Husband and his secretary

[Lovebites]

Ok so it’s a long story, hope you all will take some time to read and help me in understanding this situation. I was married 12 years ago and have a little girl with my husband. At the beginning, when I was newly married, there were rumours of my husband having an affair with his secretary. All the other employees /workers will always try to tell me directly/indirectly. Never gave a thought about it as was never suspicious of his behaviour. I used to go to office with him but the secretary behaviour I did find it very strange at that time. But ignored it as I was happy in my marriage. Over the years my husband and I used to fight, have an argument a lot. Partly because of his behaviour and my behaviour also wasn’t good with him as I used to get irritated all the time ( because I came from different country and missed my family so much ) but nothing more. One day my manager ( who is also like my family ) told me to keep an eye on him. She mentioned that she trust her boss but the behaviour of secretary is not good at all and everybody is aware of it except me. It stuck on my mind and decided to check his phone one day and was shocked to see the conversations between them. The kind of conversation they were having was too personal. From the messages I could make out that she’s desperate for him whereas he not desperate though but kind of with her. I cried so much and decided to confront him. He, however clearly said it’s nothing like what I am thinking. He convinced me and said it’s nothing like that. There was this line that stuck on my mind , when my husband went on a work trip, around that time she messaged him asking to FaceTime as she hasn’t seen him for 10 days. 😲 is this normal for a secretary to say something like this ? Also he changed his phone password and did not want to tell me. What should I do ? How do i know if he’s really cheating on me. Feeling confused, heartbroken and sad !

Is she also from Sri Lanka or somewhere English isn't first language or there is a particular dialect? The language in her texts is hard to understand for British or American speakers.

@TheWayoftheLeaf is it legal to hire a personal investigator? I would definitely go for it.

Then surely you know they have been having an affair, as it's clear from her message to him?

I'm confused as to why you seem to think you don't have proof. You do. You know they've either had or are having an affair.

Do you mean you want 'proof' formally? Because legally there's no need for proof of adultery in a divorce and I don't think it affects anything financial in a divorce settlement in the UK, but I'm not a lawyer.

@EthicalNonMahogany it’s highly likely English might not be her first language but she has written it in paragraphs which makes it more understandable. I hate typing, that’s why I just ignored all grammar and punctuation marks.

People are telling you what's not to believe its pretty bloody obvious next step is what are you going to do about it.

"Something smells fishy here."
Namely the dripping of supposedly verbatim messages even though the OP no longer has access to her DH's phone. OP, you must have a photographic memory or there's a lot more to this story.

I don’t believe it’s illegal to hire a private investigator but they’ll be a lot of money and people usually hire them when they have no idea. You know who the women is and where she works, so I’m not sure how much more a private investigator can find out.

Also you need to think about what will happen if he finds nothing out - will you trust him and stay with him?
Or if he finds out he’s having an affair - would you leave him straight away or hope he’d end the affair?

I'm not sure about this. All the language is weird but in the same way, both the posts from OP and the texts that are supposedly copied word for word.

And the errors in the texts are highly conveniently designed to make it ambiguous as to whether they have actually been having a physical affair.

The whole package, surveillance, photos proof of them meeting ect all legal under uk laws governing the use and practice of private investigations

From Google,

"Are private investigators legal in the UK? The simple answer to this is yes, they are completely legal to use in the UK. A professional private investigator will know the laws regarding private investigation in the UK,"

@MigsandTiggs I took a screen shot of all these messages incase if I need them in future. The only foolish thing I’ve done is to tell him that I read all his messages. I should have kept quiet for a while and keep on seeing their chats, but I acted out of emotions and confronted him that very moment. Very silly to be honest !

@CallOnMe if I find out he’s been cheating, I’ll give him two choices- to be with us or leave her completely.

It might sound inappropriate to some of you but I will also give a tight slap on her face because she involved herself with an already married man knowing that’s he has a child and she’s ruining other woman’s life.

He won’t give her up for you. He just won’t. They will still see each other.

The only way it will end us if she gains some self respect.

Believe me I’ve been there

if I find out he’s been cheating, I’ll give him two choices- to be with us or leave her completely

Read the pictures you say you have of his exchanges with her.

You have found out he's cheating on you.

@Thisismesadly I just want her to find someone else and settle down. She has to go away. It’s simple and clear ! But I will always be unsure If they are not seeing each other. My husband also promised me that he’ll never see her back once she leaves. Let’s see !

I assume you went through same situation like me. Are you still living with your husband ?

No I have been the side show. To a man who has had several relationships since we met and had kids.

I choose to settle for a safer bet and eventually marry but he still draws me in and vice versa. He cheats with others to. I genuinely did it out of love. For him it’s ego and sex.

I have been the one to break free. Tell his current girlfriend ( twice now) and even after the first time he still chased.

Believe me he’d have said the same to his girlfriend as your husband says to you. It’s her. She’s nothing. She’s fixated. I never want to see her again Blah blah blah.

For Goodness sake! This message IS ALL THE EVIDENCE YOU NEED, you stupid woman!
No wonder this has been going on for 12 years, you are a dumbo!

Don’t look for evidence. You will be wasting your time too. You won’t find more than you have already.

walk

Why slap her and not him?

He's cheating on you and having an affair.

Ask yourself why would bid colleuges risk their job by telling you unless they were certain?

What evidence do you need? To actually walk in on then having sex? You have all the evidence.

if I find out he’s been cheating, I’ll give him two choices- to be with us or leave her completely.

He’s known her longer than you - would you really trust if he said he’s ended things?

Even if she stopped working there and he hired a new secretary would you trust him not to try and have an affair with the new one?

As previously said, it’s the lying adulterous DH you need to bitch slap to the back of beyond

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle I will slap him too but (in the other way )in which he would not have even expected it. I know his weak nerve and I will wait for right time to just use it. I have to be mindful in that way but the woman, she’ll get one there and then.

I voted for YABU for several reasons

• Wall of text without paragraphs
• You ignoring repeated warnings from different people
• You and your husband fighting a lot
• Secretary's inappropriate behavior
• You reading their messages and you still don't think he's cheating?

At this point you are allowing him to lie to you and it has likely been going on for years. Even if he were innocent (which is highly unlikely) a relationship cannot survive without trust.

So what should you do? If you don't already know the answer to the obvious situation screaming you in the face, then you are being VVV unreasonable.

@Andrutica sometimes we need to act wise before we put out something. I also know my Husband very well. As I mentioned before, we went through rough times( because of my own problems ) just couple of years ago. I didn’t want to live in this country and wanted to go back. Nearly divorced him as he didn’t want to move back so I assume it was during this time he must have leaned over her for support. She was over him from the beginning but he was not. Colleagues were talking about them because of her very weird behaviour. The way she would touch him, would not even let any other girls in our office to go near him. Very weird !!!!!! She was always looking for opportunities and she got one.