Husband and his secretary

[Lovebites]

Ok so it’s a long story, hope you all will take some time to read and help me in understanding this situation. I was married 12 years ago and have a little girl with my husband. At the beginning, when I was newly married, there were rumours of my husband having an affair with his secretary. All the other employees /workers will always try to tell me directly/indirectly. Never gave a thought about it as was never suspicious of his behaviour. I used to go to office with him but the secretary behaviour I did find it very strange at that time. But ignored it as I was happy in my marriage. Over the years my husband and I used to fight, have an argument a lot. Partly because of his behaviour and my behaviour also wasn’t good with him as I used to get irritated all the time ( because I came from different country and missed my family so much ) but nothing more. One day my manager ( who is also like my family ) told me to keep an eye on him. She mentioned that she trust her boss but the behaviour of secretary is not good at all and everybody is aware of it except me. It stuck on my mind and decided to check his phone one day and was shocked to see the conversations between them. The kind of conversation they were having was too personal. From the messages I could make out that she’s desperate for him whereas he not desperate though but kind of with her. I cried so much and decided to confront him. He, however clearly said it’s nothing like what I am thinking. He convinced me and said it’s nothing like that. There was this line that stuck on my mind , when my husband went on a work trip, around that time she messaged him asking to FaceTime as she hasn’t seen him for 10 days. 😲 is this normal for a secretary to say something like this ? Also he changed his phone password and did not want to tell me. What should I do ? How do i know if he’s really cheating on me. Feeling confused, heartbroken and sad !

“Also, no it doesn't make any difference if there are grammatical errors in kessages and the other woman isn't a native English speaker. It says a lot about the people that feel they need to comment on that.”

Absolutely! I can’t believe the nitpicking, ffs some people in the U.K. are from elsewhere and writing in their second language, is that so difficult to understand and accept?!
Embarrassing.

Then why on earth are you posting on mumsnet if you don’t believe we can take account of your particular circumstances?
That makes as much sense as being in a relationship with a man for 12 years who has clearly been cheating on you the whole time.

Honestly 🙄

I am querying the language and cultural context for two relevant reasons. First because I think there are some genuine ambiguities in the meaning of the texts being quoted and even if it was Lankan English they seem a bit too convenient as Also the OP is finding it really hard to believe that they mean a physical affair has happened (e.g. when she said

bah, posted too soon sorry. E.g. when OP interpreted "happiness" as emotional sharing and I would have said it was more likely to mean "sharing your life as your partner".

I don't know the South Asian context or culture or style of talking or relationships or expectations- so to me it's important to know where everyone is from to know if my advice is at all relevant or not. (And to know if my troll suspicious are reasonable or not).

@JudyGemstone thank you so much for your understanding. Just few words of kindness can make such a difference.

@EthicalNonMahogany your curiosity is also genuine. The language reference we use back home is so different than here. Sometimes the language we use has a double meaning, it’s not just about words, it’s more than just words.

I get what you mean about how it’s more difficult for women after divorce than men as they tend to have the children more and so it’s harder to date.
If your culture sees divorce as a negative thing then it’s also even harder.

But I’d rather be single than be married to someone who has no respect for me and is cheating on me.

There are also plenty of women who go on to have better relationships or marriages.

Women can find relationships easily it doesn’t really matter what we look like or how much baggage we have. But sometimes it does take a while to find someone who is going to treat you right.

I would not want to waste another 12 years with someone who cares about another women more than me.

This is why I asked you what you wanted to happen and get from the post to be honest because no matter what someone says it’s not making a difference, just keep making excuses to defend your husband . I do feel for you and I understand it’s not easy however

1. you made a post asking if he’s having a affair etc , people have said he is and still you don’t want to accept that.

2. had you made a post maybe saying your from Asia and about your culture I think people would have been more understanding as to why u can’t leave etc

3. she is equally to blame but he’s your husband , if he isn’t guilty ,why he change his password on his phone ? He knew it’s upsetting you so he should have kept the relationship professional , texts profession and only speak with her about work that’s it . He’s not having a emotional affair it’s sexual ! For a lot of men it’s just sex where some women get emotionally attached.

4. he doesn’t want to leave you otherwise he would have left long time ago , he wants his cake and eat it and you have let him.

5. you asked about her messages and said is she emotionally blackmailing him . No she isn’t she wants more and he’s obviously promised her more but obviously according to you it’s all her not him .

6. just because he doesn’t text her back doesn’t mean anything and also I bet he has social media accounts so if his not texting on his phone he will defiantly will messaging there.

it’s never easy to leave a marriage or relationship as no one gets married to get divorced. However I just wouldn’t stay with him I’d rather have the shame of being divorced .

This is also why I was questioning it. The whole thing just seemed a bit odd.. The way the OW speaks in messages is exactly how op speaks.

@SuziSecondLaw I thought that too :/

@SuziSecondLaw can you be a bit clear ? What’s the connection between she and I sounding sane in messages ? Please elaborate, I am curious

Maybe you and she are the same author?

I've never thought a thread was fake before, until this one.

Sorry, but the way you speak, the obviously good English for a second language, but not quite making sense. It seems as though both you and the OW are the same person, because her messages, and your messages on here are very similar.

I apologise of course if I am incorrect and this is a legitimate post.

So many things dont add up. including why your manager is advising you not to trust her boss/your boss/his secretary .... what has your manager got to do with it all and why is your manager trying to advise you directly and indirectly. do you all work in the same place???

It's hard to tell!

Really strange

just want to tell you all it’s a legitimate post. I am really in a need of help and advice. I have many things to do, why would I even waste my time here talking nonsense if this isn’t true. My manager means ( lady who handles my business ) and also my husband’s business. She is working for my husband since 2007. And the other woman I am talking about must have joined around 2008. I came into his life around 2010 or 2011. My Manager (Kita) works for me and my husband. When I came into his life there were people (in office )talking about the weird behaviour of this woman.I myself have noticed it too but never took it seriously but just 2 years ago Kita brought this whole thing up again and I just randomly checked his phone one day. It’s then, I realised about their conversations which seems very unprofessional and personal to me. Before that I had no idea that all this was happening behind my
back (except her weird behaviour- leaning down to give files, being very touchy, and tending all his needs ) I found it quite weird but forgot about it soon. I got busy in my life -work, kid, health issues, missing family and all.

ok let's get specific on the language. Did people say "This woman is behaving weirdly" or did they say "There is something going on between her and your husband"? Did Kita say specifically she thought he and she were doing something together?

oh apologies, in your first post - she said she trusts him but the behaviour of the secretary isn't right and you should "keep an eye on him". Keep an eye on him means that he might be doing something?

So I understand OP. You have lots of evidence of an unprofessional relationship with inappropriate emotional closeness. You don't have evidence of actual sex happening between them.

Your husband is secretive and enjoys this inappropriate relationship- inappropriate as a boss and as a husband. He will not talk to you or reassure you.

The question for you then is what will be enough for you to end the marriage? Is it only if he has sex with someone? What's the real difference between him having sex and having this long other relationship, for you? Surely this is enough bad behaviour for you to leave... whether you can "prove" there has been sex or not?

Are you using Mumsnet to practise conning Western women or something? Because there is no way that the 'woman' who wrote that message you showed in your screenshot it working as a secretary for a multinational corporation, the English is terrible and has exactly the same style of phrasing as yours.

@ImpartialMongoose you know what I’ve friends (Italian, Spanish ) who work in Morgan Stanley, JP Morgan, all big banks and their English is terrible than this so you better don’t give me a lesson on that. If you don’t have anything to advise, just ignore and mind your business. I had put out this post for those who genuinely want to help me, not someone who’s giving me a lesson on English here.

@ImpartialMongoose I can’t imagine how you treat people who are non English speakers. Really pathetic of you and your mentality.

You are right, I know plenty of people, some who were bought up in England whose writing skills and grammar is terrible, but they hold down well paid jobs. However, they all work in IT, they would never be able to get a job in a large corporation if their written skills were no on point.

The reason, you are being questioned, is that you posts are sometimes contradictory, you are refusing to listen to any advice, you are refusing to entertain the idea that your husband is cheating, but you talk about his secretary as if she has cheated.

If you want posters to tell you how great your DH is and how he would never cheat on you and all the messages are completely innocent, you have definitely come to the wrong place.

OP I think some people are questioning you not because they’re judging how you speak but because the screenshot of the other women’s text sounds (reads) like the way you speak (write) and it’s uncommon that 2 people speak so similarly to each other.

I don’t think you’re fake as I think you’re just simply in denial which comes across as unbelievable that anyone would put up with this situation and be so passive about it.

@CallOnMe in my messages I’ve quoted her messages. It’s not mine. At first I didn’t want to put screenshot so I decided to quote her messages.