189 replies

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 18:04

Ok so it’s a long story, hope you all will take some time to read and help me in understanding this situation. I was married 12 years ago and have a little girl with my husband. At the beginning, when I was newly married, there were rumours of my husband having an affair with his secretary. All the other employees /workers will always try to tell me directly/indirectly. Never gave a thought about it as was never suspicious of his behaviour. I used to go to office with him but the secretary behaviour I did find it very strange at that time. But ignored it as I was happy in my marriage. Over the years my husband and I used to fight, have an argument a lot. Partly because of his behaviour and my behaviour also wasn’t good with him as I used to get irritated all the time ( because I came from different country and missed my family so much ) but nothing more. One day my manager ( who is also like my family ) told me to keep an eye on him. She mentioned that she trust her boss but the behaviour of secretary is not good at all and everybody is aware of it except me. It stuck on my mind and decided to check his phone one day and was shocked to see the conversations between them. The kind of conversation they were having was too personal. From the messages I could make out that she’s desperate for him whereas he not desperate though but kind of with her. I cried so much and decided to confront him. He, however clearly said it’s nothing like what I am thinking. He convinced me and said it’s nothing like that. There was this line that stuck on my mind , when my husband went on a work trip, around that time she messaged him asking to FaceTime as she hasn’t seen him for 10 days. 😲 is this normal for a secretary to say something like this ? Also he changed his phone password and did not want to tell me. What should I do ? How do i know if he’s really cheating on me. Feeling confused, heartbroken and sad !

OP posts:
Chocolatesandroses · 21/06/2022 23:53

You are in denial as it’s quite obvious they are having a affair but I understand wanting more evidence. It’s not just her , it’s him too it takes two to tango . He’s not being a father figure to her, he’s having his cake and eating it . If he doesn’t love her and was just having sex with her ? Would you leave or u just gonna stay and pretend it didn’t happen ? Personally I would have packed his bags 12 years ago

Original poster
Lovebites · 22/06/2022 00:04

@Chocolatesandroses he is not having sex with her. I am pretty sure about it. There are chances of him doing that when we both were going through a very rough phase. It’s more emotional and business thing. She knows our business in and out and he definitely doesn’t want to lose her.

but if I find out they were having sex all this while behind my back, I will just leave him. That’s it !!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/06/2022 00:08

You’ve been putting up with this crap for 12 years?

Sorry but that’s on you. It sounds as if enough people have tried to tell you but you’re in total denial.

Either split up or carry on as you are.

paimio · 22/06/2022 00:09

He’s cheating, emotionally and/ or physically. I say this as someone who was formally the secretary in this situation. If you want to save your marriage he needs to fire her and block her number or at the very least have her moved to another team and block her number.

DixonD · 22/06/2022 00:13

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 20:56

@EthicalNonMahogany it’s highly likely English might not be her first language but she has written it in paragraphs which makes it more understandable. I hate typing, that’s why I just ignored all grammar and punctuation marks.

You can’t just ignore grammar and punctuation: they’re essential!

momtoboys · 22/06/2022 00:17

There is a phrase "where there is smoke there is fire". I think that may be appropriate here. If other people are telling you to watch out and you have doubts yourself then chances are you are right to be suspicious. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Lovebites · 22/06/2022 00:18

@DixonD are you saying it on this particularly incident ? Or in general ? I know it’s essential

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 22/06/2022 00:21

Lovebites · 22/06/2022 00:18

@DixonD are you saying it on this particularly incident ? Or in general ? I know it’s essential

Well in this particular instance, those quoted messages didn’t make a lot of sense.

I suspect they didn’t even with punctuation (your husband’s mistress is a bit of a drama queen isn’t she??), but the lack of punctuation didn’t help.

Spohn · 22/06/2022 00:21

everyone would be better off talking to a brick wall than trying to get OP to wise up. Save yourself the effort of typing anything and instead simply go and stare out the window for 30 seconds.

Original poster
Lovebites · 22/06/2022 00:25

@Spohn 🤣🤣🤣🤣 sorry this just made me laugh. I must be coming across so stupid

OP posts:
Twocrazycats · 22/06/2022 00:26

Lovebites · 22/06/2022 00:04

@Chocolatesandroses he is not having sex with her. I am pretty sure about it. There are chances of him doing that when we both were going through a very rough phase. It’s more emotional and business thing. She knows our business in and out and he definitely doesn’t want to lose her.

but if I find out they were having sex all this while behind my back, I will just leave him. That’s it !!!!!!!!!!!!

are you serious? Of course they’ve had sex! They’ve been clearly having an affair for years now, do you really think it’s just her being fixated on him?? After seeing those texts?? You can’t be serious

Original poster
Lovebites · 22/06/2022 00:27

@Changechangychange she is a drama Queen and I hate her so much. Can’t imagine I could hate someone so badly. Thinking about her makes my blood boil.😡😡

OP posts:
EggRollsForever · 22/06/2022 01:10

One day my manager ( who is also like my family ) told me to keep an eye on him. She mentioned that she trust her boss but the behaviour of secretary is not good at all and everybody is aware of it except me @Lovebites This does not make any sense. Your manager's boss is your husband?

EggRollsForever · 22/06/2022 01:12

Lovebites · 21/06/2022 22:49

This message is also from that girl !!!!! 😫

Is English not her first language too? 🙄

Chloe800 · 22/06/2022 01:40

Funny ….. and yes , it’s Defo a duck ! X

SuziSecondLaw · 22/06/2022 04:10

EggRollsForever · 22/06/2022 01:12

Is English not her first language too? 🙄

Show quote history

Yeah... So Where's she from, op? I imagine you would know.. Is your partner also Sri Lankan?

Nomad916 · 22/06/2022 07:12

Your anger is a little misdirected. The other woman hasn't made any commitment to you and isn't married. Although lacking in integrity, she technically doesn't owe anybody anything.

Nomad916 · 22/06/2022 07:16

CallOnMe · 21/06/2022 22:54

If my husband is not accepting her after so many years, doesn’t she have self respect to just leave. PAthetic woman !

She probably feels the same about you.

You have been told about them and seen messages yet you still stay with him and have a child with him.

Who is he treating worse - the women he’s cheating on? Or the women he’s cheating with?
In her eyes he doesn’t like you or respect you else he wouldn’t be cheating.

Some men are able to do two women wrong and treat them both terribly. Yet the women will both blame each other and not the man who is the only one to blame.

Yes she is morally wrong and yes you should have left him - but focusing on each other is just shifting the blame and letting him continue to do as he’s doing.
Neither of you will put your foot down with him as you’re both worried he’ll just go off with the other women.

This

Original poster
Lovebites · 22/06/2022 07:29

I can’t believe how many women here did not understand my feelings /emotions. Yes I agree my man is the “baddest” in this scene but that side lady is equally wrong. I think it’s also because many women here are from a foreign country and are a bit advanced but in our culture giving up on marriage is not easy. We always try our best to save it as much as we can unless if the situation went too far. And I am not ignoring anything, I’ve read their messages but personally I am in this situation so I have to be very smart while making choices. It’s not easy !!!!!!!!

OP posts:
spotcheck · 22/06/2022 07:30

CaptSkippy · 21/06/2022 22:06

I voted for YABU for several reasons

  • Wall of text without paragraphs
  • You ignoring repeated warnings from different people
  • You and your husband fighting a lot
  • Secretary's inappropriate behavior
  • You reading their messages and you still don't think he's cheating?

At this point you are allowing him to lie to you and it has likely been going on for years. Even if he were innocent (which is highly unlikely) a relationship cannot survive without trust.

So what should you do? If you don't already know the answer to the obvious situation screaming you in the face, then you are being VVV unreasonable.

  • And you're trying to blame the other woman. Come on OP - this is of your husband's making. You've willfully ignored it for over a decade, even though people have warned you. Stop messing around with 'catching them red handed' or hiring an investigator. Just leave the toad or stay and accept he is a liar
Original poster
Lovebites · 22/06/2022 07:35

also many people asked me if English is her first language. How does it matter in any way ? She’s working for such a big company, dealing with clients on a daily basis so I think she can speak and write well. Same with me- after finishing masters from my home country I have done several diplomas and phd from prestigious universities. They of course wouldn’t have given me admission if I was not capable of it. Also remember coming from Asia, to study in this country, we have to pay a huge amount of money and a long list of criteria to fulfil.

OP posts:
CherryReid · 22/06/2022 07:51

What you should do is speak to a solicitor - when you know how things would pan out if you separated - eg you would prob keep the house, his maintenance would be x, your income would be y, you would get a proportion of his pension at a later date. THEN you are discussing this from a position of power and not one of a terrified wee thing scared her present life will be taken from her. Then you can make demands and or give him a choice. See what he says.

MakeMineAdoubleChocolate · 22/06/2022 08:03

Is this actually for real????

I mean, come on woman, pull yourself together. And chuck him.

Any self respecting married man would not have a secretary who bends over in front of him on purpose to get files, send him emotional messages about what a wife does etc, and touching him. Its obvious there is something going

MakeMineAdoubleChocolate · 22/06/2022 08:07

And it could have been before you, or after you and still continues to this very day.

Get your ducks in a row and leave him.

I understand in Asian cultures it is embarrassing to be divorced and a single mother to the family and society. But who cares. I would rather that than be with a cheating pig. I'd rather be a single mum with dignity and respect than be with a man who has been with his secretary for twelve years!!!!

Also you keep slagging off this woman, but your husband is just as bad. He is keeping her there even though he admitted she is cringe, bending over in purpose to get the work folders. Who does that she even did it in front of you. Come on wake up and smell the tea, coffee and the cappuccinos.

LaddieCthulu · 22/06/2022 08:10

I am sorry for you OP you must be so hurt, only you can decide what is best for you but you are firmly in denial at the moment. There is no way they have not been having sex this whole time. I have know people who were married with families and kept up active sexual affairs for 7-10 years, their partners were probably like you,turning a blind eye to what they didn't want to see. You are posting here for advice but it sounds like you are struggling to accept the obvious. He has strung this woman along and now blocked you from his phone?! A man that keeps so much "private" from his wife is not doing it for a benign reason. If he has always been like this, he has probably always been cheating on you.

Also, no it doesn't make any difference if there are grammatical errors in kessages and the other woman isn't a native English speaker. It says a lot about the people that feel they need to comment on that.